Saturday, May 17, 2008

Cold Showers

Ok, while I haven't gone quite as far as Ed suggested we should in terms of modifying our lifestyle (I am still using toilet paper..i found the banana leaf lacked the necessary amount of absorbancy) but we have turned off the water heater. Which, of course means cold showers but hey, its the tropics and its like 90 degrees everyday so obviously it hasn't been as bad as I originally thought. I find a nice cold shower in the morning, and relatively speaking it is pretty cold in the morning, is more effective at waking me up than any cup of coffee could be.

But as the power rates continue their moon bound trend it seems that this will be more of the norm for most folks...I seem to remember bradinthesand posting something recently about his "No Hot Water or Air Con Month" idea. So in a show of solidarity to all the cold shower people on Saipan and around the world...and in an effort to keep with the idea that its better to laugh at the hard times than cry about them, I offer you this quite humorous and VERY true look at men and women in the shower.

· Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
· Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
· Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
· Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, longloofah, wide loofahand pumice stone.
· Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
· Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
· Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
· Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
· Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
· Rinse conditioner off hair.
· Shave armpits and legs.
· Turn off shower.
· Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
· Spray mold spots with Tilex.
· Get out of shower.
· Dry with towel the size of a small country.
· Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..
· Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

· Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
· Walk naked to the bathroom.
· If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
· Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
· Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
· Get in the shower.
· Wash your face.
· Wash your armpits.
· Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
· Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
· Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
· Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
· Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
· Pee.
· Rinse off and get out of shower.
· Partially dry off.
· Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
· Admire wiener size in mirror again..
· Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
· Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
· Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great cold shower! Oh,and....woowoo!!!

The Wow That One Really Came Back to Bite Me Quote of the Day:

CUC Executive Director Antonio Muna, “The new rates might come as a shock for the residential customers, but the only solution to it for now is some modification to their lifestyle.”

Friday, May 9, 2008


Recently I received a comment from an anonymous poster who was, shall we say, less than thrilled with my HaoHao Haole posting, which I can't say I'm overly surprised at, I thought it was possible it could raise some hackles. Although I figured with my regular minuscule pool of readers it wouldn't be that big of a deal. That is of course, until Turbitt went and wrote a post on his blog about it and posted a link, suddenly traffic to my little parody doubled and with that added exposure came the slightly angry post to which I am alluding.
anonymous said...
Bryan, your comments are not very funny at all. At least Greg Cruz is doing something. All the Hao Hao Haoles ever do is hang out in their Hao Hao Haole hangouts and never really get to understand the culture and people from the local perspective. I noticed everyone who has responded to your blog has enjoyed it thus far. It must be nice to part of the "White Elite" of Saipan. But, you know, its ok, Say what you want, act how you act, but dont be surprised when someone walks up to anyone of on the street and knocks you flat on your ass. Not every "Haole" is like you.
So after reading this threatening post I thought to myself now WWGCD? (What Would Greg Cruz Do? and yes handmade bracelets with those letters will be on sale in a store near you soon with proceeds to benefit the Miura defense fund) And of course the answer was obvious, he'd write a response! Though his would probably take the form of a letter to the editor, since I have this neato little blog all set up from whence I can spew my personal propaganda I decided I'd just as well post it here, so here goes:

First off anonymous says "At least Greg Cruz is doing something". Now, let me clarify by saying that I never mentioned the name of Greg Cruz except to say at the end that he was my inspiration for posting the "HaoHao Haole Manifesto". And I guess I don't really see what's wrong with being someone's inspiration.

But second in response to that I'd like to ask "Really?" no I mean...REALLY? What exactly is the guy doing? I mean I see he's writing letters to the editor and stirring up divisiveness and blowing a lot of hot air but what is he DOing? I mean I hear he's unemployed so he's got plenty of time on his hands, at least he could be volunteering with Beautify CNMI and picking up trash and planting trees or something, that's what I call getting your hands dirty and DOing something to help the island. And shoot, for all I know maybe he's done that, but somehow I doubt it cuz I'm sure it would have made the front page of the local papers since their reporters seem to think it's important to report everything this dude does. Tomorrows headline "GC Has 3 Bowel Movements in One Day" full story on page 2.

