Saipan Stinks!

NOOO...don't worry, I'm not trying to start Saipan bashing like whoever that guy is over at the Saipan sucks website. I'm actually being quite literal, for the past couple of days Saipan has truly stunk and anyone who lives here will wholeheartedly agree with me on this. It smells like a 75-year-old man's ass who eats nothing but eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Saipan Tribune referred to it in today's paper as "The characteristic smell of sulfur-like rotting eggs and an open sewer." Nice one Ferdie!

Ok, I'll stop being so cryptic, the real reason Saipan smells so bad at the moment is because we have a volcano about 75 miles to the north of us, called Anatahan, which apparently has eaten some bad Mexican food. It's been spewing forth a noxious combination of gases which, thanks to the recently prevailing winds, have been flowing right over our lovely little slice of paradise.

(oops...sorry Angelo, I forgot I'm supposed to be doing my part for tourism...
..don't reckon this is helping much...)

Here's a picture of the "volcanic haze" which has been stinking up the place.
I totally stole this off of the Saipan Tribune website...nice shot though Jackie, I love the sign!

But, in an attempt to see the glass as half full, there are some silver linings to this gray cloud of stench. For one, you can now feel free to fart with impunity. Or at least you no longer have to worry about blaming it on the cat. I mean think about it, if the whole place smells like one big air biscuit then who's going to notice if you just let a little butt burp off the leash? That is, of course, assuming you're skillful enough to keep the noise level down.

The other bright side to this revolves around this whole argument of geological validation which I was trying to explain to my wife. She, like most women, has what seems to me an almost aberrant phobia of flatulence. And the point I was trying to make, while out on our balcony engulfed in it's perfume, was that if even mother Earth gets gas which she must expel from time to time then its only natural that we humans should feel free to do so as well.

I don't think she bought it...although I do think she believes that truly was the volcano which just blew through here a second ago...sweet...

Fun Fart Facts of the Day:

(Oh you just knew I was gonna do something like this)

What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

(and you thought I was gonna post something sweet for Valentines Day didn't you? Well...SIKE!)

You Grew Up In The Late 80's/Early 90's If...

Ahhh...the good ole days, when our War's were Cold and our Wheels were Hot. When all you had to worry about was building forts by the creek and making sure you didn't get hit in the eye with a BB pellet. (reminiscent sigh) Man how I miss those days. So, in order to pay homage to those simpler times I present to you some highlights from a selection entitled "You Know You Grew Up in the Late 80's/Early 90's If..."

You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

You know the profound meaning of " WAX ON , WAX OFF"

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You ever wore fluorescent clothing.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

Ahh...The silly things we did before the enlightenment age of the IPod.

(Is it just me or is this guy wearing a Daniel Boone style coon-skin hat with his jump suit?)

You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

You just sang those words to yourself.

You had a pair of stone washed "cargo'' jeans...I dunno if they were really called that but I had a pair that I LOVED, lol.

You remember "Where's the Beef?"

You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You're still singing shot through the heart in your head

80's Joke of the Day:

Q: Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation?
A: John Cougar's Melon Camp

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A: Michael Jackson was burned using Pepsi and Richard Pryor was burned using Coke.

The Popping Seeds of Saipan

This was so cool I thought I just HAD to write about it. You see I've been substituting for a fifth grade teacher who's been out on maternity leave for the past three weeks and, as always, I learned a thing or two during my tenure there. This time around the kids showed me something after 8 years of living here I had never seen on this island. They introduced me to the Popping Seed of Saipan. I searched the internet trying to find out their real name but I could not find it anywhere and I was so intrigued by this little firecracker that I made a video of it and have posted it here for your enjoyment.



So tell those Grinches on the Hill they can go ahead and ban our Christmas fireworks...who needs them anyways...we'll just GROW OUR OWN!

Seed Jokes of the Day:

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
–Steven Wright

What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."

“They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.”
-Ernest Hemingway

I FUGUed...And Survived

After many years of restless anticipation, last week I was finally able to sit down to a meal that could potentially kill me. That's right I ate raw (as in uncooked), possibly poisonous (as in it-kill-you-you-dead), blowfish (as in Hootie and the ___). Why, you ask, would I take my life into my hands for something so trivial as a meal of raw fish? Well I suppose the answer could be summed up by the ancient Japanese saying:

 Those who eat fugu soup are stupid.
But those who don't eat fugu soup are also stupid.

That was real deep, I know, but I swear to you I am not making that up...that's really their
traditional saying on this issue so I'm just gonna go with that. I mean let's face it a culture that's like over 1000 years old must know what their talking about, right...right?

Well according to Wikipedia, fugu contains lethal amounts of the poison tetrodotoxin in the internal organs, especially the liver and ovaries, and also the skin. Therefore, only specially licensed chefs are allowed to prepare and sell fugu to the public, and the consumption of the liver and ovaries is forbidden. However, a number of people die every year from consuming improperly prepared fugu.

