First lets begin with one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world...the Internet:
"I see ads saying that I can 'GET PAID to Surf the Web !'. Let's see... I'm at work checking out my favorite porn sites right now. Hey, I'm already getting paid to surf the web !"
"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."
"I had to google 'jfgi' to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming." <-- go ahead you know you want to.
"I get mail, therefore I am."
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."
Now on to the obligatory Microsoft Bashing:
"Microsoft Works." — Oxymoron
"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."
"Saying your OS is the best in the world 'cause more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world."
"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."
Would you invest in that company? See if you can spot Bill Gates. hint- he's the only one who looks like he hasn't gone through puberty yet. Bet you didn't know that after filming "Saturday Night Fever" John Travolta did a stint with Microsoft."If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft."
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
"Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off?"
"What does the Start button do — isn't the computer already running?"
What page full of techie humor would be complete without a little User Bashing (it might be funny if it wasn't so doggone true):
Password: i dont have one
password is incorrect
Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"
User: I can't see your computer.
Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
User: What's your computer doing on mine?
"Back up my hard disk ? I can't find the reverse switch !"
"If it's there and you can see it — it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it — it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it — it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it — you erased it !"
"'INSERT DISK THREE' ? But I can only get two in the drive !"
"We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0."
"Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface."
"If you're having trouble sounding condescendent, get your computer support technician to show you how."
And finally a segment entitled "Remember When" and if you do then you're older than me cuz I really don't so much...but for all you old folks here ya go:
"Remember when...? A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show. A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was the cousin of a goat... Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was your middle finger upright. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped that nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile. Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead !"
My Favorite Computer Code Quote of the Day:
"1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15, y0u r34||y n33d 70 637 |41d."