Friday, February 29, 2008

Guamania...(a repost)

First of all let me say a big SORRY to everyone out there who so anxiously wanted to see the Steven Colbert clip from my Mmm...Chamorro post but was unable to. So in an attempt to remedy that little snafu I've uploaded the clip to YouTube and have posted it here for all of your viewing pleasure. Bon Apetit..

I dunno what the deal is but YouTube seems to be a lot more reliable in delivering on demand video than the Blogger in house system, which seems weird cuz they're both owned and operated by Google!? Ah well..."Whatever" :-P

Sorry dudes and dudettes...I just got an email from YouTube saying that they had to pull this clip because of "a third-party notification by Viacom International Inc. (corporate assholes) claiming that this material is infringing" to which I reply WHAT-THE-F**K-EVER!

Another Random One Liner of the Day:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Happy Bissextile Day!

Bet ya that title caught your attention didn't it?...ya pervs... Well, sorry to be the salacious buzz killer but unfortunately Bissextile has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences, in fact it has nothing to do with sex at, now that I've probably lost over three quarters of my audience I'll continue.

Bissextile is actually the official name of the leap day we add every four years to keep our calendar in sync. Hence my title "Happy Bissextile Day", it just sounded so much more intriguing than "Happy Leap Day".

The MacMillan Dictionary actually breaks it down like this:

bissextile adjective
referring to a leap year
bissextile noun [C]
a leap year
bissext (also bissextus) noun [C]
February 29th, the extra day in a leap year

Incidentally... Bissext is also often referred to as "Ladies Day." This is because of the old tradition that women are allowed to propose marriage to men not only on Leap Year Day (2/29) but throughout the entire Leap Year. This tradition can be traced back to an old Irish legend concerning St. Patrick and St. Bridget in the 5th Century.

Bridget complained that her nuns were upset because they never had a chance to propose marriage. (Note: At this time, the celibacy rule in religious orders was based on personal private vows and not a requirement by the church.) So, Patrick suggested that the women be given this privilege every 7 years. This wasn't good enough for Bridget. She said it should be every 4 years! So, Patrick compromised and obliged the women by saying that they could have Leap Year. Patrick felt this showed just how passive women were expected to be in those days. Much to his surprise, Bridget then proposed to him! Patrick declined her proposal. Instead he promised to give her a silk gown and a kiss.

So... in the British Isles during the Middle Ages there was an unwritten law that stated every single man who turned down a woman's proposal during Leap Year had to compensate her with a kiss plus either a silk gown or a pair of gloves.

All of which begs the question, Why doesn't a woman have to compensate a man when she flat rejects him!?

Another weird term associated with this unusual day is the noun "leapling", used to refer to a person born on February 29th. They even have their own website (of course who doesn't these days) found at bad would it suck to be born on February 29th? I mean, not only would you only have a birthday every four years, but you could also be referred to as a Bissextile Leapling. I reckon if your folks weren't married when you popped out you'd be a Bissextile Leapling Bastard.

As if you haven't been force fed enough useless bissextile trivia for one day...(ah well it only happens once every four years so deal with it) but funny enough I found out that rapper Ja Rule is a Bissextile Leapling. I'm unsure as to his parents matrimonial status at the time of his birth so it looks like I'll have to leave off that last bit.

By the way...if you're out tonight and you bump into someone who seems to be going at it just a little harder than the rest of the crowd, it's probably a Leapling. Apparently their motto is "Party like it happens only once every four years!"

So hold on to yer butts Saipan cuz it's shaping up to be a crazy bissextile night. The volcanic haze is back with a vengence, there's a Navy ship in, the Leaplings will be out in force and there's live reggae at the Hard Rock.

Whoa...I just had a scary thought, what if there's a leapling among the sailors?? If there is then I can already see tomorrow's headline "Leapling Sailor Parties Himself Into Coma". I mean think about only get to celebrate your birthday once every four years and you've been cooped up on some ship for like 6 months...yikes.

Random One Liner of the Day:

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Friday, February 22, 2008


Y'all might remember about a year ago when there was a little bit of talk going around about the Congresswoman from Guam, Madeline Bordallo, appearing on the Colbert Report. Well, seeing as our television schedule with the consumer friendly monopoly KMCV is so assbackwards I was able to hear all about the program and then sit down and actually watch it a week later, and let me just say folks...I cried.

I mean seriously...I was laughing so hard there were tears of sheer laughter running down my face. It has to be one of the best Colbert reports that ole Steven has ever done, you could tell he was just "on" as he was interviewing her. So here in a "Whatever" blog exclusive (seriously you can't find this anywhere else) I proudly present to you the Colbert report on Guamania.

The other thing that cracks me up about this is that, being someone who's lived out here for some time now, I've had many similar conversations with people that went something like this when talking about where I lived. Whether it be on the plane, at family gatherings or when trying to rent a car with my homemade looking drivers license...the look of "'re part of the States!?" appears without fail.

