Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My Grown Up Christmas List

OK, yes I stole this title from that sappy Amy Grant Christmas song, but trust me, my "Grown up Christmas List" is going to be a whole lot different from hers. In her song she claims to want things like world peace and no more wars and that everybody will love each other and blah blah, boo who, wah wah...if she were honest I bet what she really wants this Christmas is another hit song cuz let's face it Amy, its been a looong time since "Baby, Baby" hit the charts.

So here's where I get real and you can too, forget your warm and fuzzy peace on earth baloney this Christmas; and you can stuff that "Spirit of Giving" up your turkey's bunghole and bake it cuz for my Grown Up Christmas List it's all about the "Spirit of Give Me"! So, here's what I want for Christmas and Santa had better be taking note cuz if he don't deliver I'm baking Exlax into the cookies. Try sliding down chimney's loaded with laxatives fat man. Now get out that list and start scribbling cuz here goes:

1. Hair- Yeah, that's right I want hair for Christmas, lots and lots of hair, a full head of it in fact. I have never known what that is like and well frankly I'm tired of it. What did I do to deserve such a massive freakin forehead? The answer to that is NOTHING! I just got screwed genetically in that department and it pisses me off. Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to have these little things called bangs...instead of this retarded little peninsula of baby fluff I have running half the length of my cranium.

2. A Raise- As in an increase in my pay. I know, I've heard allll the excuses about how we're in tough times and the government's going broke and blah blah blah, but the bottom line is this, I'm about to get my Masters degree and I want my raise to go with it, you promised it, now deliver it..and no, I don't care if that means you can't send a board of education member to a Head Start conference in the states. wtf?

3. A Christmas Break- I dunno if you got the memo or not but you see teachers are supposed to get a buttload of time off at Christmas, of course we can't call it Christmas we have to call it Winter break cuz somehow calling it Christmas break is a dangerous mix of church and state, but what really peeves me here is that I don't get a whatever you wanna call it break cuz I've got to attend my last two Master's classes the entire time. All this so that I can receive a Master's degree which I will get no extra compensation for!

4. A Swiss made titanium wristwatch- Just like the one that was stolen right off my wrist in Thailand. Yeah talk about your talented pickpocket, I mean granted it was at night and there were a lot of people bumping about but still, to be able to actually strip a watch right off someone's arm without their knowledge is either a testament to how slick that little Thai dude was or how stupid this farang (Thai for white dude) was.

5. The Asus Eee PC- I've already admitted on this very blog numerous times my nerdiness and geeky affinity toward gadgets and this is certainly the latest greatest little doo dad you didn't know you wanted for Christmas till now. This phat little gizmo is one of the hottest items on the market this holiday season and I can see why. Weighing in at just under 2 lbs. and measuring just 7'' this little laptop is the perfect traveling companion. The shock proof 4 gig solid state hard drive is the epitome of durability. It packs an Intel CPU and chipset with 512 MB of RAM, built in speakers, microphone and camera. And with a battery which boasts a 3.5 hour charge what's not to love? Best of all, however is the price, since it runs on a solid Linux based operating system there's virutally no software costs so she's able to come in at a suggested retail price of $200. Problem is, since this little hottie is so, well, hot right now the laws of supply and demand kick in and she's fetching more like $350. Oh yeah and for all you parents out there, in my professional opinion, with its user friendly graphic interface on top of all the other goodies I've already mentioned this is the perfect little computer for kids!

6. A Solar/Wind Power Generator- FOR OBVIOUS REASONS! Friggin CUC...

7. A Small Caliber Rifle with Mounted Scope- For those two foot sewer rats which seem to move about with impunity around our little blue dumpster thingy. It's probably not even that the rats themselves are so big it's just that they have the biggest pair of balls I've ever seen on a rodent. I mean I can walk up with a bag of trash yelling and screaming like a yeti getting an anal probe with an un-lubed piece of PVC pipe and two or three of them will see me coming, look up, give a snort of derision and continue nibbling their morsel of filth. (and that movie "Ratatouille" can kiss my white, rat hating butt!)

8. And last but certainly not least for my final Grown Up Christmas Wish...I Wish People Would Shut the @#$K Up About Global Warming! I mean seriously, I don't know about you but I've had about enough already. I read an article the other day talking about how stressed younger children in the US and the UK are about this issue, I mean we think it's not affecting them but it is. This article claimed that even children who grew up during the height of the Cold War with all the bomb drills etc. weren't as tweaked out as the kids coming up during the "global warming scare". Maybe I'm retarded and if you think so that's fine, I've been called worse, usually by my wife, but I look at it this way: There were friggin glaciers sitting on top of New York City like 10,000 years ago, but are they there now...um, no...and why is that? Well it would seem to me that the evil "global warming" is to blame...or to praise...I guess it depends on your opinion of NYC. But regardless the ice has obviously continued to retreat back up to where it belongs...Canada...you know the home of such things as ice hockey, the ice luge and ice bobsledding and all those other ice sport things. SO, it would appear that "global warming" has been going on for somewhere in the range of 10,000 years but NOW all of a sudden it's OUR fault? And even if it is, who cares? So we lose a few polar bears...have you ever been chased by a polar bear? Well in a few years you won't have to worry about it at all, I mean who needs that stress...looking over your shoulder for polar bears all the time, I sure don't. I bet you my non-existent pay raise that our ancestors didn't shed too many crocodile tears over the loss of those bigass saber-tooth tigers. So if Al Gore decides to visit Saipan he'd better look out cuz due to my not so subtle threat on the well being of Santa's bowels I'm pretty sure he's going to hook me up with wish #7 so I'll be ready for Al and any of his Chicken Little supporters.

See...Santa don't believe either. Merry Freakin Christmas!

Global Warming Quotes of the Day:

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much." --Jay Leno

************************DISCLAIMER****************************

Due to recent events in the Commonwealth I feel I need to clearly label this post as SATIRICAL.

I really don't need the Legislature to vote me persona who threatened Santa Claus and hates Christmas and giving and babies and puppies and everything warm and fuzzy in the world non grata.

4 comments:

The Saipan Blogger アンジェロ・ビラゴメズ said...

2 lbs and 7 inches? Wow. I wish I had one of those.

bigsoxfan said...

A couple of places near the library were selling sweet little single shot crossman air pistols. They use the same size air cannister as a paintball gun, but shoot sizable pellets out to forty feet with decent accuracy. Ten or fifteen feet and you will score everytime. Tape your handy mini mag light to the bottom and you have a rat killing machine. My wife used ours to get mangoes from the upper reaches of the tree out back. Versatile, eh.

Good luck on the rest of your list. Like that raise thing.. eww?

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