Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Taj Mahal

There was a T-shirt on sale in the town of Agra, where the Taj Mahal is located which proclaimed "Go Via Agra and witness man's greatest erection for a woman" lol, yeah ok, I know it's kinda crude but you gotta admit it is funny, and quite true actually. The Taj Mahal was, in fact, built for the love of a woman. It stands as an amazing monument to love and the great heartache of love lost. So now here it is in pictures and stories as I experienced it.

Me and an English fellow named John I'd met the evening before at dinner agreed to get up at the butt crack of dawn to beat the crowds and see the Taj Mahal. So at 5:30 AM we found ourselves to be the only ones in line waiting to buy a ticket to enter which we were allowed to do at 6:00 and in we walked...the first two people through the gate.

After you walk through the outer courtyard and head towards the main gate this is the view which greets you and your heart starts thumping and you get a goofy sorta grin on your face as it begins to dawn on you that you've finally made it, after all the travel and difficulties, you're only steps away from one of the great wonders of the world.

Then there it is, in all its splendor and white marble, the Taj Mahal. Built to be the eternal resting place of Shah Jahan's true love, Mumtaz. The story goes that the beloved Mumtaz died giving birth to her 16th child. No wonder Shah Jahan felt so bad and went to such lengths for the poor gal, he killed her by knocking her up 16 times, she must have spent her whole life pregnant!

The Taj Mahal is surrounded by four minarets but since it's actually a tomb and not a mosque they're not used for calling the faithful to prayer but simply as towering decorations.

They say it took 20,000 workers 12 years just to complete the main tomb building, and when you get up close you can see why it would have taken so long with the intricate carvings and inlay work, the small details are just as beautiful as the building as a whole.

The Taj Mahal was constructed using materials from all over India and Asia. Over 1,000 elephants were used to transport building materials during the construction. The translucent white marble was brought from Rajasthan, the jasper from Punjab, jade and crystal from China. The turquoise was from Tibet and the Lapis lazuli from Afghanistan, while the sapphire came from Sri Lanka and the carnelian from Arabia. In all, twenty eight types of precious and semi-precious stones were inlaid into the white marble.

Agra Fort in the distance

The story goes that as Shah Jahan was advancing in years that he decided to build an identical Taj on the other side of the river from the original one only this one would be made entirely of black marble. His son, the heir to the throne, had other ideas since the building of the first one had all but bankrupt the kingdom (they say the price tag was somewhere in the billions of dollars in todays money) So the son placed the father under a kind of house arrest and forced him to live out the remainder of his days in an apartment built for him, out of marble of course, atop the walls of the Agra Fort which he was never allowed to leave. He apparently spent the last 7 years of his life gazing across the river at the Taj Mahal and mourning the loss of Mumtaz, his one true love.

Shah Jahan's marble apartment built on the walls of the Agra Fort facing across the Yamuna river to the Taj Mahal.

I dunno what the Indians call this critter but it looked to me like a squirrel accidentally humped a chipmunk and out popped this little guy.

Later in the day we went to the other side of the river to take pictures of the Taj from that vantage point where there was a little kid who would not stop harassing me until I let him take a picture of me "holding" the Taj Mahal...for which he later wanted some compensation for, of course.

Here's a view of the Taj Mahal from the roof of my hotel just after sunset. I would have taken the picture at sunset but there was a monkey on the roof enjoying the view during that time and know how I feel about monkeys, so I wasn't about to disturb him.

Taj Mahal Quote of the Day:


Taj entry fee for foreigners - 750 Rupees (17.83 USD)
Taj entry fee for Indians - 20 Rupees (0.47 USD)

Does that seem fair to you? Now don't get me wrong, I'm familiar with the idea of a discount for locals but lets at least try to be a little equitable.


Sorry it's been a month late in coming but here's the next update in the India saga that was most of my summer. In this installment we'll take a look at the beautiful Himalayan town of Shimla in pictures and anecdotes. Feel free to click on the images to enlarge them to their full size.

Ahhh...Shimla, a truly beautiful, cool town and I mean that both in temperature and state of being.

There always seemed to be something going on up on "The Ridge" near the church. This couple was dancing to the song the man behind them was singing acapella. I love the look on this dude's face, so typical of this area, the men chasing the women and the women seemingly indifferent.

Mmmmm...Chicken Tikka with some stuffed Kulcha on the side...I miss you

Here's my British classmate and study partner/drinking buddy being attacked by a random roaming cow. Yes, it may look as though he's just stroking ole Bessy behind the ears but tis not so. Actually Bessy got rather annoyed when Stephen stood in front of her to take her picture so she, wishing she had horns, rammed her head into his belly basically telling him to piss off, lol, moody cow.

Here's Stephen with Naveen, our Koenig trainer, in our classroom. Stephen's going for the grandaddy of all Koenig courses, the MCSE career track, which is a 3 month intensive program and Naveen gets the pleasure of being his trainer for the whole the end of which they will either be fast friends or one of them will lay bleeding and dying on the floor.

As I mentioned Shimla is cool, even downright cold at night which surprised me everyone kept saying how hot India was going to be, but not in the mountains it ain't. So being that all I had with me were Saipan clothes I had to buy a jacket, hat and some long pants. So here's me taking a picture of my new getup in the mirror of the fancyass Clark Hotel where we had an outrageously overpriced dinner.

Here's a picture of some Chicken Masala which I'm pretty sure was responsible for my next four days of absolute agony. I dunno how else to explain it except to say that it felt like someone was stabbing me in the stomach after which time my backside would literally explode. At the time I was going through a roll of toilet paper per day.

We came across this guy and his herd of water buffalo on the way to Hatu Peak. In order for our car to pass he forced his flock up onto the precipitous hillside, where they started to slip and stumble...I was sure one of them was going to roll down that hill into our car.

Here I am at the top of Hatu Peak (3400 meters). I was still suffering from some gastrointestinal issues when we reached the summit so for the first time in my life I was forced to find a tree, squat, and spend some quality time communing with nature. That smile is a giant grin of relief!

No, don't worry they haven't been shot in the head, they're just the rarely encountered British Hindu, also known as Rob and Stephen. Stephen had a habit of rubbing his forehead thus smearing red dot all over his brow.

