Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Man Song

OK...this is just downright funny, and if you don't think it's especially funny then you're either:
  1. Single, or
  2. Been married less than two years
Oh yeah and sure and tell BG (if it's ok with you of course) that I said thanks for making sure this got passed on to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, maybe we should start a support group...of course, we'd have to check and make sure it was OK with our wives first.

Don't worry, I got approval from the mean, my Wife, before I posted this. Shoot...she told me I was only supposed to call her "boss" in I'm really in trouble...

I Love My Wife Jokes of the Day:

LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life."

LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with too many chores. Don't discuss all your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Come Early

Well...despite all my recent humbugedness I must admit that while it hasn't been the greatest holiday season, it has had some high moments so least follicaly and gastrointestinaly.

Gastrointestinaly this holiday season has been great with the recent addition of two...that's right count em TWO new restaurants on Saipan. One of which I had been eagerly anticipating and one which snuck right up on me. As you may remember from a previous post I have been excitedly awaiting the arrival of Taco Bell since September and finally it has come. And just like God said on the 8th day after he made a run for the border for some pseudo-Mexican fast food "it was good". The other eatery is also something of a thrill ride (at least for those over the age of 80 it might be). What I'm alluding to is the new "360" rotating restaurant located in the UFO looking bit of the edifice formerly known as the Nauru building. Seriously though the atmosphere, service, price and most importantly the food were all quite good and I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later. And hey...if anyone ever tells you to sit and spin, you know where to go.

Follicaly, Christmas has come a little early as well. You may remember my Grownup Christmas List where my number one wish this year was for hair, as I am naturally somewhat challenged in that area, and well it came true! After I mainlined 60 cc's of Rogaine, Viola, the stuff started growing like mushrooms on poo! It was great, albeit somewhat short lived, you see it only lasted one night (kinda like Cinderella) but for that small slice of time I was on top of the world...cuz I had bangs! Not only that but it was brought to my attention that with copious amounts of untamed hair on my head I also have a striking resemblance to British heart throb and singer James Blunt.

Which, somehow, brings me to my very first blog poll ever. That's right, get ready cruel world cuz the "Whatever" blog is going interactive. And NO you don't get to vote on whether you think I look like James Blunt or not, I bet you'd like to, but I'm not going to give you that chance to burst my strangely gratifying little bubble about this. Instead, as a Christmas present from me to you, my loyal readers, what you get to do is sit back, relax and listen to two of James' (he told me to call him that) most popular songs and vote on which one you like the most. OK, ready? Good, now the two songs are "You're Beautiful" and "1973" both of which should show up in their entirety below. So enjoy the commercial free songs and be sure and vote to your right. Thanks! and Happy Holidays!

Things My Dad Never Had To Say To Me Joke of the Day:

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Not Worth Stealing

Microsoft: Vista Piracy less than XP

Software giant Microsoft has stated that as per their research piracy of the Vista OS is much less compared to the pirated installations of Windows XP.

One of the primary reasons behind this is the anti piracy measures taken by the company to protect the recently launched Vista OS.

However, these measures have also been a pain for the genuine customers as they had to suffer at times due to company’s faults or activation server downtimes.

A company representative added: “Piracy rates are lower because it’s harder.”

Market experts have said that to make Vista harder to pirate, Microsoft is ending up annoying the genuine buyers of the OS.

Um..yeah… that’s an interesting way to spin it but in my opinion the reason no one wants to pirate the vaunted Vista OS is for the same reason that birds fly upside down in Rota/Poland/West Virginia (see previous post)…there’s nothing worth crapping on, or stealing in this case.

Because trust me, there were plenty of pre-releases and cracked versions of Vista floating around in the “what’s a copyright?” zone in the early stages and they were quite popular. But the proof of the pudding’s in the eating as they say and well, not even a side of spam and a generous slathering of our beloved Tabasco sauce could make Vista any more palatable.

Speaking of spam…this kinda reminds me of a car I once owned, when I was in high school my parents proudly bequeathed me this piece of shyt which they called a car so that I could drive myself to and from school. Lets just say the “big cheese” as we called the schoolbus, was way cooler than this “car”…and I use that term loosely. If this car had been a Transformer it would have resembled an unshaven homeless Michael Moore in robot form but in vehicle mode it was a sleek sexy 1983 Ford Fairmont and I’m sure I could have left this piece downtown at midnight with the keys in it and the windows rolled down and no one would have bothered to even knick a hubcap.

Which brings us back to the reason no one is stealing Windows latest offspring…cuz NO ONE WANTS IT…even for free!