But the reality is that the average American Joe on the street has no IDEA where or who we are out here, as can be evidenced by Colbert's comment that there are 4 "protectorates". I'm assuming those would be Guam, American Samoa, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Apparently the CNMI didn't make the list. But you know what...all things considered I'm totally cool with that cuz I love telling people about Saipan. I sat next to a guy on a flight back in October when I went home for a week and he just seemed so intrigued to learn about our island, we must have talked about the CNMI for the whole four hour flight from Richmond to Minneapolis. And towards the end of the trip when I asked him about what it was like in his home state of South Dakota all he could say was "well it's not near as interesting as Siam".

So yeah, granted, we still got some PR to do but, for me at least, its a labor of love. :-)

Pacific Island Jokes of the Day:

A Chamorro man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Chamorro man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Chamorro man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen here par - when I was born, I was BROWN,"
When I grew up, I was BROWN,
When I'm sick, I'm BROWN,
When I'm cold, I'm BROWN,
When I die, I'll be BROWN."
But lania brat, you are something different...
"When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow up, you're WHITE,
When you're sick, you're GREEN,
When you go in the sun, you turn RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
And when you die, you turn PURPLE."

Two Chamorro women are walking down the street. One notices A compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second says, "Here, let me see!" So the first one hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!""

" A Chuukese, A Yapese and a Pohnpeian were in a car. Who was driving????
Answer: A DPS Officer.. "

Ok, you gotta admit these are funny but if you are offended please don't be mad at me I didn't write them so send your hate mail here

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Saipan Stinks!

NOOO...don't worry, I'm not trying to start Saipan bashing like whoever that guy is over at the Saipan sucks website. I'm actually being quite literal, for the past couple of days Saipan has truly stunk and anyone who lives here will wholeheartedly agree with me on this. It smells like a 75-year-old man's ass who eats nothing but eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Saipan Tribune referred to it in today's paper as "The characteristic smell of sulfur-like rotting eggs and an open sewer." Nice one Ferdie!

Ok, I'll stop being so cryptic, the real reason Saipan smells so bad at the moment is because we have a volcano about 75 miles to the north of us, called Anatahan, which apparently has eaten some bad Mexican food. It's been spewing forth a noxious combination of gases which, thanks to the recently prevailing winds, have been flowing right over our lovely little slice of paradise.
(oops...sorry Angelo, I forgot I'm supposed to be doing my part for tourism...
..don't reckon this is helping much...)

Here's a picture of the "volcanic haze" which has been stinking up the place.
I totally stole this off of the Saipan Tribune website...nice shot though Jackie, I love the sign!

But, in an attempt to see the glass as half full, there are some silver linings to this gray cloud of stench. For one, you can now feel free to fart with impunity. Or at least you no longer have to worry about blaming it on the cat. I mean think about it, if the whole place smells like one big air biscuit then who's going to notice if you just let a little butt burp off the leash? That is, of course, assuming you're skillful enough to keep the noise level down.

The other bright side to this revolves around this whole argument of geological validation which I was trying to explain to my wife. She, like most women, has what seems to me an almost aberrant phobia of flatulence. And the point I was trying to make, while out on our balcony engulfed in it's perfume, was that if even mother Earth gets gas which she must expel from time to time then its only natural that we humans should feel free to do so as well.

I don't think she bought it...although I do think she believes that truly was the volcano which just blew through here a second ago...sweet...

Fun Fart Facts of the Day:

(Oh you just knew I was gonna do something like this)

What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

(and you thought I was gonna post something sweet for Valentines Day didn't you? Well...SIKE!)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

You Grew Up In The Late 80's/Early 90's If...

Ahhh...the good ole days, when our War's were Cold and our Wheels were Hot. When all you had to worry about was building forts by the creek and making sure you didn't get hit in the eye with a BB pellet. (reminiscent sigh) Man how I miss those days. So, in order to pay homage to those simpler times I present to you some highlights from a selection entitled "You Know You Grew Up in the Late 80's/Early 90's If..."

You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

You know the profound meaning of " WAX ON , WAX OFF"

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You ever wore fluorescent clothing.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

Ahh...The silly things we did before the enlightenment age of the IPod.

(Is it just me or is this guy wearing a Daniel Boone style coon-skin hat with his jump suit?)

You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

You just sang those words to yourself.

You had a pair of stone washed "cargo'' jeans...I dunno if they were really called that but I had a pair that I LOVED, lol.

You remember "Where's the Beef?"

You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You're still singing shot through the heart in your head

80's Joke of the Day:

Q: Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation?
A: John Cougar's Melon Camp

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A: Michael Jackson was burned using Pepsi and Richard Pryor was burned using Coke.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Popping Seeds of Saipan

This was so cool I thought I just HAD to write about it. You see I've been substituting for a fifth grade teacher who's been out on maternity leave for the past three weeks and, as always, I learned a thing or two during my tenure there. This time around the kids showed me something after 8 years of living here I had never seen on this island. They introduced me to the Popping Seed of Saipan. I searched the internet trying to find out their real name but I could not find it anywhere and I was so intrigued by this little firecracker that I made a video of it and have posted it here for your enjoyment.

So tell those Grinches on the Hill they can go ahead and ban our Christmas fireworks...who needs them anyways...we'll just GROW OUR OWN!

Seed Jokes of the Day:

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
–Steven Wright

What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.
-Ernest Hemingway