On the way back to Delhi from Shimla I had a ten hour bus ride which was made even longer by the fact that we suddenly ran into a landslide on one of those steep, and I do mean steep, switchback mountain roads. So, our intrepid bus driver, stopped the coach, sighed, picked up a sledgehammer he kept on hand for just such an occasion and started whacking away. After he tired some of the other passengers would take a few turns smacking at the rock to make a path for our bus. I offered my services but he took one look at me and insisted that I sit and watch, now I know I'm a pretty big wuss but something in his demeanor made me think that I had probably paid 5 times as much as the other passengers...ah well, such is India.

Finally we were able to squeeze the old Volvo "Luxury Coach" through and it was on to Delhi...or so we thought...

Unfortunately it was not to be, we got about an hour outside of Delhi when the bus broke down. The bus driver told everyone to get out, opened the doors to the luggage hold, pointed south and basically said "Delhi's that way" before flagging down one of the overcrowded local buses which miraculously absorbed him and the rest of the Indian passengers leaving me and the two Dutch fellows sitting on side of the road in the middle of Whoknowswhere, India staring at half a dozen guys who didn't have a full set of teeth between them but who did manage enough English to say "You go Delhi?" "2000 rupee!" sigh...Ai Adai...

India Quote of the Day:


-it's the default answer to every question regardless of whether its true or not...Can I have some more toilet paper? "Yes" Is this really chicken? "Yes" Do you have any beer besides Kingfisher? "Yes" Do you secretly enjoy dressing in womens clothing at night when no one else is around? slight pause..."Yes?"

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Attack of the Pooping Monkeys

At about 5:30 one morning I woke up to what sounded like someone walking outside my door, this was then followed by a low growling sound, like a small dog would make. As I slowly rise up in the bed, obviously somewhat alarmed, I hear what sounds like someone's hand on the door lever, so at first I just thought it was the guy bringing tea and since he had just walked on in once before I thought maybe he was going to forego the whole knocking thing and just enter.

Well at that point the door handle did in fact turn all the way and the door swung open about 4 inches or so and was followed by that shall we say disconcerting growling sound again. Now I'm in full freak out mode as I'm realizing that there is something definately non-human out there and 1. it had just managed to open my door...surprising and 2. it did NOT sound friendly.

Now the adrenaline is really pumping as I jump from the bed clothed only in my boxers and slam the door shut. This is followed by more growling and scrabbling at the door and the freakiest thing is I can feel this creature trying to turn the handle. Well my mind is racing trying to wake up and figure out what the hell is going on, I mean I'm thinking this is just a dog but dogs don't turn handles!?

At this point I'm looking out the window trying to get a glimpse of whatever it is that is trying to get itself into my room but I can't see anything. I check the door peephole but there's nothing. Then I slowly turn to the window on the other wall as I am on the room at the end and as I press my face up to the glass for a better angle, suddenly this furry face appears in the window astonishingly close causing me to simultaneously wet myself and scream like a girl.

Suddenly the mind kicks in, they're monkeys and there must be at least a half dozen of them as I hear them running past the windows and there's still one trying the door. "What do they want?" I wonder as I finally figure out how to lock the door and I race to make sure the windows are secured. As I get to one window I see a rather large monkey sitting on the ledge and I scream "Go Away" and he jumps up and scratches at the window.

Ok, that's it! Now I've gone from scared outta my mind to pissed off mode and I'm looking for a little payback. That's when I notice a lighter sitting on the table. Ah Ha! That's it! What separates man from animals...Fire! So I grab my little aresol can of body spray and think I'll make a homemade flame thrower like we used to do when we were kids and I'll show this little apeass punk who's at the top of the so called evolutionary ladder.

Armed with the lighter in one hand and the body spray in the other I do a little one, two, three countdown and throw the door open screaming like Rambo with an AK-47 under each arm.

Its here I realize that chemical companies have come a long way in the 20 years since I was a kid in making comsumer products safer and keeping stupid children from blowing themselves up. Sooo...instead of toasting thier primate asses with an impressive ball of flame all I ended up doing was deoderizing the little bastards. Fortunatly they didn't seem to appreciate the sex appeal of Tag body spray and they scattered.

They did, however, leave me a little present, as you can see from the picture I took after I was sure the coast was clear. It would appear that all they wanted was some toilet paper so they could wipe their little monkey butts after having a little monkey poo. Somehow things just sound funnier when you say "monkey" in front of them.

India Roadsign Quote of the Day:

"Whiskey is Risky, Drink and Drive Carefully"

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Delhi to Shimla

So...after the fun filled adventure that was Air India I thought maybe I'd be in for a break, you know, maybe things would go smoothly from here on in...but alas, it was not to be. As I mentioned I arrived quite late into Dehli but was able to get through immigration and customs without a problem and, due to the late hour, fairly quickly. I felt sorry for the poor cabbie who had been sent to pick me up as he had apparently been there waiting for me for close on 5 hours. He seemed to take it all in stride though and away we went through the dark and quite dusty streets of New Delhi to a hotel where I was shown to a room and promptly crashed out.

Only to be abruptly awoken at 6am with a knock on the door informing me that my taxi would be there at 7am to take me to the bus terminal where I would board a bus for Shimla, the town in the Himalayan foothills where I'd be taking my computer certification course. So, surprisingly prompt, I was whisked away to the bus station, which I must say looked like it had seen some better 75 years ago. But a bus station it was and so I loaded the bus and again, things moved fairly efficiently as the bus rolled out only about 15 minutes after its scheduled departure. Cool, I thought, things are moving along ok. And things did, in fact move along ok...that is...until we hit a town called Chandigarh, not sure about the spelling on that. But that's when traffic hit a brick wall, we honestly didn't move more than 5 feet in almost an was mind numbing. But just like I alluded too, Air India was just an intro to the patience building exercise that is travel in India.

After we finally cleared the traffic jam, and trying to describe a traffic jam here is like trying to explain why lemmings follow one another over a cliff, you see it happening but it just doesn't make any sense. Anyway, after we cleared the traffic jam, it was straight up into the mountains, and not just any mountains, we're talking the Himalayan mountains...the tallest mountain range in the world. And trust me, it lives up to its reputation. They consider these the "foothills" but I don't see anything "hilly" about these honest to goodness mountains. In fact, Shimla, the town where I'm taking my course is at 7100 feet, so if that's a foothill than the mountains we have back in Virginia are mere anthills.

Although we were about 3 hours late, at least we did manage to make it into Shimla safe and sound, which is saying something considering how our driver was driving a full size Volvo bus on these curvy roads like he was behind the wheel of a Ferrari in a TV commercial.

