Tit for Tat

Here's a juicy little tidbit fresh off the Saipan rumor mill. You know that Japanese businessman/tour operator who was arrested for raping a tourist last week...well apparently the poor sap is innocent and this is just the latest battle in a long running feud between this fella and some other Japanese businessman/real estate tycoon who was, shall we say, a tad miffed, over a certain business deal.

Apparently, and this is mostly hearsay, but it's gotta be at least somewhat true cuz hey, you just can't make this stuff up, but apparently to tell the whole story you gotta back the truck up to about a year ago when Japanese real estate tycoon dude showed up on Saipan and employed the services of Japanese tour operator dude (since you don’t tell names and tales too we’ll just identify them as thus for now).

Evidently real estate tycoon dude made a reservation with tour agency dude for a high dollar straight pimpin penthouse crib at the Nikko for something like six months. Well as you can imagine when it came time for the bill it was somewhere in the 100’s of thousands of dollars…but apparently real estate tycoon dude doesn’t have as good an imagination as my loyal readers so he was somewhat peeved at having run up such an astronomical tab and felt he had been overcharged.

So, doing what any respectable 44-year-old Japanese businessman/real estate tycoon dude would do…he and his supposedly yakuza connected Japanese business partner dude took tour operator dude out to a strip club to drink excessively, touch boobies and, oh yeah, of course, talk business.

Well after a while of this they apparently decided that a strip club was not a very conducive environment for discussing serious business and elected to head to Suicide Cliff, a spot we would all agree is much better suited for such transactions. (???) Upon arrival, surprise, surprise, they proceeded to beat the stink out of tour operator dude with a baseball bat, demanding that he either A.) pay them $250,000 or B.) jump off the cliff (ahh…decisions, decisions).

Lucky for tour operator dude however, a randy Korean tour operator dude and his “friend” decided to show up at the cliffs for some 3am “stargazing” (yeah right, I think you can read between the lines there) and scared off the real estate tycoon and yakuza dude. They graciously took the tour operator to the hospital where a CHC nurse informed police of the beating.

Needless to say, business tycoon guy was arrested and while the criminal charges seem like they won’t really amount to much…enter opportunistic bloodsucking lawyer who informs our now black and blue tour operator that he can sue real estate tycoon for some of those big tycoon dollars, or yen…as the case may be. And tour operator dude who apparently doesn’t know when to take a hint and just leave things be decides that this is a great idea and proceeds with civil litigation.

Well obviously no rich businessman is going to take an assault on his money laying down…but he knew someone who would…enter opportunistic slut-for-hire. This is where it really gets salacious…

According to rumor, Japanese real estate tycoon dude hired a woman and her friend to come here from Japan as innocent tourists through the tour company of, who else, but our hapless, though somewhat dim-witted Japanese tour operator dude. This woman and her friend then proceeded to have a big night out on the town with Mr. Gullible…er I mean…tour operator dude and conspired to seduce him (a tough job I’m sure) and lead him to “know” her in a Biblical sense of the word like as Adam knew Eve.

Sooo…you can imagine our dense tour operators surprise when he was arrested a while later on charges of sexual assault and rape. In the words of the immortal Homer Simpson…Doh!

So here’s how things stand as of press time for this blog…Japanese tour operator dude had finally gotten bail reduced from $60,000 to $6,000 and after a few days of sitting in the pokey was finally able to get out, whilst real estate tycoon dude waits for his day in court on both the criminal and civil charges for the beating.

What happens next in this uniquely Saipan epic is anyone’s guess…

Ah-ha Moment of the Day:

Ok now go back and read the title of this post.

Web Hit Whore

In taking a page from Angelo's book I've decided to become a "Hit Whore", if you will, and see how many visits I can get by blogging about something salacious. And what could be more outrageous than the current scandal surrounding the former governor of New York and his expensive "visits" with high end call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupré.

Actually what got me interested in this besides my shameless curiosity, was that I heard that this girl was an aspiring musical artist and that she had a song out on a radio station in New York City as a result of all the attention she had been getting. So I thought it'd be interesting to hear the song and of course since I had that interest I figgered there'd be some others out there who would like to hear what kind of music a high dollar hooker can produce. So, here freshly ripped from her myspace page is Ashley Alexandra Dupré's hit song.