But ahoy me hardies what’s this up ahead on the starboard tack, well shiver me timbers its Windows XP with the upcoming service pack 3 update, now THAT I’d be willing to board and pillage. Arrrgghh!

Yet More Vista Bashing Quotes of the Day:

Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)

Norton Anti-virus Complete System Scan Results: 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Reservation for Mary and Joseph on the 25th Please

A hotel chain Tuesday said it was offering couples called Joseph and Mary in Britain, Ireland and Spain free accommodation this Christmas on proof of marriage and name.

Hotel chain Travelodge said husbands and wives matching their criteria would get a night's stay on the house, but with more home comforts than the humble stable of the Christian Nativity story.

The offer, appropriately, runs between Christmas Eve (December 24) to Twelfth Night (January 5, 2008).

"The phrase 'nothing room**' is something that resonates with us in the hotel business," said Travelodge operations director Jason Cotta.

"Therefore this year we have decided to evoke the true spirit of Christmas and invite Mary and Joseph couples as our guests."

A Travelodge spokeswoman said couples will have to be married and provide proof of identity and register their names at a special e-mail address.

Awww...ain't that sweet...such a heart warming little holiday human interest story, it almost makes me want to take down the "Bah Humbug" I put up in Christmas lights across my balcony. Almost...but not quite.

What I really wonder is if they would allow a Maria and a Jose to avail of the offer? If so it would seem only fair that if Maria and Jose had a baby Jesus (pron. Hay-Zeus) then they should get TWO nights free, don't ya think?

But seriously, what a brilliant and exceptionally creative move on the hotel's part. I mean free publicity out the proverbial wazoo and really, how many Mary and Joseph couples can there be? Factor in that they have to be traveling to those certain areas at that specific time and I'll bet you less than a dozen free rooms are given, kudos to Travelodge.

I'm thinkin maybe, just maybe, some of the Saipan hotels could come up with a similar promotion. But seeing as how most of our tourists are Asian, the whole Mary and Joseph Christmas thing might not be a big draw. But what if we tweaked it a little, like for our Japanese market any Toyota Honda couple could stay one night for free. For our Korean tourists it could be the Soju Kim-Chee couple. Oh and for the Russian market it would have to be something like the Kalashnikov Sputnik family. Hmm...somehow I think you might have a better chance of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Three Wise Men (Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod) showing up than that last couple but who could happen.

**edited by blog author for clarity

Bad Christmas Joke of the Day:

Have you ever noticed how no matter where you go in the world people from one country/state/island or whatever tend to treat those from a neighboring country/state/island or whatever with, shall we say, some disdain? For example, here on Saipan we tend to poke fun at those from Rota as being somewhat backward (shoot even their speed bumps are inside out, they have something like speed ditches, but don't get me started) When I was younger I fondly remember making relentless fun of the Polish, and to this day I don't even really understand why. While back home in Virginia we ruthlessly rip on those poor souls who have the unfortunate plight of having to call West Virginia home.

So in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, here is a Christmas joke which you can use to lampoon any unsuspecting people group anywhere by simply filling in the blank with whomever your inferior neighbor might be.

"Why wasn't Jesus born in Rota/Poland/West Virginia?"
"Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My Grown Up Christmas List

OK, yes I stole this title from that sappy Amy Grant Christmas song, but trust me, my "Grown up Christmas List" is going to be a whole lot different from hers. In her song she claims to want things like world peace and no more wars and that everybody will love each other and blah blah, boo who, wah wah...if she were honest I bet what she really wants this Christmas is another hit song cuz let's face it Amy, its been a looong time since "Baby, Baby" hit the charts.

So here's where I get real and you can too, forget your warm and fuzzy peace on earth baloney this Christmas; and you can stuff that "Spirit of Giving" up your turkey's bunghole and bake it cuz for my Grown Up Christmas List it's all about the "Spirit of Give Me"! So, here's what I want for Christmas and Santa had better be taking note cuz if he don't deliver I'm baking Exlax into the cookies. Try sliding down chimney's loaded with laxatives fat man. Now get out that list and start scribbling cuz here goes:

1. Hair- Yeah, that's right I want hair for Christmas, lots and lots of hair, a full head of it in fact. I have never known what that is like and well frankly I'm tired of it. What did I do to deserve such a massive freakin forehead? The answer to that is NOTHING! I just got screwed genetically in that department and it pisses me off. Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to have these little things called bangs...instead of this retarded little peninsula of baby fluff I have running half the length of my cranium.