Stay tuned for more on the interesting town of Shimla and its wicked wildlife...

India Roadsign Quote of the Day:
"Haryana Police: Better late than never"

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Air India

I know I haven't posted in awhile but that's because I've been quite busy gearing up for my trip to India. Which happens to be where this post is being sent from though it was written earlier. As you might imagine finding a way to post whilst abroad can be a challenge. But anyway here we go with part 1. How I came to be in this facinating land.


I actually traveled through Singapore in order to get to New Delhi so thats where this picks up, in the Singpore airport to be exact. Waiting, and waiting, and then waiting a little more, for good ole reliable (cough cough) Air India to finally decide to take off. I actually traveled through Singapore in order to get to New Delhi so thats where this picks up, in the Singpore airport to be exact. Waiting, and waiting, and then waiting a little more, for good ole reliable (cough cough) Air India to finally decide to take off.


We were scheduled to depart Singapore at 4:25 pm which upon arrival at the airport I found out had been bumped to 7:25 pm. Ok...I now have 3 hours to kill in an airport, but fortunately I was not in just any old airport I was in the Singpore airport which is a tourist destination in its own right. So I took advantage of the free internet and foot massage as well as the complimentary meal ticket the airline gave out as a token of goodwill. I walked up to the restaurant to claim my free meal and was asked if I prefered #$%^$ or the *&&#@!...yeah that's about how much of it I understood. The guy took one look at my blank face and was like "is this your first time to India?" uh yeah and I got a ton to learn about this food unless I wanna eat nothing but chicken curry for a month.


The gentleman helped me to select the utthabam (hope I spelt that right) bread meal with a tomato sauce and a coconut based sauce to dip it in and some lentil soup, ok, not so bad, I'm feeling all Indian and I haven't even left Singapore yet.


Then on to gate C16 as it says right here on my boarding pass. But, after walking allll the way down the looong C corridor I arrive at an empty gate. Whoa cool, I'm the only one going to India today...wait a minute, there's a sign saying gate changed to D41. Huh!? Lets just say if C16 were good ole Richmond Virginia then they were asking me to walk to Richmond California, in like 10 minutes.


So I haul ass to the waiting area where they do the security screening and took my shaving gel?? Mind you it had made it through like 3 airports already but whatever. In the waiting room area at the gate is where things get fun and I learn a few cultural tidbits. First of all an Indians idea of personal space and my idea of it are quite different.  They seem quite happy to bunch all up at the gate door, so much so that the lady at the gate was like "you know there's plenty of room over there, like where that white guy is sitting". They seemed to take a quick glance and decided, nope there was just too much space between them and the coveted gate.


The other thing that strikes me is how they all decided to completly disregard the stated directions. The lady comes on the loud speaker and clearly states that they will be boarding rows 18 through 32, in fact she says this a few times. So the entire waiting room jumps up and forms this massive chaotic line leaving yours truly as the only one still seated. Yippe! This must mean that I'm the only one in rows 1 through 18! Wow, I'm going to have SO much room, 18 rows all to myself, what luck. I hope all 250 of you aren't too crowded back there in those 14 little rows.


Now I must acknowlege here that it's becoming quite clear that I am the ONLY white dude...check that, I'm pretty sure I'm the only non-Indian on this flight and I am feelin my minority status big time.


Well somehow or other everyone manages to get on the plane but because I followed directions there's nowhere for me to stow my luggage so its between the legs for 5 and a half hours I guess. But as I'm walking to my seat in ROW 8 after everyone else in rows 1-32...grumble grumble... I notice a few things that cause some consternation on my part. Let's just say that well...any plane that still has a working ashtray has probably been around for awhile...hmm...didn't they ban smoking on airlines in the 70's?


Apparently you do not have to worry about being late for an Air India flight.Good news if you're the ONE late person, bad news if you're the ENTIRE REST OF THE PLANE. We were supposed to leave at 7:25pm right...we left at 8pm "because we're waiting for another passenger". Ai had better be Mahatma Ghandi himself to keep us waiting that long.


After reaching our cruising altitude I was treated to my first Bollywood movie.Which I have to say I was pretty impressed with, I can see why this stuff is becoming so popular the world over. It was a funny little flick about 4 mental patients called Krazzy 4. Granted it might not have been so politically correct in the West but we get uptight about that kind of thing too much anyways if you ask me. I dunno if you'd call it a comedy or a musical though cuz every now and then they'd suddenly burst into song and dance routines which were unexpected but quite catchy.


Eventually the steward came around asking if I'd like a drink, he suggested a whiskey...well shoot, if you're buyin I say, why not. So he asks "how many do you want, 3, 4?" and I'm thinking wow, this guy wants to get me drunk so I say "I think two should be sufficent". It wasn't until the end of the flight as I was slipping into a dehydrated coma that I realized why he asked how many I wanted...cuz that's the ONLY time you will see his ass, so you'd better get while the gettins good.


Finally our trusty old plane landed in New midnight (it was supposed to be there at 7pm).  Ah well...little did I know that this was only going to be the beginning of the patience building exercise that is traveling in India. But stay tuned for more on that later...


Air India Quote of the Day:


"Would all passengers seated in rows 18 through 32 please board the plane at this time, that's rows 18 through 32! If you are not seated in rows 18 through 32 please remain seated and wait to board the aircraft until we call your row...Thank you for your cooperation."


Saturday, May 17, 2008

Cold Showers

Ok, while I haven't gone quite as far as Ed suggested we should in terms of modifying our lifestyle (I am still using toilet paper..i found the banana leaf lacked the necessary amount of absorbancy) but we have turned off the water heater. Which, of course means cold showers but hey, its the tropics and its like 90 degrees everyday so obviously it hasn't been as bad as I originally thought. I find a nice cold shower in the morning, and relatively speaking it is pretty cold in the morning, is more effective at waking me up than any cup of coffee could be.

But as the power rates continue their moon bound trend it seems that this will be more of the norm for most folks...I seem to remember bradinthesand posting something recently about his "No Hot Water or Air Con Month" idea. So in a show of solidarity to all the cold shower people on Saipan and around the world...and in an effort to keep with the idea that its better to laugh at the hard times than cry about them, I offer you this quite humorous and VERY true look at men and women in the shower.

· Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
· Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
· Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
· Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, longloofah, wide loofahand pumice stone.
· Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
· Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
· Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
· Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
· Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
· Rinse conditioner off hair.
· Shave armpits and legs.
· Turn off shower.
· Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
· Spray mold spots with Tilex.
· Get out of shower.
· Dry with towel the size of a small country.
· Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..
· Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

· Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
· Walk naked to the bathroom.
· If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
· Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
· Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
· Get in the shower.
· Wash your face.
· Wash your armpits.
· Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
· Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
· Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
· Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
· Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
· Pee.
· Rinse off and get out of shower.
· Partially dry off.
· Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
· Admire wiener size in mirror again..
· Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
· Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
· Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great cold shower! Oh,and....woowoo!!!

The Wow That One Really Came Back to Bite Me Quote of the Day:

CUC Executive Director Antonio Muna, “The new rates might come as a shock for the residential customers, but the only solution to it for now is some modification to their lifestyle.”

Friday, May 9, 2008


Recently I received a comment from an anonymous poster who was, shall we say, less than thrilled with my HaoHao Haole posting, which I can't say I'm overly surprised at, I thought it was possible it could raise some hackles. Although I figured with my regular minuscule pool of readers it wouldn't be that big of a deal. That is of course, until Turbitt went and wrote a post on his blog about it and posted a link, suddenly traffic to my little parody doubled and with that added exposure came the slightly angry post to which I am alluding.
anonymous said...
Bryan, your comments are not very funny at all. At least Greg Cruz is doing something. All the Hao Hao Haoles ever do is hang out in their Hao Hao Haole hangouts and never really get to understand the culture and people from the local perspective. I noticed everyone who has responded to your blog has enjoyed it thus far. It must be nice to part of the "White Elite" of Saipan. But, you know, its ok, Say what you want, act how you act, but dont be surprised when someone walks up to anyone of on the street and knocks you flat on your ass. Not every "Haole" is like you.
So after reading this threatening post I thought to myself now WWGCD? (What Would Greg Cruz Do? and yes handmade bracelets with those letters will be on sale in a store near you soon with proceeds to benefit the Miura defense fund) And of course the answer was obvious, he'd write a response! Though his would probably take the form of a letter to the editor, since I have this neato little blog all set up from whence I can spew my personal propaganda I decided I'd just as well post it here, so here goes:

First off anonymous says "At least Greg Cruz is doing something". Now, let me clarify by saying that I never mentioned the name of Greg Cruz except to say at the end that he was my inspiration for posting the "HaoHao Haole Manifesto". And I guess I don't really see what's wrong with being someone's inspiration.

But second in response to that I'd like to ask "Really?" no I mean...REALLY? What exactly is the guy doing? I mean I see he's writing letters to the editor and stirring up divisiveness and blowing a lot of hot air but what is he DOing? I mean I hear he's unemployed so he's got plenty of time on his hands, at least he could be volunteering with Beautify CNMI and picking up trash and planting trees or something, that's what I call getting your hands dirty and DOing something to help the island. And shoot, for all I know maybe he's done that, but somehow I doubt it cuz I'm sure it would have made the front page of the local papers since their reporters seem to think it's important to report everything this dude does. Tomorrows headline "GC Has 3 Bowel Movements in One Day" full story on page 2.

As for me...what have I been DOing? Well for the past four years I've been working with the CNMI Public School System teaching indigenous children (or NMD's) how to use technology so that they can hopefully, one day, get ahead in this world. I like to focus on how they can use the internet to broaden their horizons and look beyond their small island. But not so that they can forget about it, exactly the opposite, so that they can go out into the virtual world and learn from that vast body of information which is right there at their fingertips. I pray they'll learn from other's mistakes as well as their successes and use that knowledge to make them better more well rounded and educated citizens of this commonwealth. To hopefully encourage this rising generation to respect their elders, culture and heritage but to look beyond some of the old ways and to challenge the status quo that has led us to these desperate and trying times.

Ai adai, I could go on...but once I get up on my soap box there's no tellin where it would end so I'll back slowly away from it now.

Getting back to the comment in question, however, there was one part of it which made me grin at the irony. Anonymous stated "I noticed everyone who has responded to your blog has enjoyed it thus far. It must be nice to [be] part of the "White Elite" of Saipan." Well lets just say that while I can't speak for lil hammerheads ethnicity I am 100% sure that the other three posters before you are all beautiful brown skinned much for the "White Elite".

As to your violent threat "dont be surprised when someone walks up to anyone of on the street and knocks you flat on your ass." Well...I've been here almost 9 years and all I've ever gotten on the street have been wonderful smiles and that tangled local handshake which I'm still trying to work out.

Oh and you're right...not every "Haole" is like me...but they wish they were ;-P

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself Quote of the Day:

"I respect what your organization stands for but there’s the right way and the wrong way of doing things. Taotao Tano is an advocate of the people. The people meaning CNMI and U.S. citizens. There are outsiders with children born here making these children “the people” so act for them, too! Our government did it for the “stateless” and the issue in the media went away."


Thursday, May 1, 2008

Feelin Stimulated Yet?

So, here's the question of the day: What's even more better than making fun of Greg Cruz and being a founding member of Hao Hao Haole? Well I'll tell ya...FREE MONEY! Yeah, that's right good (American) citizens of the CNMI we are included in that "lets give everyone a bunch of free cash so they can go out and blow it on stuff they don't need so we can jump start this crappy economy" idea that George and the Congressettes have been singing about.

Is this really such a good idea? you ask...well shhhhh. Number 1, we're only allowed one question of the day and we've already filled our quota, Number 2, I think there's some saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth or something and Number 3, YEAH this sounds like a stupid idea I mean how is giving everyone 600 bucks gonna suddenly restart an economy as mammoth as ours? I mean granted I'm no economist but there just seems to me that there must be some deeper issues than this "here son here's 600 dollars go buy yourself somethin nice...don't spend it all in one place now...but for the love of your country do go and spend it...all of, now." mentality can fix.

It's like G Dubbya and the other Grand Poobahs were all sittin around in the Oval Office one day brainstormin (scary thought I know) about how to fix the nations economic woes when G Dub leans in and says (in your best George Bush accent) "Now listen here, mkay, I've got an idear...ya see...when ever I piss off one of the twins I just give em some cash and they're happier than a polygamist at a Miley Cyrus concert. So, I reckon if we give everyone in America like 600 bucks or somthin then they'll quit they're bitchin" To which everyone in the room heartily agreed.

