Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Man Song

OK...this is just downright funny, and if you don't think it's especially funny then you're either:
  1. Single, or
  2. Been married less than two years
Oh yeah and sure and tell BG (if it's ok with you of course) that I said thanks for making sure this got passed on to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, maybe we should start a support group...of course, we'd have to check and make sure it was OK with our wives first.

Don't worry, I got approval from the mean, my Wife, before I posted this. Shoot...she told me I was only supposed to call her "boss" in I'm really in trouble...

I Love My Wife Jokes of the Day:

LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life."

LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with too many chores. Don't discuss all your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Come Early

Well...despite all my recent humbugedness I must admit that while it hasn't been the greatest holiday season, it has had some high moments so least follicaly and gastrointestinaly.

Gastrointestinaly this holiday season has been great with the recent addition of two...that's right count em TWO new restaurants on Saipan. One of which I had been eagerly anticipating and one which snuck right up on me. As you may remember from a previous post I have been excitedly awaiting the arrival of Taco Bell since September and finally it has come. And just like God said on the 8th day after he made a run for the border for some pseudo-Mexican fast food "it was good". The other eatery is also something of a thrill ride (at least for those over the age of 80 it might be). What I'm alluding to is the new "360" rotating restaurant located in the UFO looking bit of the edifice formerly known as the Nauru building. Seriously though the atmosphere, service, price and most importantly the food were all quite good and I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later. And hey...if anyone ever tells you to sit and spin, you know where to go.

Follicaly, Christmas has come a little early as well. You may remember my Grownup Christmas List where my number one wish this year was for hair, as I am naturally somewhat challenged in that area, and well it came true! After I mainlined 60 cc's of Rogaine, Viola, the stuff started growing like mushrooms on poo! It was great, albeit somewhat short lived, you see it only lasted one night (kinda like Cinderella) but for that small slice of time I was on top of the world...cuz I had bangs! Not only that but it was brought to my attention that with copious amounts of untamed hair on my head I also have a striking resemblance to British heart throb and singer James Blunt.

Which, somehow, brings me to my very first blog poll ever. That's right, get ready cruel world cuz the "Whatever" blog is going interactive. And NO you don't get to vote on whether you think I look like James Blunt or not, I bet you'd like to, but I'm not going to give you that chance to burst my strangely gratifying little bubble about this. Instead, as a Christmas present from me to you, my loyal readers, what you get to do is sit back, relax and listen to two of James' (he told me to call him that) most popular songs and vote on which one you like the most. OK, ready? Good, now the two songs are "You're Beautiful" and "1973" both of which should show up in their entirety below. So enjoy the commercial free songs and be sure and vote to your right. Thanks! and Happy Holidays!

Things My Dad Never Had To Say To Me Joke of the Day:

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Not Worth Stealing

Microsoft: Vista Piracy less than XP

Software giant Microsoft has stated that as per their research piracy of the Vista OS is much less compared to the pirated installations of Windows XP.

One of the primary reasons behind this is the anti piracy measures taken by the company to protect the recently launched Vista OS.

However, these measures have also been a pain for the genuine customers as they had to suffer at times due to company’s faults or activation server downtimes.

A company representative added: “Piracy rates are lower because it’s harder.”

Market experts have said that to make Vista harder to pirate, Microsoft is ending up annoying the genuine buyers of the OS.

Um..yeah… that’s an interesting way to spin it but in my opinion the reason no one wants to pirate the vaunted Vista OS is for the same reason that birds fly upside down in Rota/Poland/West Virginia (see previous post)…there’s nothing worth crapping on, or stealing in this case.

Because trust me, there were plenty of pre-releases and cracked versions of Vista floating around in the “what’s a copyright?” zone in the early stages and they were quite popular. But the proof of the pudding’s in the eating as they say and well, not even a side of spam and a generous slathering of our beloved Tabasco sauce could make Vista any more palatable.

Speaking of spam…this kinda reminds me of a car I once owned, when I was in high school my parents proudly bequeathed me this piece of shyt which they called a car so that I could drive myself to and from school. Lets just say the “big cheese” as we called the schoolbus, was way cooler than this “car”…and I use that term loosely. If this car had been a Transformer it would have resembled an unshaven homeless Michael Moore in robot form but in vehicle mode it was a sleek sexy 1983 Ford Fairmont and I’m sure I could have left this piece downtown at midnight with the keys in it and the windows rolled down and no one would have bothered to even knick a hubcap.

Which brings us back to the reason no one is stealing Windows latest offspring…cuz NO ONE WANTS IT…even for free!

But ahoy me hardies what’s this up ahead on the starboard tack, well shiver me timbers its Windows XP with the upcoming service pack 3 update, now THAT I’d be willing to board and pillage. Arrrgghh!

Yet More Vista Bashing Quotes of the Day:

Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)

Norton Anti-virus Complete System Scan Results: 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Reservation for Mary and Joseph on the 25th Please

A hotel chain Tuesday said it was offering couples called Joseph and Mary in Britain, Ireland and Spain free accommodation this Christmas on proof of marriage and name.

Hotel chain Travelodge said husbands and wives matching their criteria would get a night's stay on the house, but with more home comforts than the humble stable of the Christian Nativity story.

The offer, appropriately, runs between Christmas Eve (December 24) to Twelfth Night (January 5, 2008).

"The phrase 'nothing room**' is something that resonates with us in the hotel business," said Travelodge operations director Jason Cotta.

"Therefore this year we have decided to evoke the true spirit of Christmas and invite Mary and Joseph couples as our guests."

A Travelodge spokeswoman said couples will have to be married and provide proof of identity and register their names at a special e-mail address.

Awww...ain't that sweet...such a heart warming little holiday human interest story, it almost makes me want to take down the "Bah Humbug" I put up in Christmas lights across my balcony. Almost...but not quite.

What I really wonder is if they would allow a Maria and a Jose to avail of the offer? If so it would seem only fair that if Maria and Jose had a baby Jesus (pron. Hay-Zeus) then they should get TWO nights free, don't ya think?

But seriously, what a brilliant and exceptionally creative move on the hotel's part. I mean free publicity out the proverbial wazoo and really, how many Mary and Joseph couples can there be? Factor in that they have to be traveling to those certain areas at that specific time and I'll bet you less than a dozen free rooms are given, kudos to Travelodge.

I'm thinkin maybe, just maybe, some of the Saipan hotels could come up with a similar promotion. But seeing as how most of our tourists are Asian, the whole Mary and Joseph Christmas thing might not be a big draw. But what if we tweaked it a little, like for our Japanese market any Toyota Honda couple could stay one night for free. For our Korean tourists it could be the Soju Kim-Chee couple. Oh and for the Russian market it would have to be something like the Kalashnikov Sputnik family. Hmm...somehow I think you might have a better chance of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Three Wise Men (Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod) showing up than that last couple but who could happen.