As for me...what have I been DOing? Well for the past four years I've been working with the CNMI Public School System teaching indigenous children (or NMD's) how to use technology so that they can hopefully, one day, get ahead in this world. I like to focus on how they can use the internet to broaden their horizons and look beyond their small island. But not so that they can forget about it, exactly the opposite, so that they can go out into the virtual world and learn from that vast body of information which is right there at their fingertips. I pray they'll learn from other's mistakes as well as their successes and use that knowledge to make them better more well rounded and educated citizens of this commonwealth. To hopefully encourage this rising generation to respect their elders, culture and heritage but to look beyond some of the old ways and to challenge the status quo that has led us to these desperate and trying times.

Ai adai, I could go on...but once I get up on my soap box there's no tellin where it would end so I'll back slowly away from it now.

Getting back to the comment in question, however, there was one part of it which made me grin at the irony. Anonymous stated "I noticed everyone who has responded to your blog has enjoyed it thus far. It must be nice to [be] part of the "White Elite" of Saipan." Well lets just say that while I can't speak for lil hammerheads ethnicity I am 100% sure that the other three posters before you are all beautiful brown skinned much for the "White Elite".

As to your violent threat "dont be surprised when someone walks up to anyone of on the street and knocks you flat on your ass." Well...I've been here almost 9 years and all I've ever gotten on the street have been wonderful smiles and that tangled local handshake which I'm still trying to work out.

Oh and you're right...not every "Haole" is like me...but they wish they were ;-P

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself Quote of the Day:

"I respect what your organization stands for but there’s the right way and the wrong way of doing things. Taotao Tano is an advocate of the people. The people meaning CNMI and U.S. citizens. There are outsiders with children born here making these children “the people” so act for them, too! Our government did it for the “stateless” and the issue in the media went away."


Thursday, May 1, 2008

Feelin Stimulated Yet?

So, here's the question of the day: What's even more better than making fun of Greg Cruz and being a founding member of Hao Hao Haole? Well I'll tell ya...FREE MONEY! Yeah, that's right good (American) citizens of the CNMI we are included in that "lets give everyone a bunch of free cash so they can go out and blow it on stuff they don't need so we can jump start this crappy economy" idea that George and the Congressettes have been singing about.

Is this really such a good idea? you ask...well shhhhh. Number 1, we're only allowed one question of the day and we've already filled our quota, Number 2, I think there's some saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth or something and Number 3, YEAH this sounds like a stupid idea I mean how is giving everyone 600 bucks gonna suddenly restart an economy as mammoth as ours? I mean granted I'm no economist but there just seems to me that there must be some deeper issues than this "here son here's 600 dollars go buy yourself somethin nice...don't spend it all in one place now...but for the love of your country do go and spend it...all of, now." mentality can fix.

It's like G Dubbya and the other Grand Poobahs were all sittin around in the Oval Office one day brainstormin (scary thought I know) about how to fix the nations economic woes when G Dub leans in and says (in your best George Bush accent) "Now listen here, mkay, I've got an idear...ya see...when ever I piss off one of the twins I just give em some cash and they're happier than a polygamist at a Miley Cyrus concert. So, I reckon if we give everyone in America like 600 bucks or somthin then they'll quit they're bitchin" To which everyone in the room heartily agreed.

Sooo, my fellow Americans here's when you can expect your, I mean,, hush money, wait that has kind of a negative ring to it too...
Ahhh...I've got it, maybe if we give it a sexy name then it will go down easier, cuz everyone knows that sex sells, So here, ladies and gentlemen is the schedule for your Economic Stimulus Act of 2008...meow

And NO, I am not making this chart up, it's directly off of the IRS website, you can check it if you don't believe me.

Top Ten Pieces Of Fatherly Advice From George W. Bush:

(From The Late Show With David Letterman)
"You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one"
"Do as I saying, not as I doing did"
"At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off them"
"You can't go through life getting arrested and making as ass out of yourself...just kidding"
"Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up like Al Gore"
"If you ever get in a jam, call my dad -- it's always worked for me"
"Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says you're a disgrace to this, wait, that's what she said about me"
"Remember the motto of my predecessor: it's only a crime if you get caught"
"Never use a fake ID to buy hooch -- that's what secret service guys are for"
"Keep up the good work, girls -- at this rate you'll be president some day"