Sooo, my fellow Americans here's when you can expect your, I mean,, hush money, wait that has kind of a negative ring to it too...
Ahhh...I've got it, maybe if we give it a sexy name then it will go down easier, cuz everyone knows that sex sells, So here, ladies and gentlemen is the schedule for your Economic Stimulus Act of 2008...meow

And NO, I am not making this chart up, it's directly off of the IRS website, you can check it if you don't believe me.

Top Ten Pieces Of Fatherly Advice From George W. Bush:

(From The Late Show With David Letterman)
"You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one"
"Do as I saying, not as I doing did"
"At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off them"
"You can't go through life getting arrested and making as ass out of yourself...just kidding"
"Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up like Al Gore"
"If you ever get in a jam, call my dad -- it's always worked for me"
"Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says you're a disgrace to this, wait, that's what she said about me"
"Remember the motto of my predecessor: it's only a crime if you get caught"
"Never use a fake ID to buy hooch -- that's what secret service guys are for"
"Keep up the good work, girls -- at this rate you'll be president some day"

Monday, April 21, 2008

HaoHao Haole

So a friend of mine was telling me the other day that he has decided to start a group called HaoHao Haole on island, and well, since its his idea I guess that means he's the, of course there were no elections, but I'm sure all of its members will agree that he should be president. Oh and did I mention that HaoHao Haole represents all the haole's on island. That's right all of the mainlanders in the CNMI will now be represented by the HaoHao Haole group, shoot, you don't even have to be white, see we're not racist, and no...I know you didn't ask for our representation you're just going to get it anyway.

So as the HaoHao Haole spokesperson, that's me, I just appointed myself...see how easy this is...I would like to question the blueness of the sky. That's right those of us on the HaoHao Haole board have decided that the sky over the CNMI has not been blue enough as of late and we feel that this is, of course, the governments fault and that they should look into this situation immediately as it may soon have some adverse effects on our most prized tourist industry.

But please, good haole people of the CNMI, do not think that we the people of the white, have arrived at this conundrum lightly. No, you see, among my many other talents I also happen to be a self appointed expert in sky blueness so I most certainly know what I am talking about when I self-righteously proclaim that God in his infinite wisdom has not made the sky over the CNMI blue enough over the past few weeks. And yes, I do know what a conundundrum is cuz I jus wrote dis myself, der ain't nobody tellin me what 2 rite. ;-)

So...since it's now public knowledge that we, the HaoHao Haole, represent all of the mainlanders on the island, I will be expecting the media to come to me for my most enlightened opinion on anything and everything that is going on anywhere within this good commonwealth. Because as the wise old saying goes "opinions are like haoles they're all assholes and they stink" no...wait...thats not it..."all haoles are opinionated assholes who stink"...hang on, somethings wrong with that one too..."assholes are like a haole's stinking opinion" nope, stilll not it...oh yeah! now I've got it..."opinions are like assholes every haole has one and they all stink"...hmm...that don't look exactly right either...hang on I'll get it....

My Muse and My Inspiration's Quote of the Day:

"Majority of foreigners and human rights advocates in our homeland cried “wolf” and the elephant came."

-Gregorio Cruz Jr.
President TaoTao Tano

Friday, April 18, 2008

Who Could it Be??

Marianas Variety
Friday April 18, 2008

No islandwide blackout

SAIPAN will not suffer an islandwide blackout today, according to the Commonwealth Utilities Corp. which announced yesterday that it had secured 3,500 barrels of fuel.

This fuel supply will last until Friday next week.

“We’re safe,” CUC Executive Director Anthony C. Guerrero said in an interview. "I don’t know who’s spreading all the rumors [about an islandwide blackout] but I don’t think that blackout is an option.”

Uhhhh....let's see...

Marianas Variety

Tuesday April 15, 2008

CUC may run out of fuel on Friday

COMMONWEALTH Utilities Corp. Executive Director Anthony C. Guerrero yesterday said the island may be without power on Friday if CUC can’t buy enough fuel.

According to Guerrero, “We have basically six days supply [of fuel] left.”

Gee Mr. Executive Director, after you track down the culprit behind these vicious rumors maybe you and O.J. should team up to find the "real killer".

The Juice's Quote of the Day:

The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any excuses, that's the day you start to the top.
-O.J. Simpson

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Name That Tune!

...and now back to the silly stuff...

Yeah, you know me, I couldn't stay all downtrodden for too long. Especially not with all the funny stuff out there to keep ya chuckling. A friend sent me this the other day and it was definitely good for a laugh, so of course, I thought why not share with the rest of the world...or at least for the folks who check my blog on a regular basis. So here, for the both of you, is a little something called "Name that Tune!" ...sponsored by Microsoft Office 2007...

Spoken Like A True Alcoholic Quote of the Day:

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

Joe E. Lewis

...and with that, I'm off to Godfathers for happy hour ;-)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I Got Nothin...

Yeah...I got nothin. I mean I'm really trying to keep lighthearted and upbeat but as of late, it just ain't been happening. I think the constant random power outages are finally starting to get to me. My classroom's been powerless for at least a couple hours every day this week. I went to Garapan last night and the whole town was just dark...and hot, it was kinda sad. Add that to the fact that I just got back from a fantastic vacation in Bali AND the recent news that we PSS teachers may be "furloughed" for the month of August, there's just not a whole lot round here to celebrate. I looked up the word "furlough" in the dictionary and the synonyms were: lay off, unpaid leave, and unemployment...see why I'm having trouble smiling?

There was one bright spot I found today, which actually was what instigated me to write this post. I came across, what I considered, an exceptional quote of the day today and thought to my self "self, you have got to share this quote on your blog" and so I am.

Hold Your Head Up Things Are Bound to Get Better, Optimistic Quote of the Day:
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Tit for Tat

Here's a juicy little tidbit fresh off the Saipan rumor mill. You know that Japanese businessman/tour operator who was arrested for raping a tourist last week...well apparently the poor sap is innocent and this is just the latest battle in a long running feud between this fella and some other Japanese businessman/real estate tycoon who was, shall we say, a tad miffed, over a certain business deal.

Apparently, and this is mostly hearsay, but it's gotta be at least somewhat true cuz hey, you just can't make this stuff up, but apparently to tell the whole story you gotta back the truck up to about a year ago when Japanese real estate tycoon dude showed up on Saipan and employed the services of Japanese tour operator dude (since you don’t tell names and tales too we’ll just identify them as thus for now).