**edited by blog author for clarity

Bad Christmas Joke of the Day:

Have you ever noticed how no matter where you go in the world people from one country/state/island or whatever tend to treat those from a neighboring country/state/island or whatever with, shall we say, some disdain? For example, here on Saipan we tend to poke fun at those from Rota as being somewhat backward (shoot even their speed bumps are inside out, they have something like speed ditches, but don't get me started) When I was younger I fondly remember making relentless fun of the Polish, and to this day I don't even really understand why. While back home in Virginia we ruthlessly rip on those poor souls who have the unfortunate plight of having to call West Virginia home.

So in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, here is a Christmas joke which you can use to lampoon any unsuspecting people group anywhere by simply filling in the blank with whomever your inferior neighbor might be.

"Why wasn't Jesus born in Rota/Poland/West Virginia?"
"Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My Grown Up Christmas List

OK, yes I stole this title from that sappy Amy Grant Christmas song, but trust me, my "Grown up Christmas List" is going to be a whole lot different from hers. In her song she claims to want things like world peace and no more wars and that everybody will love each other and blah blah, boo who, wah wah...if she were honest I bet what she really wants this Christmas is another hit song cuz let's face it Amy, its been a looong time since "Baby, Baby" hit the charts.

So here's where I get real and you can too, forget your warm and fuzzy peace on earth baloney this Christmas; and you can stuff that "Spirit of Giving" up your turkey's bunghole and bake it cuz for my Grown Up Christmas List it's all about the "Spirit of Give Me"! So, here's what I want for Christmas and Santa had better be taking note cuz if he don't deliver I'm baking Exlax into the cookies. Try sliding down chimney's loaded with laxatives fat man. Now get out that list and start scribbling cuz here goes:

1. Hair- Yeah, that's right I want hair for Christmas, lots and lots of hair, a full head of it in fact. I have never known what that is like and well frankly I'm tired of it. What did I do to deserve such a massive freakin forehead? The answer to that is NOTHING! I just got screwed genetically in that department and it pisses me off. Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to have these little things called bangs...instead of this retarded little peninsula of baby fluff I have running half the length of my cranium.

2. A Raise- As in an increase in my pay. I know, I've heard allll the excuses about how we're in tough times and the government's going broke and blah blah blah, but the bottom line is this, I'm about to get my Masters degree and I want my raise to go with it, you promised it, now deliver it..and no, I don't care if that means you can't send a board of education member to a Head Start conference in the states. wtf?

3. A Christmas Break- I dunno if you got the memo or not but you see teachers are supposed to get a buttload of time off at Christmas, of course we can't call it Christmas we have to call it Winter break cuz somehow calling it Christmas break is a dangerous mix of church and state, but what really peeves me here is that I don't get a whatever you wanna call it break cuz I've got to attend my last two Master's classes the entire time. All this so that I can receive a Master's degree which I will get no extra compensation for!

4. A Swiss made titanium wristwatch- Just like the one that was stolen right off my wrist in Thailand. Yeah talk about your talented pickpocket, I mean granted it was at night and there were a lot of people bumping about but still, to be able to actually strip a watch right off someone's arm without their knowledge is either a testament to how slick that little Thai dude was or how stupid this farang (Thai for white dude) was.

5. The Asus Eee PC- I've already admitted on this very blog numerous times my nerdiness and geeky affinity toward gadgets and this is certainly the latest greatest little doo dad you didn't know you wanted for Christmas till now. This phat little gizmo is one of the hottest items on the market this holiday season and I can see why. Weighing in at just under 2 lbs. and measuring just 7'' this little laptop is the perfect traveling companion. The shock proof 4 gig solid state hard drive is the epitome of durability. It packs an Intel CPU and chipset with 512 MB of RAM, built in speakers, microphone and camera. And with a battery which boasts a 3.5 hour charge what's not to love? Best of all, however is the price, since it runs on a solid Linux based operating system there's virutally no software costs so she's able to come in at a suggested retail price of $200. Problem is, since this little hottie is so, well, hot right now the laws of supply and demand kick in and she's fetching more like $350. Oh yeah and for all you parents out there, in my professional opinion, with its user friendly graphic interface on top of all the other goodies I've already mentioned this is the perfect little computer for kids!

6. A Solar/Wind Power Generator- FOR OBVIOUS REASONS! Friggin CUC...

7. A Small Caliber Rifle with Mounted Scope- For those two foot sewer rats which seem to move about with impunity around our little blue dumpster thingy. It's probably not even that the rats themselves are so big it's just that they have the biggest pair of balls I've ever seen on a rodent. I mean I can walk up with a bag of trash yelling and screaming like a yeti getting an anal probe with an un-lubed piece of PVC pipe and two or three of them will see me coming, look up, give a snort of derision and continue nibbling their morsel of filth. (and that movie "Ratatouille" can kiss my white, rat hating butt!)

8. And last but certainly not least for my final Grown Up Christmas Wish...I Wish People Would Shut the @#$K Up About Global Warming! I mean seriously, I don't know about you but I've had about enough already. I read an article the other day talking about how stressed younger children in the US and the UK are about this issue, I mean we think it's not affecting them but it is. This article claimed that even children who grew up during the height of the Cold War with all the bomb drills etc. weren't as tweaked out as the kids coming up during the "global warming scare". Maybe I'm retarded and if you think so that's fine, I've been called worse, usually by my wife, but I look at it this way: There were friggin glaciers sitting on top of New York City like 10,000 years ago, but are they there, no...and why is that? Well it would seem to me that the evil "global warming" is to blame...or to praise...I guess it depends on your opinion of NYC. But regardless the ice has obviously continued to retreat back up to where it know the home of such things as ice hockey, the ice luge and ice bobsledding and all those other ice sport things. SO, it would appear that "global warming" has been going on for somewhere in the range of 10,000 years but NOW all of a sudden it's OUR fault? And even if it is, who cares? So we lose a few polar bears...have you ever been chased by a polar bear? Well in a few years you won't have to worry about it at all, I mean who needs that stress...looking over your shoulder for polar bears all the time, I sure don't. I bet you my non-existent pay raise that our ancestors didn't shed too many crocodile tears over the loss of those bigass saber-tooth tigers. So if Al Gore decides to visit Saipan he'd better look out cuz due to my not so subtle threat on the well being of Santa's bowels I'm pretty sure he's going to hook me up with wish #7 so I'll be ready for Al and any of his Chicken Little supporters.

See...Santa don't believe either. Merry Freakin Christmas!

Global Warming Quotes of the Day:

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much." --Jay Leno


Due to recent events in the Commonwealth I feel I need to clearly label this post as SATIRICAL.

