Thursday, February 14, 2008

Saipan Stinks!

NOOO...don't worry, I'm not trying to start Saipan bashing like whoever that guy is over at the Saipan sucks website. I'm actually being quite literal, for the past couple of days Saipan has truly stunk and anyone who lives here will wholeheartedly agree with me on this. It smells like a 75-year-old man's ass who eats nothing but eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Saipan Tribune referred to it in today's paper as "The characteristic smell of sulfur-like rotting eggs and an open sewer." Nice one Ferdie!

Ok, I'll stop being so cryptic, the real reason Saipan smells so bad at the moment is because we have a volcano about 75 miles to the north of us, called Anatahan, which apparently has eaten some bad Mexican food. It's been spewing forth a noxious combination of gases which, thanks to the recently prevailing winds, have been flowing right over our lovely little slice of paradise.
(oops...sorry Angelo, I forgot I'm supposed to be doing my part for tourism...
..don't reckon this is helping much...)

Here's a picture of the "volcanic haze" which has been stinking up the place.
I totally stole this off of the Saipan Tribune website...nice shot though Jackie, I love the sign!

But, in an attempt to see the glass as half full, there are some silver linings to this gray cloud of stench. For one, you can now feel free to fart with impunity. Or at least you no longer have to worry about blaming it on the cat. I mean think about it, if the whole place smells like one big air biscuit then who's going to notice if you just let a little butt burp off the leash? That is, of course, assuming you're skillful enough to keep the noise level down.

The other bright side to this revolves around this whole argument of geological validation which I was trying to explain to my wife. She, like most women, has what seems to me an almost aberrant phobia of flatulence. And the point I was trying to make, while out on our balcony engulfed in it's perfume, was that if even mother Earth gets gas which she must expel from time to time then its only natural that we humans should feel free to do so as well.

I don't think she bought it...although I do think she believes that truly was the volcano which just blew through here a second ago...sweet...

Fun Fart Facts of the Day:

(Oh you just knew I was gonna do something like this)

What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

(and you thought I was gonna post something sweet for Valentines Day didn't you? Well...SIKE!)


Bruce A. Bateman said...

Hey, a little sulphurous gassing and a bit of airborne silica give Saipan a certain exotic cachet, tourism wise.

glend558 said...

Why do farts stink?
To benifit the deaf!
Lady goes to the Dr. and says
Doc What is wrong with me I fart all the time, why I fart in church, in elevators, in taxies, in fact I've been farting as I sit here in your office, the good thing is they don't make any noise, so what is wrong with me?
The Dr. replies, "your ears".

bigsoxfan said...

My favorite fart memory; Is of my nephew rippin' a good one, while my brother was changing him. The look of paternal pride on brother's face was as enlightening as it was a little scary. Of course, in Maine, a good fart joke can be on a best selling album. Try, Tim Sample's "moodys diner"

KelliOnSaipan said...

This blog reminded me of my grandmother, who would never let us say fart (as it was such a vulgar word to her), we had to call it a "poot". But if she got mad enough, felt free to say sh-t. Go figure.

Saipan Kat said...

Men don't just blame it on cats, my man blames it on the bullfrog.

bradinthesand said...

hey, there's a very well documented bullfrog problem in marpi...

Anonymous said...

[... ] is other must read source of tips on this subject[...]