2. A Raise- As in an increase in my pay. I know, I've heard allll the excuses about how we're in tough times and the government's going broke and blah blah blah, but the bottom line is this, I'm about to get my Masters degree and I want my raise to go with it, you promised it, now deliver it..and no, I don't care if that means you can't send a board of education member to a Head Start conference in the states. wtf?

3. A Christmas Break- I dunno if you got the memo or not but you see teachers are supposed to get a buttload of time off at Christmas, of course we can't call it Christmas we have to call it Winter break cuz somehow calling it Christmas break is a dangerous mix of church and state, but what really peeves me here is that I don't get a whatever you wanna call it break cuz I've got to attend my last two Master's classes the entire time. All this so that I can receive a Master's degree which I will get no extra compensation for!

4. A Swiss made titanium wristwatch- Just like the one that was stolen right off my wrist in Thailand. Yeah talk about your talented pickpocket, I mean granted it was at night and there were a lot of people bumping about but still, to be able to actually strip a watch right off someone's arm without their knowledge is either a testament to how slick that little Thai dude was or how stupid this farang (Thai for white dude) was.

5. The Asus Eee PC- I've already admitted on this very blog numerous times my nerdiness and geeky affinity toward gadgets and this is certainly the latest greatest little doo dad you didn't know you wanted for Christmas till now. This phat little gizmo is one of the hottest items on the market this holiday season and I can see why. Weighing in at just under 2 lbs. and measuring just 7'' this little laptop is the perfect traveling companion. The shock proof 4 gig solid state hard drive is the epitome of durability. It packs an Intel CPU and chipset with 512 MB of RAM, built in speakers, microphone and camera. And with a battery which boasts a 3.5 hour charge what's not to love? Best of all, however is the price, since it runs on a solid Linux based operating system there's virutally no software costs so she's able to come in at a suggested retail price of $200. Problem is, since this little hottie is so, well, hot right now the laws of supply and demand kick in and she's fetching more like $350. Oh yeah and for all you parents out there, in my professional opinion, with its user friendly graphic interface on top of all the other goodies I've already mentioned this is the perfect little computer for kids!

6. A Solar/Wind Power Generator- FOR OBVIOUS REASONS! Friggin CUC...

7. A Small Caliber Rifle with Mounted Scope- For those two foot sewer rats which seem to move about with impunity around our little blue dumpster thingy. It's probably not even that the rats themselves are so big it's just that they have the biggest pair of balls I've ever seen on a rodent. I mean I can walk up with a bag of trash yelling and screaming like a yeti getting an anal probe with an un-lubed piece of PVC pipe and two or three of them will see me coming, look up, give a snort of derision and continue nibbling their morsel of filth. (and that movie "Ratatouille" can kiss my white, rat hating butt!)

8. And last but certainly not least for my final Grown Up Christmas Wish...I Wish People Would Shut the @#$K Up About Global Warming! I mean seriously, I don't know about you but I've had about enough already. I read an article the other day talking about how stressed younger children in the US and the UK are about this issue, I mean we think it's not affecting them but it is. This article claimed that even children who grew up during the height of the Cold War with all the bomb drills etc. weren't as tweaked out as the kids coming up during the "global warming scare". Maybe I'm retarded and if you think so that's fine, I've been called worse, usually by my wife, but I look at it this way: There were friggin glaciers sitting on top of New York City like 10,000 years ago, but are they there, no...and why is that? Well it would seem to me that the evil "global warming" is to blame...or to praise...I guess it depends on your opinion of NYC. But regardless the ice has obviously continued to retreat back up to where it know the home of such things as ice hockey, the ice luge and ice bobsledding and all those other ice sport things. SO, it would appear that "global warming" has been going on for somewhere in the range of 10,000 years but NOW all of a sudden it's OUR fault? And even if it is, who cares? So we lose a few polar bears...have you ever been chased by a polar bear? Well in a few years you won't have to worry about it at all, I mean who needs that stress...looking over your shoulder for polar bears all the time, I sure don't. I bet you my non-existent pay raise that our ancestors didn't shed too many crocodile tears over the loss of those bigass saber-tooth tigers. So if Al Gore decides to visit Saipan he'd better look out cuz due to my not so subtle threat on the well being of Santa's bowels I'm pretty sure he's going to hook me up with wish #7 so I'll be ready for Al and any of his Chicken Little supporters.

See...Santa don't believe either. Merry Freakin Christmas!

Global Warming Quotes of the Day:

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much." --Jay Leno


Due to recent events in the Commonwealth I feel I need to clearly label this post as SATIRICAL.

I really don't need the Legislature to vote me persona who threatened Santa Claus and hates Christmas and giving and babies and puppies and everything warm and fuzzy in the world non grata.