I really don't need the Legislature to vote me persona who threatened Santa Claus and hates Christmas and giving and babies and puppies and everything warm and fuzzy in the world non grata.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


I realize in an earlier comment I used the term "nei" to which I received an inquiry from a state-sider as to what exactly that meant. So that got me thinking, maybe I should do a post for our off-island brethren who need to be educated on some of the finer points of local English. And while it's nowhere near comprehensive here at least is a highlight of some of the more common phrases one might hear in a computer classroom on Saipan. (for all the locals out there, please forgive me if I get something wrong but do feel free to correct or add to the list as you see fit)

  • Nei or Nai (nay-but not like the horse): Probably one of the most prevalent of local terms, while I have no way to prove it, it's my opinion that this word was probably derived from the Japanese "ne" since they sound so similar and are used in almost exactly the same way. "Nei" is usually put at the end of a sentence and basically means "right".
Jose: "It's hot today nei?"
Juan: "Yah nei!"

  • Par (pär) Brat (brät-as in bratwurst): No, they have nothing to do with golf or a poorly behaved child. They both kind of mean "friend". These two terms can be used interchangeably and while I'm not 100% sure I believe par is short for partner and brat is an abbreviation of brother. Therefore the words themselves are used in similar contexts, usually to show camaraderie or companionship.
Jose: "This game is badass brat!" (badass is a common term here meaning exceptionally cool)
Juan: "Yah nei par! It's da best."

  • Ai Adai (i uh-day): As best I can tell this is generally an expression of exasperation. Therefore it's no surprise that this term is used extensively in conversations pertaining to the government or the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation. One typically will shake their head from side to side and make a "tsk-tsk" sound while uttering this phrase. Although I've also heard it used to express surprise or slight shock as well.
Jose: "Mr. Redd, my computer just turned off."
Mr. Redd: "Ai Adai Jose, why do you keep pushing the power button?"

  • Fagaga (fa-ga-ga): I believe the direct translation of this term is "to treat like an animal" although the more appropriate translation is to play a joke on someone. As in "Look out for her she really likes to fagaga people".
Jose: "Hey par look, I'm gonna turn off my computer to fagaga Mr. Redd"
Juan: "Yah brat, do it, that's funny"
Jose: "Mr. Redd, my computer just turned itself off?!"
Mr. Redd: "Ai Adai Jose, why you always fagaga me?"

  • Matoka or Matoko (ma-tow-ko): The Chamorro version of "'re gonna get in trouble." As you may have been able to tell this word is gender specific so if a girl is doing something she shouldn't be then its "matoka" or, as is more often the case if its a boy doing something wrong then it becomes "matoko". The word is usually spoken in a much higher decibel than regular speech and is held out longer in order to better get the offending party in trouble.
Jose: "Look brat, I'm gonna turn off my computer to fagaga Mr. Redd."
Juanita: "MATOOKOO, I'm gonna tell."
  • Laña or Lania (la-nya): This one I was somewhat hesitant to cover due to the fact I've heard some people say that it used to be quite offensive, though it is used so frequently that I feel it would be a disservice to forgo explaining its use. Really this term should probably up near the top of this list as it is used almost as frequently as "nei". I've heard many different direct translations everything from a deep explanation of its sexual connotations to one who informed me "oh it's just like 'shyt' in English". As best I can ascertain it is essentially a more risqué way to say "ai adai". Therefore it could be used for just about anything, to show surprise, frustration, contempt, anger, happiness, sadness...yeah pretty much you name it and you can say "lania" before it.
Jose: "Lania brat, my computer just crashed!"
Juan: "Then tell Mr. Redd"
Jose: "Mr. Redd, my computer just crashed."
Mr. Redd "Yeah, right Jose...WHATEVER"

Education Related Quote of the Day:

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Remember Jake?

So does anyone out there still remember Jake? You know the whole "you didn't give my niece her reward, she stole my dog so she doesn't deserve a reward" thing. Yeah, yeah I know that's so last week...or last month even but still here's why I bring it up.

A few weeks ago I took a class entitled "Creative Teaching Techniques and Utilization of Multimedia" (yeah it's a masters level class so they have to make it sound fancy) and one of our assignments was "to produce a five-minute educational video about something happening in your community". So my group and I decided to do a re-enactment of the epic saga of poor ole Jake. Our educational goal stated that we thought this video could be used in a Civics class to generate a debate or possibly in a Writing class where students could write a response paper.

So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, grab some popcorn, pop a cold one and sit back relax and enjoy for the first time anywhere the story of a dog and his (almost) reward.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

1 sp3nd w4y t00 much 71m3 0nl1n3

I realized that this blog has gotten a little heavy with the past few posts so in an attempt to lighten things up and keeping with the spirit of "Whatever" I've decided to spice things up with a little humor. Being that I'm a computer teacher, professed wannabe geek, and recovering online addict I proudly present you with some computer based humor none of which is original.

First lets begin with one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world...the Internet:

"I see ads saying that I can 'GET PAID to Surf the Web !'. Let's see... I'm at work checking out my favorite porn sites right now. Hey, I'm already getting paid to surf the web !"

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"I had to google 'jfgi' to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming." <-- go ahead you know you want to.

"I get mail, therefore I am."

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

Now on to the obligatory Microsoft Bashing:

"Microsoft Works." — Oxymoron

"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"Saying your OS is the best in the world 'cause more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world."

"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."

Would you invest in that company? See if you can spot Bill Gates. hint- he's the only one who looks like he hasn't gone through puberty yet. Bet you didn't know that after filming "Saturday Night Fever" John Travolta did a stint with Microsoft.

"If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft."

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off?"

"What does the Start button do — isn't the computer already running?"

What page full of techie humor would be complete without a little User Bashing (it might be funny if it wasn't so doggone true):

Login: yes
Password: i dont have one
password is incorrect

Login: yes
Password: incorrect

Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"
User: I can't see your computer.
Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
User: Huh?
Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
User: What's your computer doing on mine?

"Back up my hard disk ? I can't find the reverse switch !"

"If it's there and you can see it — it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it — it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it — it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it — you erased it !"

"'INSERT DISK THREE' ? But I can only get two in the drive !"

"We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0."

"Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface."

"If you're having trouble sounding condescendent, get your computer support technician to show you how."

And finally a segment entitled "Remember When" and if you do then you're older than me cuz I really don't so much...but for all you old folks here ya go:

"Remember when...? A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show. A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was the cousin of a goat... Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was your middle finger upright. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped that nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile. Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead !"

My Favorite Computer Code Quote of the Day:

"1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15, y0u r34||y n33d 70 637 |41d."

Thursday, November 8, 2007

An Inspiring Initiative

I recently stumbled upon an innovative and exciting enterprise that I actually thought would be something worth giving my hard earned money to (and I’ll admit I’m a pretty stingy person). The One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) movement is a non-profit organization that has really got their stuff together and is doing some exiting things. Yes, I’ll admit that I am a bit biased toward this kind of thing being an elementary computer teacher and all but still this is cool.

They state in their vision that the children in the developing world are inadequately educated but they don’t just leave it at that and move on, or give you some whining Sally Struthers like, broad and unspecified let’s all help the children line. No, they give a very specific and detailed plan as to how they propose to provide children around the world with the chance to grab at an education for themselves.

