The Adventures of a Thristy Man in Tokyo

One morning in Tokyo I awoke with a severe case of the cottonmouth (probably from one too many Asahi’s the night prior) and decided that I needed to find myself something refreshing to drink like pronto. So out into the bustling city streets I ventured determined to slay my thirst, and fast.

The closest promise of relief was a nearby vending machine to which I dashed eager to soothe my arid throat, only to have my hopes shattered by a vending machine full of a drink called Calpis. “Calpis?” I said aloud. Somehow, even in my dehydrated state, a dairy based drink by the name of Calpis just wasn’t going to happen.

Next it was on to plan B, the quaint little café on the corner. I walked straight in and went promptly to the section of the overhead menu which said “Soft Drink”.

Even though the English was a tad off, my body figured out pretty quickly what “Alcools” was and my head, tongue and stomach shouted “don’t you dare!” in unison. Ok, on to the soft drinks then, lets see Cola…nah…Ginger Ale…maybe…Milk,…wha? When did milk become a soft drink and who drinks it either hot or with ice? Ah well, either way that was not near as startling as the next choice…Flesh Juice…ok, now I’m not thirsty anymore I’m just scared. Hey, why’s everyone looking at the gaijin (Japanese for foreigner) so strange? Ok, I’m outta here.

As I beat a hasty retreat from Gruesome Café what to my wondering eyes should appear but the familiar orange and green bars of your friendly neighborhood 7-11, ahh…home. Those feelings of being back where I belong quickly faded however as I strolled to the back of the store and laid eyes on a drink called Pocari Sweat. Hmm, a drink called sweat, oh well I’m desperate now, I just hope it tastes better than it sounds.

Gee, I am still pretty thirsty, well since I am counting my calories and all I suppose I’d better try one of these new Diet waters, after all it does promise half the calories but all that great water taste you’ve come to know and love.

Whew, finally, I was able to stave off a slow agonizing death by dehydration…now I gotta pee…but where oh where will I ever find a toilet?

Ok, now I just feel like I’m chasing my tail. Man, all this running in circles has made me famished, I need to get something to eat….but no, that’s a story for another day.

Japanese Bread Wrapper Quote of the Day:

"Take me home, let's make happy in your basket!"

That is SO Stereotypical

A friend sent me these pictures in one of those funny “forward” type of emails and they were good for a laugh. But then upon closer inspection I found what made them even funnier was the realization that they confirmed some of my deepest held stereotypical beliefs. I mean come on we all know that..

1. A New Yorker (or any Yankee for that matter) will NEVER let someone go in front of them.

Anyone who has ever driven north of the Mason Dixon knows what I’m talking about here. I just laugh and say it serves ‘em right. When I saw the top picture I immediately thought “this has got to be somewhere in New York”, then upon scrolling down and seeing the license plate my suspicions were verified and the stereotype proven.

2. All women from Virginia, especially the more mountainous regions (Roanoke), are barefoot and pregnant with their 6th child chain smokers. Except for my mom and my sister of course…wait…check that, except for my sister.

The rest of the story probably went something like this…(and I should know I grew up in VA)

Williamson noted that she’s truly concerned about the racket because for some undiagnosed reason all 6 of her previous children have suffered from one type of learning disorder or another. “Yeah, fer sum reason all them earlier ones is kinda retarded” Williamson observed, “I’m really scairt that this one’s gunna suffer cus of all that jackhammerin goin on at all hours of the day.” However she went on to admit “The doctor says its cus three of em are from my brother an the other two are from a cuzin.” “Haha” she wheezed, “I think he’s full of bull hockey but if he’s right then it’s lucky fer this one I’m not related to the mailman.”

3. You should never, ever fly on a discount Chinese airline.

Cheap Chinese food = Good thing :-)

Cheap Chinese airline = Bad thing :-(

Speaking of cheap Chinese food, scroll down if you’ve ever wondered how they’re able to keep it so cheap

4. Blondes are a tad slower than the rest of us.

“What keeps poking me in the eye?....and why do you look so small?”

Quote of the Day:

"Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person the trouble of learning"

-Unknown

Holy Crab Cakes Batman!

This has got to be one of the biggest coconut crabs (or ayuyu in Chamorro) like ever ever. I've seen a few, some which I thought were pretty big but this is truly amazing.

My wife was sent this picture from her friend Jessica who said in an email along with the photo that she received it from the Brown Treesnake Control Project leader of the Guam Dept of Agriculture. It was apparently caught in northern Guam, right outside the Anderson Air Force Base cliff side of Yigo village.

Now, I know all the local's mouth's are watering at the sight of such a feast but unfortunately I've never been able to partake of the succulent coconut crab, I've only been able to listen with envy to the tales of how luscious it's meat is to consume.


However, the story that coconut crabs eat nothing but coconut, hence the name and the tasty meat, is more of a myth. According to my online research they're not near as picky an eater as I had once been lead to believe.

The diet of coconut crabs consists primarily of fruit, including coconuts and figs. However, they will eat nearly anything organic, including leaves, rotten fruit, tortoise eggs, dead animals, and the shells of other animals, which are believed to provide calcium. They may also eat live animals that are too slow to escape, such as freshly hatched sea turtles. During a tagging experiment, one coconut crab was observed catching and eating a Polynesian rat.

Now that, I would have liked to have seen, not only did that coconut crab eat a rat but he ate one of those ones with the little grass skirt and a coconut bra.