Evidently real estate tycoon dude made a reservation with tour agency dude for a high dollar straight pimpin penthouse crib at the Nikko for something like six months. Well as you can imagine when it came time for the bill it was somewhere in the 100’s of thousands of dollars…but apparently real estate tycoon dude doesn’t have as good an imagination as my loyal readers so he was somewhat peeved at having run up such an astronomical tab and felt he had been overcharged.

So, doing what any respectable 44-year-old Japanese businessman/real estate tycoon dude would do…he and his supposedly yakuza connected Japanese business partner dude took tour operator dude out to a strip club to drink excessively, touch boobies and, oh yeah, of course, talk business.

Well after a while of this they apparently decided that a strip club was not a very conducive environment for discussing serious business and elected to head to Suicide Cliff, a spot we would all agree is much better suited for such transactions. (???) Upon arrival, surprise, surprise, they proceeded to beat the stink out of tour operator dude with a baseball bat, demanding that he either A.) pay them $250,000 or B.) jump off the cliff (ahh…decisions, decisions).

Lucky for tour operator dude however, a randy Korean tour operator dude and his “friend” decided to show up at the cliffs for some 3am “stargazing” (yeah right, I think you can read between the lines there) and scared off the real estate tycoon and yakuza dude. They graciously took the tour operator to the hospital where a CHC nurse informed police of the beating.

Needless to say, business tycoon guy was arrested and while the criminal charges seem like they won’t really amount to much…enter opportunistic bloodsucking lawyer who informs our now black and blue tour operator that he can sue real estate tycoon for some of those big tycoon dollars, or yen…as the case may be. And tour operator dude who apparently doesn’t know when to take a hint and just leave things be decides that this is a great idea and proceeds with civil litigation.

Well obviously no rich businessman is going to take an assault on his money laying down…but he knew someone who would…enter opportunistic slut-for-hire. This is where it really gets salacious…

According to rumor, Japanese real estate tycoon dude hired a woman and her friend to come here from Japan as innocent tourists through the tour company of, who else, but our hapless, though somewhat dim-witted Japanese tour operator dude. This woman and her friend then proceeded to have a big night out on the town with Mr. Gullible…er I mean…tour operator dude and conspired to seduce him (a tough job I’m sure) and lead him to “know” her in a Biblical sense of the word like as Adam knew Eve.

Sooo…you can imagine our dense tour operators surprise when he was arrested a while later on charges of sexual assault and rape. In the words of the immortal Homer Simpson…Doh!

So here’s how things stand as of press time for this blog…Japanese tour operator dude had finally gotten bail reduced from $60,000 to $6,000 and after a few days of sitting in the pokey was finally able to get out, whilst real estate tycoon dude waits for his day in court on both the criminal and civil charges for the beating.

What happens next in this uniquely Saipan epic is anyone’s guess…

Ah-ha Moment of the Day:

Ok now go back and read the title of this post.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Web Hit Whore

In taking a page from Angelo's book I've decided to become a "Hit Whore", if you will, and see how many visits I can get by blogging about something salacious. And what could be more outrageous than the current scandal surrounding the former governor of New York and his expensive "visits" with high end call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupré.

Actually what got me interested in this besides my shameless curiosity, was that I heard that this girl was an aspiring musical artist and that she had a song out on a radio station in New York City as a result of all the attention she had been getting. So I thought it'd be interesting to hear the song and of course since I had that interest I figgered there'd be some others out there who would like to hear what kind of music a high dollar hooker can produce. So, here freshly ripped from her myspace page is Ashley Alexandra Dupré's hit song.

Yeah, so I dunno if you bothered to listen to the whole thing or not I mean honestly it's not really all that catchy so I don't really see this thing going anywhere. In fact, according to the song has been pulled from rotation on Z100 in NYC after only a couple of days.

Ashley Alexandra Dupré (born Ashley Youmans), the alleged call girl known as "Kristen" at the center of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitution scandal, appeared to hit it big yesterday, when her song "What We Want" was added to Z100's playlist.

"Z100 is all about playing what's hot, and we can't think of anything hotter than a song from the woman at the center of the scandal that took down the governor of New York," Tom Poleman, senior vice president of programming at the New Jersey-based radio station, said in a statement released Thursday. "On top of that, it's not a bad song. Looks like she may have a new career; this time in music."

But just as fast as Spitzer vacated his post, Dupré's song has now been reeled in at Z100. As of Friday afternoon, the track — a pulsating dance number that sounds like it was scraped from the cutting-room floor of a J. Lo recording session — was being playing sparingly on Z100, but not nearly with as much regularity as it had the day before.

Ah well...thank God for looks huh. Speaking of which, when I first saw her picture I thought she bore a striking resemblance to Sandra Bullock, don't ya think?

So...this is what it's like to join in on a media frenzy. Now lets see what it does for my hit traffic...hmm...somehow I now feel kinda dirty.

Letterman's Top Ten of the Day:

Top Ten Surprises During Eliot Spitzer's Resignation
  1. Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
  2. Opening line: "Are you a cop?"
  3. Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone
  4. Reaffirmed his policy of "Bro's before Ho's"
  5. His decision not to wear pants
  6. Admitted he also once made out with former Governor Pataki
  7. Credited downfall to fast-paced lifestyle of Albany
  8. He was kinda pitchy, dawg
  9. Said he thought the Emperor's Club was a Chinese restaurant
  10. When reporters asked how much he paid per hour, his wife said, "Believe me, he doesn't need an hour"

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

We're in the No Smoking Section...for now

Like a chain smoker in a family restaurant our fuming neighbor to the north continues to spew forth its debris. And depending on the omniscient forces of the winds we either suffer in its cloud or breathe easy under clear skies. Fortunately the prevailing breezes have been on our side for the past week or so and we have remained blissfully unaware of the maelstrom to our north.

NASA however, did take notice of our resident volcano and even went so far as to photograph it from space and do a little write up about it. Perhaps this picture will help to clarify what I was talking about in my Saipan Stinks post regarding the odoriferous volcanic haze.

Image Acquired: March 05, 2008
Activity on Anatahan
On March 5, 2008, the plume from the Anatahan Volcano appeared to intensify. The Moderate Resolution Imaging Spectroradiometer (MODIS) on NASA’s Terra satellite took this picture the same day. One day earlier, the plume blew away from the volcano toward the northeast. On March 5, the plume hovered over the volcano’s summit, thick enough to completely hide the volcanic island from view. The plume’s position in this image could result from a wind shift, or a burst of volcanic activity shortly before the satellite passed overhead.