The way they plan to do this is, as their name would suggest, is by providing one laptop per child the world over. And they’re not talking about some cheap, Microsoft Windows 98, bottom of the line, bustedass laptop either. These little machines they’ve created are some rough and tumble, Linux based (aka open source), sweet little gizmos that are specifically designed for kids in third world environments.

Here are some examples of why I’m so impressed with these little 188 dollar bad boys or "XO" as they call them.
  1. Each machine is a full time wireless router, which means that the kids will be connected both to one another and to the internet. This is a type of technology which you will never find in any laptop currently on the market.
  2. The 7.5 inch display features 200 DPI resolution, which is more DPI than 95% of the laptops out there. The display is also cushioned with internal bumpers.
  3. It takes less than two watts to run one of these puppies. Which happens to be less than one tenth of what a standard laptop consumes. In fact it’s such a minuscule amount that the XO can be recharged with human power. That’s right, it ships with either a crank, pedal or pull cord so it can be hand powered…now I’m jealous. How cool would it be to be on one of those long trans-pacific flights and while everyone else’s batteries are dying you just whip out your hand crank and give it a few spins and your back online?
  4. The integrated handle is kid sized, as is the sealed rubber (so no worrying about spills) keyboard. The dual mode extra wide touchpad supports pointing, drawing and writing.
  5. There’s no hard drive to fail and there are only two internal cables, items which cause the most problems in standard laptops.
  6. It comes with 3 USB ports, external speakers, a built in gaming pad, microphone, camera, SD slot, and an extra powerful wireless antenna. There’s much more and I could go on and on so if you’re really interested check out their website (which is itself very well done, very clear and concise) but I’ll sum up by saying that it comes in a kid friendly green and white color scheme and all of this for under $200 is in a word…impressive.

Shoot, I’m from the “Developed World” and if I had kids I’d want one for them…which brings me to another remarkable aspect of this organization in regards to their marketing. You see, the only way you can actually get your hands on one of these little doo dads is by first giving one to a child in need. They’re currently running a "Get 1 Give 1" campaign where for $399, you purchase two XO laptops—one that will be sent to “empower a child to learn in a developing nation,” and one that will be sent to your child at home…all I can say is that someone was thinking.

Now, if we only had that kind of ingenuity and thinking outside of the box up on Saipan’s Capital Hill imagine where we could be.

One Laptop Per Kid Quote of the day:

“I think the laptop is very good. It helps us to find some words, like our uncle [teacher] will teach us... The things we didn't know, we go check on the laptop.” — T. (Primary 6), Galadima School, Abuja, Nigeria

Saturday, November 3, 2007

In Loving Memory

Well, first of all let me apologize for not having updated in awhile but I suppose I have a pretty good excuse. You see I was just finishing up one of my Framingham graduate classes and preparing to write one of my funniest postings yet when I received the email that we all dread, that one of our family members has passed away. My sister caught me on g-chat and informed me that my grandfather had died, and yes it was sudden and it was unexpected.

So, after a day of deliberation and getting the go ahead from bosses, professors and wives (didn't know I was a polygamist did ya?) I decided to head home and be with the family for a time of mourning the loss of a special man and celebrating his life.

Some of the highlights as I remember them are that he was a Korean War veteran, a Richmond City Fireman, and a talented carpenter. He lived to fish and he loved being either on or at the very least near the water and in his final years had a place on the Rappahanok river which he built himself.

He left behind a wife, 5 kids (one of whom is my mom), 12 grandkids (one of whom is me) and 2 great grandkids all of whom loved and respected him.

But last and some would argue most importantly he was an avid golfer. In fact it was engaged in this sport where he met his end. The story goes that he was preparing to tee off on the 17th hole when he decided he needed another club so he returned to the cart. But as he approached the golf cart he fell to the ground without a sound and died of a massive heart attack. The doctor said he was probably dead before he hit the ground. He didn't have a history of heart problems, he just dropped dead, just as he always said he wanted to go and just as his father had gone out before him.

My brother told me his last words where "I need more club" and I have to agree with his assessment that that's just pretty damn cool.

Now I know I'll never be able to play another 17th hole without remembering my grandfather and my brother and cousin said they were going to start a tradition of playing that course every October 23rd at stopping at the 17th hole.

The Bible talks about death as being an un-natural thing, something that God had not originally planned for us and if we look deep into our being I believe we all have that feeling that death is just somehow not right and we all fight it but it is our ultimate destiny. I just hope that I can go like my grandfather, doing something I love and gone in an instant. No hospitals and tubes and shots and wasting away.

And to beat all his golf buddies who he was playing with told us that he was even winning and looking forward to enjoying a free meal on them as his reward. So here I'll raise my glass and say "Good game Paw-Paw, even though it will forever be left unfinished at the 17th hole."

In Loving Memory of Richard "Dicky" Curtis (1932-2007)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Adventures of a Thristy Man in Tokyo

One morning in Tokyo I awoke with a severe case of the cottonmouth (probably from one too many Asahi’s the night prior) and decided that I needed to find myself something refreshing to drink like pronto. So out into the bustling city streets I ventured determined to slay my thirst, and fast.

The closest promise of relief was a nearby vending machine to which I dashed eager to soothe my arid throat, only to have my hopes shattered by a vending machine full of a drink called Calpis. “Calpis?” I said aloud. Somehow, even in my dehydrated state, a dairy based drink by the name of Calpis just wasn’t going to happen.

Next it was on to plan B, the quaint little café on the corner. I walked straight in and went promptly to the section of the overhead menu which said “Soft Drink”.

Even though the English was a tad off, my body figured out pretty quickly what “Alcools” was and my head, tongue and stomach shouted “don’t you dare!” in unison. Ok, on to the soft drinks then, lets see Cola…nah…Ginger Ale…maybe…Milk,…wha? When did milk become a soft drink and who drinks it either hot or with ice? Ah well, either way that was not near as startling as the next choice…Flesh Juice…ok, now I’m not thirsty anymore I’m just scared. Hey, why’s everyone looking at the gaijin (Japanese for foreigner) so strange? Ok, I’m outta here.

As I beat a hasty retreat from Gruesome Café what to my wondering eyes should appear but the familiar orange and green bars of your friendly neighborhood 7-11, ahh…home. Those feelings of being back where I belong quickly faded however as I strolled to the back of the store and laid eyes on a drink called Pocari Sweat. Hmm, a drink called sweat, oh well I’m desperate now, I just hope it tastes better than it sounds.

Gee, I am still pretty thirsty, well since I am counting my calories and all I suppose I’d better try one of these new Diet waters, after all it does promise half the calories but all that great water taste you’ve come to know and love.

Whew, finally, I was able to stave off a slow agonizing death by dehydration…now I gotta pee…but where oh where will I ever find a toilet?