Another interesting point was that apparently they don't stop growing, and it's estimated that they live to be between 30-60 years old. Based on this size of this sucker I'd say he's pushing 80. Oh here's a weird thought, it's possible that this old timer was around during the invasion of Guam back during WWII.

And just when we thought that Guam had gone and beaten us out again, this time being able to lay claim to the biggest ayuyu like ever ever, along comes this picture of these two guys fighting off an even larger specimen down at Forbidden Island.


Crustacean Joke of the Day:

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

That's One Sexy Green Pepper!

(Oh yeah, turn on your speakers if you haven't yet)

I know it’s hard to believe but it all started when I was actually cooking dinner on Monday. I was cutting up an innocent green pepper when I glanced down at the cutting board and saw this curvaceous and disturbingly erotic piece looking back at me. Now, I’ll admit that it doesn’t compare with Kelli’s new rack but still you must concede that that’s one sexy green pepper!

I swear I did NOT cut it like that on purpose…I honestly just looked down and there she was. I don’t think that I’ll ever look at vegetables the same again.

On A Related Topic…

As though I needed any more proof that vegetarians were weird along comes this story from The Press out of New Zealand. The article talks about a new sexual phenomenon called Vegansexuality.

Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals...

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses...

What, "I've got a headache" doesn't work anymore? This just sounds like another way to turn a guy down. "I mean I really think you're cute and all but, well, you eat meat so I'm going to have to say no...this doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

Christchurch vegan Nichola Kriek has been married to her vegan husband, Hans, for nine years. She would not describe herself as vegansexual, but said it would definitely be a preference... "When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," she said.

What the…are you serious...well if I’m a graveyard for animals what does that make her, a compost heap? I mean come on, I’m pretty sure everyone I’ve ever met was made of meat.

Ok…now in the interest of being fair and at least attempting to give both sides. I did read one persons comment about this where they tried to explain it as an experiment in which an experimenter briefly dipped a dried, sterilized cockroach into a glass of apple juice and then asked people if they would be willing to drink the juice. Most people didn't want to, even though the juice was in no way contaminated.

I suppose it could be the same principle at work in this whole vegansexuality thing. If something really grosses us out, that sense of disgust will spread to anything touched by the offensive object…but I still think its all a load of horseshit…which incidentally is made up entirely of vegetables, maybe these “vegansexuals” would like to…oh, nevermind. This group definitely earns my "WHATEVER" of the Week Award.

Vegetarian Quotes of the Day: (I couldn't pick just one)

"If it screams, it's not food... yet."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"I love animals... they're delicious."
"If animals were not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat ?"
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?"
"Do vegetarians hate plants ?"
"Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces ?"
"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me." — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic. Explaining why he had turned down an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner.

If you have any of your own feel free to share it with us.

CasiNO or CasiYes?

Well, it looks like I was a day late and a dollar short on the whole reward or ransom thing as Turbitt’s post was a day earlier and everything that could possibly be said about the issue has pretty much been hashed out, so check it out over there if you wanna see what people had to say. (Though there was another letter to the Marianas Variety editor from the uncle of the girl who found “Jake” and another letter which offered some rebuttal from Kate Busenkell of PAWS) Meanwhile I’m on to my next conundrum, that of the much debated casino initiative.

First let me say that I am a registered voter here and I do take this decision seriously but I am completely undecided as to whether I should vote CasiNO or CasiYES. That’s where you come in oh persuasive (or should I say argumentative) and enlightened (or should I say self important) members of the blogosphere. Really though, I honestly want to hear what people out there have to say on this issue and I don’t mind if you feel the need to post namelessly so long as you make a valid point and don’t do so just to be anonymously asinine.

I find it interesting how for months all we had heard and seen by the roadway was “Vote Saipan Casio” , bumper stickers exhorting us to “Vote Yes To Casino” or letters to the editor singing the praises of our coming savior the casino initiative. But all of a sudden in the last week or so we’re seeing this rather determined push by the self proclaimed CasiNOers, led by none other than one of the CNMI´s most prolific unofficial columnists, Ambrose Bennett. Now, finally, it’s getting interesting.

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the CNMI Public Arena were in this corner we have Saipan’s own pimp daddy Ambrose Bennett weighing in for the CasiNOers with Jane Mack cheering from the sidelines. Meanwhile across the ring stands the rather solitary figure of Pedro R. DeLeon Guerrero President of the CNMI Indigenous Entrepreneurs Inc. Though Mr. Vicente M. Sablan does toss him some support in Tuesday’s Variety.

Pedro “The Gambler” Guerrero came out swinging early with a few well placed letters to the local papers promising that a “Saipan casino will lift the islands' misery” and that “the benefit of establishing casino industry on Saipan will outweigh that of the Tinian casino.”

But the second round has gone to Ambrose “Common Sense” Bennett with his catchy CasiNO campaign which has been blitzing island roadways along with his most recent letter to the editor decrying the CasiYESers as cheaters who hit below the belt by vandalizing said road signs.

Well, that’s the bell signaling the start of the third round and it’s still anybody’s guess as to who’ll come out on top. So it’s time for you to weigh in CNMI public, who are you rooting for and why, I’m a blank page, the quintessential undecided vote and I’m listening…convince me.

Casino Quote of the Day:

“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.”

-Jack Yelton