If you click on the picture it will take you to a MUCH larger version which shows a surprising amount of detail. I was also impressed with how clearly our beautiful turquoise lagoon shows up from space.

Random One-Liner of the Day:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Kat!??

Sit down, buckle your seatbelt and hold on to your fairydust tinkerbell cuz I don't do it very often but I'm about to go on a rant...

So apparently 97.9 The Rock will now be known as 97.9 The Kat, I mean I can't say I didn't see it coming since they had basically already changed the format a month or so ago when I completely quit listening but "The Kat"!? Hmm...I guess they needed a lameass name to go with their new lameass format. Well, I'll offer them a big congratulations on suck-ceding in that. I dunno...maybe I'm all alone here but a radio station on this little island that plays nothing but music from the 50's 60's and 70's?? Is that really what the majority of people want to hear around here?

I'll admit The Rock was pretty much my default station on my car radio and while it wasn't as good as some of the satellite stations which I can get at home over the internet, it was at least decent some of the time. I think they even had a liner one time which said something like "You're listening to the Rock 97.9...we suck less", which I thought was pretty dead on. But, it would seem that Sorenson in it's great wisdom decided not only to let Daddy Long Legs and his brother get away (boneheaded mistake #1) but it then decided to change the format of a station which, with a little work, could have been pulling in a decent audience.

Both of my dedicated readers will remember that in one of my previous posts I revealed that I am a child of the late 80's/early 90's so it should not come as too much of a surprise that I would MUCH prefer to hear rock from (in your best announcer voice) "the 80's, 90's and today". And while I got nothing but love for the "classic" rock, I mean groups like CCR, The Beatles, Doors, Hendrix, and Lynard are timeless and they certainly have their place. But these d00ds over at The I mean Kat are purr-ferring to play Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and other random B-side crap from that era that certainly no one from my generation has ever heard of...or really wants to hear, period. But then again...maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, in the Variety article today the management "conducted a survey on Guam and learned that most of the respondents prefer a classic rock format which is also popular among the listeners in the U.S." Gee ain't that just peachy...I guess that means we over here in SAIPAN get stuck with whatever the majority of folks want in anyone else feeling me here or am I being to SUBTLE?

Well, so as not to be misunderstood on exactly what I think of the new format of 97.9 I've spent some of my valuable time coming up with some alternative names and liners for our new feline themed radio station.

"You're listening to 97.9 The Anal Vacuum, cuz we suck a$$!"

“Keep it tuned here to 97.9 The AM Radio, cuz that's where we belong"

"We are 97.9 The Adult Diaper cuz we're designed for the elderly and we're full of S%*t”

Does anyone else out there have any suggestions for Saipan's latest greatest reincarnation? If so then please feel free to share them with the rest of us in the comments section. I can't wait to see what yall come up with.

When Ipod Tried to Kill the Radio Star

Sucking Quote of the Day:

“The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly' meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks' meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.”

-Larry Hardiman

“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.”

-Jack Handy

Friday, February 29, 2008

Guamania...(a repost)

First of all let me say a big SORRY to everyone out there who so anxiously wanted to see the Steven Colbert clip from my Mmm...Chamorro post but was unable to. So in an attempt to remedy that little snafu I've uploaded the clip to YouTube and have posted it here for all of your viewing pleasure. Bon Apetit..

I dunno what the deal is but YouTube seems to be a lot more reliable in delivering on demand video than the Blogger in house system, which seems weird cuz they're both owned and operated by Google!? Ah well..."Whatever" :-P

Sorry dudes and dudettes...I just got an email from YouTube saying that they had to pull this clip because of "a third-party notification by Viacom International Inc. (corporate assholes) claiming that this material is infringing" to which I reply WHAT-THE-F**K-EVER!

Another Random One Liner of the Day:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Happy Bissextile Day!

Bet ya that title caught your attention didn't it?...ya pervs... Well, sorry to be the salacious buzz killer but unfortunately Bissextile has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences, in fact it has nothing to do with sex at, now that I've probably lost over three quarters of my audience I'll continue.

Bissextile is actually the official name of the leap day we add every four years to keep our calendar in sync. Hence my title "Happy Bissextile Day", it just sounded so much more intriguing than "Happy Leap Day".

The MacMillan Dictionary actually breaks it down like this:

bissextile adjective
referring to a leap year
bissextile noun [C]
a leap year
bissext (also bissextus) noun [C]
February 29th, the extra day in a leap year

Incidentally... Bissext is also often referred to as "Ladies Day." This is because of the old tradition that women are allowed to propose marriage to men not only on Leap Year Day (2/29) but throughout the entire Leap Year. This tradition can be traced back to an old Irish legend concerning St. Patrick and St. Bridget in the 5th Century.

Bridget complained that her nuns were upset because they never had a chance to propose marriage. (Note: At this time, the celibacy rule in religious orders was based on personal private vows and not a requirement by the church.) So, Patrick suggested that the women be given this privilege every 7 years. This wasn't good enough for Bridget. She said it should be every 4 years! So, Patrick compromised and obliged the women by saying that they could have Leap Year. Patrick felt this showed just how passive women were expected to be in those days. Much to his surprise, Bridget then proposed to him! Patrick declined her proposal. Instead he promised to give her a silk gown and a kiss.

So... in the British Isles during the Middle Ages there was an unwritten law that stated every single man who turned down a woman's proposal during Leap Year had to compensate her with a kiss plus either a silk gown or a pair of gloves.

All of which begs the question, Why doesn't a woman have to compensate a man when she flat rejects him!?

Another weird term associated with this unusual day is the noun "leapling", used to refer to a person born on February 29th. They even have their own website (of course who doesn't these days) found at bad would it suck to be born on February 29th? I mean, not only would you only have a birthday every four years, but you could also be referred to as a Bissextile Leapling. I reckon if your folks weren't married when you popped out you'd be a Bissextile Leapling Bastard.

As if you haven't been force fed enough useless bissextile trivia for one day...(ah well it only happens once every four years so deal with it) but funny enough I found out that rapper Ja Rule is a Bissextile Leapling. I'm unsure as to his parents matrimonial status at the time of his birth so it looks like I'll have to leave off that last bit.