Ok, now I just feel like I’m chasing my tail. Man, all this running in circles has made me famished, I need to get something to eat….but no, that’s a story for another day.

Japanese Bread Wrapper Quote of the Day:

"Take me home, let's make happy in your basket!"

Friday, October 12, 2007

That is SO Stereotypical

A friend sent me these pictures in one of those funny “forward” type of emails and they were good for a laugh. But then upon closer inspection I found what made them even funnier was the realization that they confirmed some of my deepest held stereotypical beliefs. I mean come on we all know that..

1. A New Yorker (or any Yankee for that matter) will NEVER let someone go in front of them.
Anyone who has ever driven north of the Mason Dixon knows what I’m talking about here. I just laugh and say it serves ‘em right. When I saw the top picture I immediately thought “this has got to be somewhere in New York”, then upon scrolling down and seeing the license plate my suspicions were verified and the stereotype proven.

2. All women from Virginia, especially the more mountainous regions (Roanoke), are barefoot and pregnant with their 6th child chain smokers. Except for my mom and my sister of course…wait…check that, except for my sister.

The rest of the story probably went something like this…(and I should know I grew up in VA)

Williamson noted that she’s truly concerned about the racket because for some undiagnosed reason all 6 of her previous children have suffered from one type of learning disorder or another. “Yeah, fer sum reason all them earlier ones is kinda retarded” Williamson observed, “I’m really scairt that this one’s gunna suffer cus of all that jackhammerin goin on at all hours of the day.” However she went on to admit “The doctor says its cus three of em are from my brother an the other two are from a cuzin.” “Haha” she wheezed, “I think he’s full of bull hockey but if he’s right then it’s lucky fer this one I’m not related to the mailman.”

3. You should never, ever fly on a discount Chinese airline.

Cheap Chinese food = Good thing :-)
Cheap Chinese airline = Bad thing :-(

Speaking of cheap Chinese food, scroll down if you’ve ever wondered how they’re able to keep it so cheap

4. Blondes are a tad slower than the rest of us.

“What keeps poking me in the eye?....and why do you look so small?”

Quote of the Day:

"Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person the trouble of learning"


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Holy Crab Cakes Batman!

This has got to be one of the biggest coconut crabs (or ayuyu in Chamorro) like ever ever. I've seen a few, some which I thought were pretty big but this is truly amazing.

My wife was sent this picture from her friend Jessica who said in an email along with the photo that she received it from the Brown Treesnake Control Project leader of the Guam Dept of Agriculture. It was apparently caught in northern Guam, right outside the Anderson Air Force Base cliff side of Yigo village.

Now, I know all the local's mouth's are watering at the sight of such a feast but unfortunately I've never been able to partake of the succulent coconut crab, I've only been able to listen with envy to the tales of how luscious it's meat is to consume.

However, the story that coconut crabs eat nothing but coconut, hence the name and the tasty meat, is more of a myth. According to my online research they're not near as picky an eater as I had once been lead to believe.
The diet of coconut crabs consists primarily of fruit, including coconuts and figs. However, they will eat nearly anything organic, including leaves, rotten fruit, tortoise eggs, dead animals, and the shells of other animals, which are believed to provide calcium. They may also eat live animals that are too slow to escape, such as freshly hatched sea turtles. During a tagging experiment, one coconut crab was observed catching and eating a Polynesian rat.
Now that, I would have liked to have seen, not only did that coconut crab eat a rat but he ate one of those ones with the little grass skirt and a coconut bra.

Another interesting point was that apparently they don't stop growing, and it's estimated that they live to be between 30-60 years old. Based on this size of this sucker I'd say he's pushing 80. Oh here's a weird thought, it's possible that this old timer was around during the invasion of Guam back during WWII.

And just when we thought that Guam had gone and beaten us out again, this time being able to lay claim to the biggest ayuyu like ever ever, along comes this picture of these two guys fighting off an even larger specimen down at Forbidden Island.

Crustacean Joke of the Day:

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

That's One Sexy Green Pepper!

(Oh yeah, turn on your speakers if you haven't yet)

I know it’s hard to believe but it all started when I was actually cooking dinner on Monday. I was cutting up an innocent green pepper when I glanced down at the cutting board and saw this curvaceous and disturbingly erotic piece looking back at me. Now, I’ll admit that it doesn’t compare with Kelli’s new rack but still you must concede that that’s one sexy green pepper!

I swear I did NOT cut it like that on purpose…I honestly just looked down and there she was. I don’t think that I’ll ever look at vegetables the same again.

On A Related Topic…

As though I needed any more proof that vegetarians were weird along comes this story from The Press out of New Zealand. The article talks about a new sexual phenomenon called Vegansexuality.

Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals...

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses...
What, "I've got a headache" doesn't work anymore? This just sounds like another way to turn a guy down. "I mean I really think you're cute and all but, well, you eat meat so I'm going to have to say no...this doesn't mean we can't still be friends."
Christchurch vegan Nichola Kriek has been married to her vegan husband, Hans, for nine years. She would not describe herself as vegansexual, but said it would definitely be a preference... "When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," she said.

What the…are you serious...well if I’m a graveyard for animals what does that make her, a compost heap? I mean come on, I’m pretty sure everyone I’ve ever met was made of meat.

Ok…now in the interest of being fair and at least attempting to give both sides. I did read one persons comment about this where they tried to explain it as an experiment in which an experimenter briefly dipped a dried, sterilized cockroach into a glass of apple juice and then asked people if they would be willing to drink the juice. Most people didn't want to, even though the juice was in no way contaminated.

I suppose it could be the same principle at work in this whole vegansexuality thing. If something really grosses us out, that sense of disgust will spread to anything touched by the offensive object…but I still think its all a load of horseshit…which incidentally is made up entirely of vegetables, maybe these “vegansexuals” would like to…oh, nevermind. This group definitely earns my "WHATEVER" of the Week Award.

Vegetarian Quotes of the Day: (I couldn't pick just one)

"If it screams, it's not food... yet."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"I love animals... they're delicious."
"If animals were not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat ?"
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?"
"Do vegetarians hate plants ?"
"Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces ?"
"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me." George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic. Explaining why he had turned down an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner.

If you have any of your own feel free to share it with us.

Monday, October 1, 2007

CasiNO or CasiYes?

Well, it looks like I was a day late and a dollar short on the whole reward or ransom thing as Turbitt’s post was a day earlier and everything that could possibly be said about the issue has pretty much been hashed out, so check it out over there if you wanna see what people had to say. (Though there was another letter to the Marianas Variety editor from the uncle of the girl who found “Jake” and another letter which offered some rebuttal from Kate Busenkell of PAWS) Meanwhile I’m on to my next conundrum, that of the much debated casino initiative.