Yeah, so I dunno if you bothered to listen to the whole thing or not I mean honestly it's not really all that catchy so I don't really see this thing going anywhere. In fact, according to mtv.com the song has been pulled from rotation on Z100 in NYC after only a couple of days.

Ashley Alexandra Dupré (born Ashley Youmans), the alleged call girl known as "Kristen" at the center of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitution scandal, appeared to hit it big yesterday, when her song "What We Want" was added to Z100's playlist.

"Z100 is all about playing what's hot, and we can't think of anything hotter than a song from the woman at the center of the scandal that took down the governor of New York," Tom Poleman, senior vice president of programming at the New Jersey-based radio station, said in a statement released Thursday. "On top of that, it's not a bad song. Looks like she may have a new career; this time in music."

But just as fast as Spitzer vacated his post, Dupré's song has now been reeled in at Z100. As of Friday afternoon, the track — a pulsating dance number that sounds like it was scraped from the cutting-room floor of a J. Lo recording session — was being playing sparingly on Z100, but not nearly with as much regularity as it had the day before.

Ah well...thank God for looks huh. Speaking of which, when I first saw her picture I thought she bore a striking resemblance to Sandra Bullock, don't ya think?



So...this is what it's like to join in on a media frenzy. Now lets see what it does for my hit traffic...hmm...somehow I now feel kinda dirty.

Letterman's Top Ten of the Day:

Top Ten Surprises During Eliot Spitzer's Resignation

1. Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
2. Opening line: "Are you a cop?"
3. Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone
4. Reaffirmed his policy of "Bro's before Ho's"
5. His decision not to wear pants
6. Admitted he also once made out with former Governor Pataki
7. Credited downfall to fast-paced lifestyle of Albany
8. He was kinda pitchy, dawg
9. Said he thought the Emperor's Club was a Chinese restaurant
10. When reporters asked how much he paid per hour, his wife said, "Believe me, he doesn't need an hour"

We're in the No Smoking Section...for now

Like a chain smoker in a family restaurant our fuming neighbor to the north continues to spew forth its debris. And depending on the omniscient forces of the winds we either suffer in its cloud or breathe easy under clear skies. Fortunately the prevailing breezes have been on our side for the past week or so and we have remained blissfully unaware of the maelstrom to our north.

NASA however, did take notice of our resident volcano and even went so far as to photograph it from space and do a little write up about it. Perhaps this picture will help to clarify what I was talking about in my Saipan Stinks post regarding the odoriferous volcanic haze.

Image Acquired: March 05, 2008

Activity on Anatahan
On March 5, 2008, the plume from the Anatahan Volcano appeared to intensify. The Moderate Resolution Imaging Spectroradiometer (MODIS) on NASA’s Terra satellite took this picture the same day. One day earlier, the plume blew away from the volcano toward the northeast. On March 5, the plume hovered over the volcano’s summit, thick enough to completely hide the volcanic island from view. The plume’s position in this image could result from a wind shift, or a burst of volcanic activity shortly before the satellite passed overhead.

If you click on the picture it will take you to a MUCH larger version which shows a surprising amount of detail. I was also impressed with how clearly our beautiful turquoise lagoon shows up from space.

Random One-Liner of the Day:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

The Kat!??

Sit down, buckle your seatbelt and hold on to your fairydust tinkerbell cuz I don't do it very often but I'm about to go on a rant...

So apparently 97.9 The Rock will now be known as 97.9 The Kat, I mean I can't say I didn't see it coming since they had basically already changed the format a month or so ago when I completely quit listening but "The Kat"!? Hmm...I guess they needed a lameass name to go with their new lameass format. Well, I'll offer them a big congratulations on suck-ceding in that. I dunno...maybe I'm all alone here but a radio station on this little island that plays nothing but music from the 50's 60's and 70's?? Is that really what the majority of people want to hear around here?

I'll admit The Rock was pretty much my default station on my car radio and while it wasn't as good as some of the satellite stations which I can get at home over the internet, it was at least decent some of the time. I think they even had a liner one time which said something like "You're listening to the Rock 97.9...we suck less", which I thought was pretty dead on. But, it would seem that Sorenson in it's great wisdom decided not only to let Daddy Long Legs and his brother get away (boneheaded mistake #1) but it then decided to change the format of a station which, with a little work, could have been pulling in a decent audience.

