Friday, June 20, 2008

The Attack of the Pooping Monkeys

At about 5:30 one morning I woke up to what sounded like someone walking outside my door, this was then followed by a low growling sound, like a small dog would make. As I slowly rise up in the bed, obviously somewhat alarmed, I hear what sounds like someone's hand on the door lever, so at first I just thought it was the guy bringing tea and since he had just walked on in once before I thought maybe he was going to forego the whole knocking thing and just enter.

Well at that point the door handle did in fact turn all the way and the door swung open about 4 inches or so and was followed by that shall we say disconcerting growling sound again. Now I'm in full freak out mode as I'm realizing that there is something definately non-human out there and 1. it had just managed to open my door...surprising and 2. it did NOT sound friendly.

Now the adrenaline is really pumping as I jump from the bed clothed only in my boxers and slam the door shut. This is followed by more growling and scrabbling at the door and the freakiest thing is I can feel this creature trying to turn the handle. Well my mind is racing trying to wake up and figure out what the hell is going on, I mean I'm thinking this is just a dog but dogs don't turn handles!?

At this point I'm looking out the window trying to get a glimpse of whatever it is that is trying to get itself into my room but I can't see anything. I check the door peephole but there's nothing. Then I slowly turn to the window on the other wall as I am on the room at the end and as I press my face up to the glass for a better angle, suddenly this furry face appears in the window astonishingly close causing me to simultaneously wet myself and scream like a girl.

Suddenly the mind kicks in, they're monkeys and there must be at least a half dozen of them as I hear them running past the windows and there's still one trying the door. "What do they want?" I wonder as I finally figure out how to lock the door and I race to make sure the windows are secured. As I get to one window I see a rather large monkey sitting on the ledge and I scream "Go Away" and he jumps up and scratches at the window.

Ok, that's it! Now I've gone from scared outta my mind to pissed off mode and I'm looking for a little payback. That's when I notice a lighter sitting on the table. Ah Ha! That's it! What separates man from animals...Fire! So I grab my little aresol can of body spray and think I'll make a homemade flame thrower like we used to do when we were kids and I'll show this little apeass punk who's at the top of the so called evolutionary ladder.

Armed with the lighter in one hand and the body spray in the other I do a little one, two, three countdown and throw the door open screaming like Rambo with an AK-47 under each arm.

Its here I realize that chemical companies have come a long way in the 20 years since I was a kid in making comsumer products safer and keeping stupid children from blowing themselves up. Sooo...instead of toasting thier primate asses with an impressive ball of flame all I ended up doing was deoderizing the little bastards. Fortunatly they didn't seem to appreciate the sex appeal of Tag body spray and they scattered.

They did, however, leave me a little present, as you can see from the picture I took after I was sure the coast was clear. It would appear that all they wanted was some toilet paper so they could wipe their little monkey butts after having a little monkey poo. Somehow things just sound funnier when you say "monkey" in front of them.

India Roadsign Quote of the Day:

"Whiskey is Risky, Drink and Drive Carefully"


Saipan Kat said...

They just wanted to party with, give 'em a little love.

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And you went to India for a class, why? We have computers here, plus if the mini-skirt wasn't designed for Mongolian women, it sure as hell fits well (no dots on the forehead either, although I will admit the traffic here is crazier than anywhere I can imagine)

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