First let me say that I am a registered voter here and I do take this decision seriously but I am completely undecided as to whether I should vote CasiNO or CasiYES. That’s where you come in oh persuasive (or should I say argumentative) and enlightened (or should I say self important) members of the blogosphere. Really though, I honestly want to hear what people out there have to say on this issue and I don’t mind if you feel the need to post namelessly so long as you make a valid point and don’t do so just to be anonymously asinine.

I find it interesting how for months all we had heard and seen by the roadway was “Vote Saipan Casio” , bumper stickers exhorting us to “Vote Yes To Casino” or letters to the editor singing the praises of our coming savior the casino initiative. But all of a sudden in the last week or so we’re seeing this rather determined push by the self proclaimed CasiNOers, led by none other than one of the CNMI´s most prolific unofficial columnists, Ambrose Bennett. Now, finally, it’s getting interesting.

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the CNMI Public Arena were in this corner we have Saipan’s own pimp daddy Ambrose Bennett weighing in for the CasiNOers with Jane Mack cheering from the sidelines. Meanwhile across the ring stands the rather solitary figure of Pedro R. DeLeon Guerrero President of the CNMI Indigenous Entrepreneurs Inc. Though Mr. Vicente M. Sablan does toss him some support in Tuesday’s Variety.

Pedro “The Gambler” Guerrero came out swinging early with a few well placed letters to the local papers promising that a “Saipan casino will lift the islands' misery” and that “the benefit of establishing casino industry on Saipan will outweigh that of the Tinian casino.”

But the second round has gone to Ambrose “Common Sense” Bennett with his catchy CasiNO campaign which has been blitzing island roadways along with his most recent letter to the editor decrying the CasiYESers as cheaters who hit below the belt by vandalizing said road signs.

Well, that’s the bell signaling the start of the third round and it’s still anybody’s guess as to who’ll come out on top. So it’s time for you to weigh in CNMI public, who are you rooting for and why, I’m a blank page, the quintessential undecided vote and I’m listening…convince me.

Casino Quote of the Day:

“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.”

-Jack Yelton

Friday, September 28, 2007

Reward or Ransom?

There’s an interesting situation playing itself out in the “Letters to the Editor” sections of the islands dueling newspapers and I wanna know what you think about it. It centers around a certain canine by the name of “Jake”. It seems that this poor pooch was “lost” some weeks ago and the owner, who happens to be working as a public defender, offered a reward of some $200 for his safe return. It’s important to note that PAWS, which is also a fellow blogspotter, was the organization which was used to promote this incentive.

Well after a few days the dog was apparently returned unharmed to his rightful owner and love filled the air and all was right with the world. That is until a couple of days ago when a local high school teacher announced through a letter to the editor that his niece was the one who had “found” the dog and that she had yet to receive her promised reward. He says “The Good Samaritan lady who found and provided shelter and care for Jake for at least four days is my niece. I was appalled to find out from her yesterday that the promised reward has not been given, and her repeated calls to PAWS and the Public Defender’s Office has gone unanswered.”

Then today the story got even juicier when the owner wrote his own letter to the editor claiming that the pup was not in fact lost but had been stolen. He claims “Your niece is not entitled to the reward because she “took” Jake, she didn't “save” Jake.” The owner goes on to say “PAWS had nothing to do with my decision not to pay the reward and therefore should not have been implicated by your letter to the editor.”

So the question I pose to you oh great all knowing and highly opinionated public is this, is the owner justified in not paying the reward or should he fork over the cash?

Now before you offer your scholarly insights I would suggest reading both of the letters to the editor yourself. They can be found on the Saipan Tribune website under the title “A failed promise” and “What would a Good Samaritan really do?” Now…may the banter begin.

Quote of the Day:

“Don't worry so much about your self-esteem. Worry more about your character. Integrity is its own reward.”



Monday, October 1, 2007

In today's Marianas Variety the uncle of the girl who found "Jake" wrote a rebuttal to the lawyers letter, it definitely offers a different take on things and is worth checking out if you're still following this little piece of island drama.

Monday, September 24, 2007

MP's and Blogger Play from the "potential cool kid"

What does the MP stand for anyway?

I know I need to update this thing more often but I must admit that I haven't been online much in the past few days. I realize that this is truly hard to believe but hear me out because it gets see I must also come clean and with great trepidation admit that I actually picked up a hard copy of a publication and read it...(gasp)

I know I can't believe that I did that either I mean what was I thinking? I never read anything that I ever have to hold in my hand, what with all that pesky page turning and the ever present peril of a paper cut, go ahead and scoff if you will but those things hurt.

So what could have caused me to lay aside my high technology and actually reach down and pick up such a relic of communication? Well I'll tell was the surprisingly clever MP magazine. Yes I must say that while I initially approached it with some disdain I was soon enraptured by the quality of the content held within its bindings.

The articles were interesting and well written (something I had come to accept as nonexistent here) and of course the photographs were virtually stunning. I especially like the article by William "Bill" Stewart about Saipan in the 1970's, as well as Ed Propst's candid piece on his journey to his maternal homeland of the Philippines.

I even found myself briefly filled with some hope for the upcoming election as I read the interviews of five non-incumbent congressional contenders. (What you mean we may actually have a choice besides the same old status quo politicians??)

The underwater photographs of the barracuda and eagle rays were splendid. And the "Are you a Local?" quiz was laugh out loud funny. And I'm proud to say that I scored an 8 out of 10 so I barely squeezed in as a bonified local...though I missed the question about "chenculi" so I suppose I still have retained some of my haoleness.

But seriously, all in all I found it to be a great publication and well worth the $3.50 at the newsstand (or at the local Joeten since we don't really have any newsstands) and this coming from someone who thought for sure he'd be laughing it off as another Saipan misadventure. You can also find them on the web at

Which brings me to my next burning question...What exactly does the MP in our address stand for? I mean I know the magazine is going for the whole MP equals Marianas Pride thing, which is cool, but what really does it mean? I've heard such postulations as Marianas Pacific or even Mid Pacific, but does anyone really know for sure? If you know or even if you just have a good guess leave a comment and enlighten us.

Who knew randomass photos could be so compelling?

Have you Blogger Played today? If you haven't, be forewarned it's addicting and it can be shockingly time consuming. What I'm euphemistically referring to is a new feature on blogspot called, surprisingly enough, Blogger Play. As they explain on their website:

Blogger Play will show you a never-ending stream of images that were just uploaded to public Blogger blogs. You can click the image to be taken directly to the blog post it was uploaded to, or click “show info” to see an overlay with the post title, a snippet of the body, and some profile information about the blogger who uploaded it. We also wrote a Blogger Play FAQ with more information.

I must've spent an hour looking at all those arbitrary photos. And you can't help but click on the occasional one because you just have got to see what kind of a blog that whatever it is goes with…take this one for example:

Now if your curiosity gets the best of you and you just have to see who would post a picture of what could conceivably be a bunch of birth control pills (you gotta love the pun in that)…well then click here…but be warned you’ll probably not be able to figure out what they are, unless you speak like Swedish or something…though whatever her nationality she is pretty hot.