Both of my dedicated readers will remember that in one of my previous posts I revealed that I am a child of the late 80's/early 90's so it should not come as too much of a surprise that I would MUCH prefer to hear rock from (in your best announcer voice) "the 80's, 90's and today". And while I got nothing but love for the "classic" rock, I mean groups like CCR, The Beatles, Doors, Hendrix, and Lynard are timeless and they certainly have their place. But these d00ds over at The Pussy...er I mean Kat are purr-ferring to play Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and other random B-side crap from that era that certainly no one from my generation has ever heard of...or really wants to hear, period. But then again...maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, in the Variety article today the management "conducted a survey on Guam and learned that most of the respondents prefer a classic rock format which is also popular among the listeners in the U.S." Gee ain't that just peachy...I guess that means we over here in SAIPAN get stuck with whatever the majority of folks want in GUAM...is anyone else feeling me here or am I being to SUBTLE?

Well, so as not to be misunderstood on exactly what I think of the new format of 97.9 I've spent some of my valuable time coming up with some alternative names and liners for our new feline themed radio station.

"You're listening to 97.9 The Anal Vacuum, cuz we suck a$$!"

“Keep it tuned here to 97.9 The AM Radio, cuz that's where we belong"

"We are 97.9 The Adult Diaper cuz we're designed for the elderly and we're full of S%*t”

Does anyone else out there have any suggestions for Saipan's latest greatest reincarnation? If so then please feel free to share them with the rest of us in the comments section. I can't wait to see what yall come up with.

When Ipod Tried to Kill the Radio Star

Sucking Quote of the Day:

“The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly' meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks' meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.”

-Larry Hardiman

“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.”
teardrop

-Jack Handy

Guamania...(a repost)

First of all let me say a big SORRY to everyone out there who so anxiously wanted to see the Steven Colbert clip from my Mmm...Chamorro post but was unable to. So in an attempt to remedy that little snafu I've uploaded the clip to YouTube and have posted it here for all of your viewing pleasure. Bon Apetit..



I dunno what the deal is but YouTube seems to be a lot more reliable in delivering on demand video than the Blogger in house system, which seems weird cuz they're both owned and operated by Google!? Ah well..."Whatever" :-P

5/17/2008
Sorry dudes and dudettes...I just got an email from YouTube saying that they had to pull this clip because of "a third-party notification by Viacom International Inc. (corporate assholes) claiming that this material is infringing" to which I reply WHAT-THE-F**K-EVER!

Another Random One Liner of the Day:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Happy Bissextile Day!

Bet ya that title caught your attention didn't it?...ya pervs... Well, sorry to be the salacious buzz killer but unfortunately Bissextile has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences, in fact it has nothing to do with sex at all...so, now that I've probably lost over three quarters of my audience I'll continue.

Bissextile is actually the official name of the leap day we add every four years to keep our calendar in sync. Hence my title "Happy Bissextile Day", it just sounded so much more intriguing than "Happy Leap Day".

The MacMillan Dictionary actually breaks it down like this:

bissextile adjective
referring to a leap year
bissextile noun [C]
a leap year
bissext (also bissextus) noun [C]
February 29th, the extra day in a leap year

Incidentally... Bissext is also often referred to as "Ladies Day." This is because of the old tradition that women are allowed to propose marriage to men not only on Leap Year Day (2/29) but throughout the entire Leap Year. This tradition can be traced back to an old Irish legend concerning St. Patrick and St. Bridget in the 5th Century.

Bridget complained that her nuns were upset because they never had a chance to propose marriage. (Note: At this time, the celibacy rule in religious orders was based on personal private vows and not a requirement by the church.) So, Patrick suggested that the women be given this privilege every 7 years. This wasn't good enough for Bridget. She said it should be every 4 years! So, Patrick compromised and obliged the women by saying that they could have Leap Year. Patrick felt this showed just how passive women were expected to be in those days. Much to his surprise, Bridget then proposed to him! Patrick declined her proposal. Instead he promised to give her a silk gown and a kiss.