By the way...if you're out tonight and you bump into someone who seems to be going at it just a little harder than the rest of the crowd, it's probably a Leapling. Apparently their motto is "Party like it happens only once every four years!"

So hold on to yer butts Saipan cuz it's shaping up to be a crazy bissextile night. The volcanic haze is back with a vengence, there's a Navy ship in, the Leaplings will be out in force and there's live reggae at the Hard Rock.

Whoa...I just had a scary thought, what if there's a leapling among the sailors?? If there is then I can already see tomorrow's headline "Leapling Sailor Parties Himself Into Coma". I mean think about only get to celebrate your birthday once every four years and you've been cooped up on some ship for like 6 months...yikes.

Random One Liner of the Day:

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Friday, February 22, 2008


Y'all might remember about a year ago when there was a little bit of talk going around about the Congresswoman from Guam, Madeline Bordallo, appearing on the Colbert Report. Well, seeing as our television schedule with the consumer friendly monopoly KMCV is so assbackwards I was able to hear all about the program and then sit down and actually watch it a week later, and let me just say folks...I cried.

I mean seriously...I was laughing so hard there were tears of sheer laughter running down my face. It has to be one of the best Colbert reports that ole Steven has ever done, you could tell he was just "on" as he was interviewing her. So here in a "Whatever" blog exclusive (seriously you can't find this anywhere else) I proudly present to you the Colbert report on Guamania.

The other thing that cracks me up about this is that, being someone who's lived out here for some time now, I've had many similar conversations with people that went something like this when talking about where I lived. Whether it be on the plane, at family gatherings or when trying to rent a car with my homemade looking drivers license...the look of "'re part of the States!?" appears without fail.

But the reality is that the average American Joe on the street has no IDEA where or who we are out here, as can be evidenced by Colbert's comment that there are 4 "protectorates". I'm assuming those would be Guam, American Samoa, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Apparently the CNMI didn't make the list. But you know what...all things considered I'm totally cool with that cuz I love telling people about Saipan. I sat next to a guy on a flight back in October when I went home for a week and he just seemed so intrigued to learn about our island, we must have talked about the CNMI for the whole four hour flight from Richmond to Minneapolis. And towards the end of the trip when I asked him about what it was like in his home state of South Dakota all he could say was "well it's not near as interesting as Siam".

So yeah, granted, we still got some PR to do but, for me at least, its a labor of love. :-)

Pacific Island Jokes of the Day:

A Chamorro man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Chamorro man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Chamorro man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen here par - when I was born, I was BROWN,"
When I grew up, I was BROWN,
When I'm sick, I'm BROWN,
When I'm cold, I'm BROWN,
When I die, I'll be BROWN."
But lania brat, you are something different...
"When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow up, you're WHITE,
When you're sick, you're GREEN,
When you go in the sun, you turn RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
And when you die, you turn PURPLE."

Two Chamorro women are walking down the street. One notices A compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second says, "Here, let me see!" So the first one hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!""

" A Chuukese, A Yapese and a Pohnpeian were in a car. Who was driving????
Answer: A DPS Officer.. "

Ok, you gotta admit these are funny but if you are offended please don't be mad at me I didn't write them so send your hate mail here

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Saipan Stinks!

NOOO...don't worry, I'm not trying to start Saipan bashing like whoever that guy is over at the Saipan sucks website. I'm actually being quite literal, for the past couple of days Saipan has truly stunk and anyone who lives here will wholeheartedly agree with me on this. It smells like a 75-year-old man's ass who eats nothing but eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Saipan Tribune referred to it in today's paper as "The characteristic smell of sulfur-like rotting eggs and an open sewer." Nice one Ferdie!

Ok, I'll stop being so cryptic, the real reason Saipan smells so bad at the moment is because we have a volcano about 75 miles to the north of us, called Anatahan, which apparently has eaten some bad Mexican food. It's been spewing forth a noxious combination of gases which, thanks to the recently prevailing winds, have been flowing right over our lovely little slice of paradise.
(oops...sorry Angelo, I forgot I'm supposed to be doing my part for tourism...
..don't reckon this is helping much...)

Here's a picture of the "volcanic haze" which has been stinking up the place.
I totally stole this off of the Saipan Tribune website...nice shot though Jackie, I love the sign!

But, in an attempt to see the glass as half full, there are some silver linings to this gray cloud of stench. For one, you can now feel free to fart with impunity. Or at least you no longer have to worry about blaming it on the cat. I mean think about it, if the whole place smells like one big air biscuit then who's going to notice if you just let a little butt burp off the leash? That is, of course, assuming you're skillful enough to keep the noise level down.

The other bright side to this revolves around this whole argument of geological validation which I was trying to explain to my wife. She, like most women, has what seems to me an almost aberrant phobia of flatulence. And the point I was trying to make, while out on our balcony engulfed in it's perfume, was that if even mother Earth gets gas which she must expel from time to time then its only natural that we humans should feel free to do so as well.

I don't think she bought it...although I do think she believes that truly was the volcano which just blew through here a second ago...sweet...

Fun Fart Facts of the Day:

(Oh you just knew I was gonna do something like this)

What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

(and you thought I was gonna post something sweet for Valentines Day didn't you? Well...SIKE!)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

You Grew Up In The Late 80's/Early 90's If...

Ahhh...the good ole days, when our War's were Cold and our Wheels were Hot. When all you had to worry about was building forts by the creek and making sure you didn't get hit in the eye with a BB pellet. (reminiscent sigh) Man how I miss those days. So, in order to pay homage to those simpler times I present to you some highlights from a selection entitled "You Know You Grew Up in the Late 80's/Early 90's If..."

You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

You know the profound meaning of " WAX ON , WAX OFF"

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You ever wore fluorescent clothing.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

Ahh...The silly things we did before the enlightenment age of the IPod.

(Is it just me or is this guy wearing a Daniel Boone style coon-skin hat with his jump suit?)

You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

You just sang those words to yourself.

You had a pair of stone washed "cargo'' jeans...I dunno if they were really called that but I had a pair that I LOVED, lol.

You remember "Where's the Beef?"

You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You're still singing shot through the heart in your head

80's Joke of the Day:

Q: Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation?
A: John Cougar's Melon Camp

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A: Michael Jackson was burned using Pepsi and Richard Pryor was burned using Coke.