And yes I have passed yet another blog milestone as I have now officially been linked to the prestigious "Saipan and other random hypercritical thoughts" blogsite. The Great Bald One referred to me as having "potential" and though I know I do not post near often enough to match His Highness I appreciate the link indubitably.

"M.P." Quote of the Day:

Amanda to Sam (after she finds out about Billy's "pass" at Connie): "Get used to the fact that even the most perfect, sensitive guy is bottom line: a dog. I mean, he might be a well-behaved dog but he still howls at the moon and grabs the first leg he can get a hold of."

...can anyone guess what "M.P." that quote comes from?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Saipan Light Show and The Bell

Last night we had a splendid lightning show here on Saipan. It's actually a rather rare occurrence for the island. I mean we get plenty of rain showers and the occasional flash of lightning but this was the kind of light show I remember seeing down south after a particularly steamy summer afternoon.

So, after sitting for awhile watching the sky dance overhead I decided to try and capture some of the show. I grabbed my video camera and rolled tape for about 15 minutes and here's what I came up with. Don't's been edited for time I've slowed the speed down and put in a couple freeze frames for effect, but aside from that it's all mother nature, no special effects required.

Saipan Light Show

Oh and if you recognized the song and can tell me it's relationship to Lightning then you'll win the Grand Prize. If you wanna take a stab at the trivia leave a guess in the comments section and I'll tell you if you're wrong or right.

The Bell

There's also a rumor swirling around out there that one of my favorite fast food joints and pretty much my only reason for going to Guam was in fact going to be making an appearance on Saipan. That's right folks, there's yet another rumor that Taco Bell will be opening its doors on our lovely little slice of paradise.

Now, I wish I had a nickle for every time I've heard this rumor in the past 8 years (then I could actually afford something there) but this time it genuinely seems possible. The reason for my increased hope this time is that there's been some unexplained construction at the local KFC and the story goes that our beloved Taco Bell will be housed in the same storefront as the Colonel. So, keep your fingers crossed and if it turns out to be true then I'll see you at the Grand Opening with my chihuahua "Here lizard, lizard, lizard" t-shirt on.

Taco Bell Sauce Packet Quote of the Day:

"At night the sporks pick on me."

...can you believe there's actually a website dedicated to Taco Bell Sauce packet quotes....

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

We Took Time to Remember...Did You?

The students and faculty of Kagman Elementary School took time from their regular classes this morning to remember the tragic events which transpired on this day, September 11th back in 2001. It seems like only yesterday to many of us but to the children, some of whom weren't even born yet, it feels like ancient history. It's important that we remind them of this cataclysmic day because after all, the world which they will inherit was drastically altered in a matter of hours that clear September morning just six short years ago.

Quote of the Day:

"No matter how hard we try words simply cannot express the horror, the shock, and the revulsion we all feel over what took place in this nation on Tuesday morning. September 11 will go down in our history as a day to remember."

-Billy Graham

Friday, September 7, 2007

From The Desk Of...

I looked down at my desk this morning and saw this, thought it was humorous and decided to share it with the world. My students were all like, "Mr. Redd, why are you laughing at the office supplies?" Ai adai, I love it when the Chinese decide to write things in English on their products.

NOTE: No paper was harmed in the making of this blog!

You may need to click on the image to make it big enough to read.

In all fairness though, my wife and I pulled up behind a pickup truck with a couple of local boys in it, one of whom was wearing a baseball cap with a Chinese character on it and I heard my wife snicker. So I asked what was so funny and she goes, "well that boy's hat says 'arm' in Chinese."

Whoa...on a totally unrelated note, some little kid just puked in front of my classroom...don't worry I'm not going to post a picture of it, nor am I going to have the steamed fish with lemon butter sauce now either. (cringe)

Speaking of school...I had what could possibly be called a uniquely Saipan conversation with a couple of students this afternoon. I had two 5th grade girls in my class sitting next to each other with the same last name and I asked them "Ok which one of you is Sally and which one is Sandy" to which one of them replied "I'm Sandy, she's Sally...she's my auntie" Of course I (ala Steele on Saipan) said "No you must mean cousins" but the girl was like "no she's really my auntie" and slowly Mr. Redd caught on. But seriously can you imagine being in the 5th grade with your aunt? That would be so trippy...but that's why I love Saipan.

Student Quote of the Day:

"Mr. Redd, why are you taking pictures of your desk?"

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Humpday Mania in the year 1701

What’s up with Wednesdays? It’s driving me nuts, my knees are weak, palms are sweaty, (this is starting to sound like an Eminem song) I’m wracking my brain trying to think of something to write about but it’s gotta be quick, I’ve got to post something before…The Surge.

Now you’re probably thinking, “this guy must have had a little crack with his microwaved Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg and Cheese Breakfast Croissant this morning, What is he talking about?” Well I’ll tell you…The Surge is a disturbing trend I’ve noticed in the blogosphere which occurs every Wednesday. Like a tsunami wave nearing the shore, the number of visitors traversing blogland starts as a slow trickle on Saturday but quickly builds as the week progresses only to come surging in mid-week before receding for the weekend. Apparently, for all you bloggers out there, every Wednesday you’d better have some new material because that’s when everyone decides to get online and check blogs. And no, I’m not just out there making wild accusations, I’ve got cold hard data to back me up on this.

It first came to my attention whilst I was perusing my Extreme Tracker account, which keeps track of my site traffic. The data showed that many more people visited my site on Wednesdays, when I’d get my highest numbers, as opposed to Saturdays, when I’d get my lowest numbers. But then I noted that the numbers proceeding Wednesday gradually increased while the numbers for the days after mid-week incrementally decreased. So that in graph form these numbers create a perfect wave pattern, and not just once in awhile but consistently week after week.

"Putting the Hump in Humpday"

Over the last three weeks 68 people have visited

my blog on a Wednesday.

Thinking that maybe my site was just an anomaly I quickly surfed to a few other blogs which include the Extreme Tracker only to find the exact same trend, though granted with much larger numbers than my measly crumbs. Therefore, one could truly call Wednesday “hump day” and have some concrete data to back them up.

When I queried a friend as to why they thought this should be so, they said that of course most people are out and about on the weekends. To which I replied “oh, um, yes of course, I’d heard a rumor about people with lives who actually do leave the house on Saturdays”…of course I’d assumed that this was just an old wives tale…I mean who’d want to leave the house when you could sit all day at a computer with the world at your fingertips.

Anno 1701

And when I say that I have the world at my fingertips I mean that quite literally. You see to escape the realities of rolling blackouts, invading feds and possible payless paydays I dive back into a time when the world was a simpler place, namely the year 1701.