So... in the British Isles during the Middle Ages there was an unwritten law that stated every single man who turned down a woman's proposal during Leap Year had to compensate her with a kiss plus either a silk gown or a pair of gloves.

All of which begs the question, Why doesn't a woman have to compensate a man when she flat rejects him!?

Another weird term associated with this unusual day is the noun "leapling", used to refer to a person born on February 29th. They even have their own website (of course who doesn't these days) found at leapling.com.

Geez...how bad would it suck to be born on February 29th? I mean, not only would you only have a birthday every four years, but you could also be referred to as a Bissextile Leapling. I reckon if your folks weren't married when you popped out you'd be a Bissextile Leapling Bastard.

As if you haven't been force fed enough useless bissextile trivia for one day...(ah well it only happens once every four years so deal with it) but funny enough I found out that rapper Ja Rule is a Bissextile Leapling. I'm unsure as to his parents matrimonial status at the time of his birth so it looks like I'll have to leave off that last bit.

By the way...if you're out tonight and you bump into someone who seems to be going at it just a little harder than the rest of the crowd, it's probably a Leapling. Apparently their motto is "Party like it happens only once every four years!"


So hold on to yer butts Saipan cuz it's shaping up to be a crazy bissextile night. The volcanic haze is back with a vengence, there's a Navy ship in, the Leaplings will be out in force and there's live reggae at the Hard Rock.

Whoa...I just had a scary thought, what if there's a leapling among the sailors?? If there is then I can already see tomorrow's headline "Leapling Sailor Parties Himself Into Coma". I mean think about it...you only get to celebrate your birthday once every four years and you've been cooped up on some ship for like 6 months...yikes.

Random One Liner of the Day:

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Mmmm...Chamorro

Y'all might remember about a year ago when there was a little bit of talk going around about the Congresswoman from Guam, Madeline Bordallo, appearing on the Colbert Report. Well, seeing as our television schedule with the consumer friendly monopoly KMCV is so assbackwards I was able to hear all about the program and then sit down and actually watch it a week later, and let me just say folks...I cried.

I mean seriously...I was laughing so hard there were tears of sheer laughter running down my face. It has to be one of the best Colbert reports that ole Steven has ever done, you could tell he was just "on" as he was interviewing her. So here in a "Whatever" blog exclusive (seriously you can't find this anywhere else) I proudly present to you the Colbert report on Guamania.

The other thing that cracks me up about this is that, being someone who's lived out here for some time now, I've had many similar conversations with people that went something like this when talking about where I lived. Whether it be on the plane, at family gatherings or when trying to rent a car with my homemade looking drivers license...the look of "yeah...sure...you're part of the States!?" appears without fail.

But the reality is that the average American Joe on the street has no IDEA where or who we are out here, as can be evidenced by Colbert's comment that there are 4 "protectorates". I'm assuming those would be Guam, American Samoa, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Apparently the CNMI didn't make the list. But you know what...all things considered I'm totally cool with that cuz I love telling people about Saipan. I sat next to a guy on a flight back in October when I went home for a week and he just seemed so intrigued to learn about our island, we must have talked about the CNMI for the whole four hour flight from Richmond to Minneapolis. And towards the end of the trip when I asked him about what it was like in his home state of South Dakota all he could say was "well it's not near as interesting as Siam".

So yeah, granted, we still got some PR to do but, for me at least, its a labor of love. :-)

Pacific Island Jokes of the Day:

A Chamorro man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Chamorro man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Chamorro man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen here par - when I was born, I was BROWN,"
When I grew up, I was BROWN,
When I'm sick, I'm BROWN,
When I'm cold, I'm BROWN,
When I die, I'll be BROWN."
But lania brat, you are something different...
"When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow up, you're WHITE,
When you're sick, you're GREEN,
When you go in the sun, you turn RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
And when you die, you turn PURPLE."
AND YOU HAVE THE FRIGGIN NERVE TO CALL ME COLORED?"

Two Chamorro women are walking down the street. One notices A compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second says, "Here, let me see!" So the first one hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!""

" A Chuukese, A Yapese and a Pohnpeian were in a car. Who was driving????
Answer: A DPS Officer.. "

Ok, you gotta admit these are funny but if you are offended please don't be mad at me I didn't write them so send your hate mail here