Through the wonders of modern technology, and a PC game called Anno 1701, I’m able to be named governor of my own island, given 50,000 gold pieces and a charter from the queen admonishing me to go forth in her name and conquer. You’d be surprised at how addicting this can become not to mention how many hours of your life you can fritter away in the pursuit of glory for queen and country.

In a desperate attempt to rationalize the acres of time I’ve spent on this I will say that not only is this game just downright fun but it’s also quite educational. Through struggling to keep your population happy you learn quite a bit about important concepts like economics and politics. Things like building efficient trade routes, the right amount of supply to meet demand, the basic human needs of faith, education and power all must be considered in order for your civilization to be successful.

And while I’m becoming pasty white from lack of sun, I am apparently quite an auspicious ruler, having taken my people from mere peasants and pioneers to a conglomerate of wealthy merchants and aristocrats. And with a few more deft political maneuvers I hope to succeed in achieving independence from the crown without so much as a shot being fired…now if I could just figure out how to impress the wife with that…

She seems to think there's no validity to this type of experience but I assured her that indeed there was. What if, for example, I found myself on an island, thousands of miles from a mainland, which had been colonized and over time had decided that they too wanted to become independent of the meddling federal I mean...monarcy, and they needed somone to guide them to a bloodless revolution...well then I'd be their theory, of course.

Geez, I just realized my past two posts have been about video games…I’m such a dork. But be sure and tune in next hump day, since we know that’s when you all do your blog checking, when I’ll compare and contrast the intriguing elements of Dungeons and Dragons versus those of Magic: The Gathering.

Definition of the Week:

hump day (huhmp daye)


1. An English language idiom for Wednesday, a reference to making it through half of the week as getting "over the hump".

2. The middle of the work week, Wednesday, or the beginning of the weekend, depending on your level of addiction to alcohol.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Batteries, Widgets, and Radioactive Cockroaches

Part I


This summer I had a stroke of luck and was able to get a Wii for my birthday. And no, it has nothing to do with urinating, it’s actually Nintendo’s new revolutionary gaming console. And the reason I use the term “revolutionary” is because of the new, and unique way in which players can interact with this new system. No longer is video gaming a sit down sport, with the Wii you spend much more time on your feet moving around than on your butt. In fact, I about threw my arm out playing tennis with my wife in our living room the other night, how cool is that?

The key component to this interactivity is the innovative new controller, the so called Wiimote. It’s about the size of a king size Snickers bar and is completely wireless. The wiimote is a very virtually versatile device, playing the part of tennis racket, golf club, baseball bat, gun, etc, so that one actually uses their “Snickers bar” to control their tennis racket on the screen.

The only drawback I have seen so far is being that it’s wireless, this groovy new device runs on what else but a pair of AA batteries, the one piece of electronics that has remained unchanged for the past 30 years or more. Think about it, when you were a kid, lo those many years ago, what did you always need a handy supply of to keep your toys flashing and beeping but double A batteries. Now here it is the year 2007, I buy the latest, greatest piece of hardware available and what brings me to my knees and has me crawling back to it like a crack whore but more AA batteries.

So, being that my wiimote sucks down batteries faster than a Chamorro with a Budweiser, I seemed to have a real dilemma on my hands. After much deliberation, I decided rechargeable batteries would be the way to go. So I headed down to one of our favorite local markets, whose name will not be mentioned (), and proceeded to search for some rechargeable batteries. Upon finding them I was shocked to find a charger and four batteries priced at $34.99! Well, that was way more than I wanted to pay sooo I decided to go across the street to everyone’s favorite bulk market and buy the brick of 48 AA batteries for $15. In my mind 48 for $15 was a helluvalot better than 4 for $35.

Well, apparently, my wife does not agree. After proudly showing her my battery investment she frowned and replied “all you needed was two.” “Yes, but you’re not seeing the big picture here, darling” I retorted. “No,” she said, “you’re just too lazy to go out and get batteries only when you NEED them…you’re such a guy.” But that’s ok, she’s just a woman, so I know she couldn’t understand that this purchase was not just for the puny wiimote but was for all of my many devices that run on AA batteries, plus the package claims that these bundles of power have a 7 year shelf life, beat that you little rechargeable pansies.

It was at that point in the discussion that good old reliable CUC (never thought you’d see those words proceed CUC did ya?) came to the rescue with an unannounced (as though somehow they’re better when announced) power outage. But were we scrambling for flashlights filled with dead or dimming light?…noooo, we had enough battery power to light the stage at a U2 concert. Who needs a diesel generator when you’ve got 48 AA’s on hand? Now if I could just figure out how to wire my apartment to run on batteries instead of CUC, shoot, at a mere $15 for a brick of 48 I could probably save myself some money every month. To be completely independent of the grid would be so nice, then without fear of interruption, I could kick back and play with my Wii.

Incidentally, I find I receive queer looks when I tell the guys that I’m leaving Godfathers early so I can go home and play with my Wii…still not sure why that is…Wii envy I suppose. I mean my wife likes playing with my Wii, I’m sure they would too if they would just give it a try...wait somehow that didn’t come out right…

Part II


Widgets are what they call these nifty neat little thingamabobs over to the left of everyone’s blog which do everything from chat to balancing your checkbook. Recently I’ve been checking out many different kinds of widgets and trying to decide which ones will work first off, and then which ones I want on my blogsite.

Finally I’ve decided on one which I was pretty impressed with from a site (which PSS bans) called Stickam. You should (crossing my fingers, provided you're not at PSS) see it over to the side there ---> in the light blue skin. I was pretty impressed with this widget cuz, like I mentioned in a previous post I really like to share my music with everyone and let people see what I’ve been listening too lately.

But this one caught my eye because not only does it do music but, with it, I can also share pictures and videos, hence the title “Photos, Videos, and Music…Oh My”. So I hope you’ll take a minute to check out some of my music, see my videos (there’s two original Redd Productions on there now) and you better look at the photos too cuz you never know if you might show up in one.

Part III

“Radioactive Cockroaches”

Haha…I know, probably the part you’ve all been waiting for. And I don’t even know why I’m including this except that when I sat down to write this I was trying to come up with something unique that happened to me today and this is what struck me.

It all happened this morning when I went to microwave my frozen Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissant (another purchase from the bulk store where I got like an assload of them, and no, the wife was not thrilled with that purchase either). So I put the thing in and nuke it for one full minute per the instructions and as I open the microwave to retrieve my highly preserved carcinogen, er I mean breakfast, shooting out of the open door comes this little cockroach. He’d been in there for a whole minute, 60 full seconds, and didn’t seem fazed by it at all!? I mean it had turned my sandwich to mush but he looked like he was on cockroach crack or something, he was running around all super fast and stuff and darted under the counter before I could kill him. (Not that I was in any hurry)

So if you see a smoking fast little glowing cockroach over in the Kagman area I hope you’ve got some kryptonite on hand to kill his ass cuz I think he may have rode in on that asteroid spacecraft thingy with Superman.

Random Quote of the Day:

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

-Mark Twain