This tetrodotoxin stuff makes cyanide look like a Jolly Rancher since it's a whopping 1250 times more potent (more potent than cyanide not the Jolly Rancher...smartass), shoot, one website even claimed that simply touching the fish wrong could kill you. The poison, a sodium channel blocker, paralyzes the muscles while the victim stays fully conscious, first they experience a numbing of the lips and tongue, then a growing paralysis of the body, headaches, gastric pain, vomiting and convulsions. It's not all bad though, app arently you do get the consolation prize of a "light and floaty " feeling. Then boys and girls, after 4-6 fun filled hours of this, death occurs from asphyxiation.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that there's no known antidote? Hmm...had I known all this before partaking of this murderous meal I may have had some second thoughts. But since ignorance is bliss I happily dug in and ate my fill only to be slightly surprised at the taste...or lack thereof. I mean certainly a food with such an evil reputation would have an equally wicked flavor to go with it...right?

But alas, this was not to be, as the much hyped fugu, in this ignorant gaigin's (Japanese for "foreigner") mind tasted like a chewy piece of...something chewy. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad at all, in fact the sauce which we were dipping it in was great and I was beyond thrilled at finally having the opportunity to partake, but when taken on its own the mighty blowfish deflated on the taste buds.

So then why the attraction? I mean, who is the salesman behind a dining experience which is somewhat bland, expensive, (this stuff goes for $200 a plate in Japan) and potentially fatal? Whoever it is should be selling refrigerators to Eskimos instead of trying to titillate thrill seeking diners in the extreme sports of cuisine. Although, true connoisseurs would be mighty miffed at my take on it being slightly bland I just didn't see it.

Or maybe its something altogether different than the flavor that drives people, myself included, to the fugu's table, possibly the attraction lies in the allure of the poison itself. The possibility, be it ever so minute, that this could be my last meal. The idea of dancing with the devil by the pale moonlight, that sense of staring death dead in the eye...and chewing.

Or perhaps, to quote an ancient Japanese saying, we're all just stupid.

Hozumi and I about to engage in the Russian Roulette of dining.

Homer Simpson Quote of the Day:

(Homer looks over the menu.)
Homer: There’s got to be something I haven’t tried. Huh? Hey, hey, what’s this? Fugu!
Akira: (Gasps.) It is a blowfish, sir. But I should warn you that one—
Homer: Come on, pal. Fugu me!

(Homer, at the hospital after eating some poisoned blowfish.)
Homer: (Imitating Lisa) Try something new, Homer! What'll it hurt you, Homer? (Regular voice) I never heard of a poison pork chop!

OK OK...there's just wayy too many good quotes here...You just GOTTA watch this, at least the first 4 and a half minutes worth, they are truly hilarious, then it just gets kinda stupid...unless you like Todd Sweeney, whoever that is.

What You Think You Saw You Did Not See

I dunno if some of you have seen this thing floating around cyberspace but it's pretty trippy.

If your brain works normally , which automatically rules a few of you out, this is really pretty neat.

This is an example of an optical illusion.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating dot, the dots will remain all one color, pink.

(Ok, for some reason this is not working in the blog so you need to right click the picture then open in new window, then follow these directions.)

However, if you stare at the black "+" in the center, the moving dot turns green.

Now, concentrate only on the black "+" in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will see only a single green dot rotating.

It's amazing how our brain works...or doesn't...as the case may be... There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough that we don't always see what we think we see.

Brain Joke of the Day:

Woman's Brain

A man went to the doctor's because he suffered from terrible headaches.
The doctor gave him a full exam and shook his head.
"I'm sorry," the doctor said, " You have an inoperable brain tumour and will need to have a brain transplant immediately. I can operate on you today but you'll need to pick out a brain."
The man followed the doctor into another room to pick out his brain.
"Okay," the doctor said, "the men's brains are over here and cost $100,000. Or you could get a woman's brain, over there, those cost $30,000. Pick which ever one you want."
The man could not help but ask, "Why such a difference in price between the male and the female brain?" "Well," the doctor replied, "you have to take into account that the female brain is used."

Man's Brain

oh yeah...100 points for anyone who can tell me where I got the inspiration for my title.

Gettin all Intellectual on ya

I know, it's been two weeks since my last post and I feel really bad about it...really. But in my defense, not only has it been the holidays but, I have also been finishing up the last two classes for my Masters degree in Education from Framingham State College. Ohhh...Ahhh...impressed? Good, you should be, cuz these classes have been kicking my butt for the past two weeks nonstop. My cohort and I had Advanced Teaching Strategies and Research and Evaluation back to back, now talk about writing papers, holy hand cramps Batman, I think my right paw is going to be in traction for the next month. I have never written so many research papers and responses and reflections in both of my lifes combined.

Actually this has made me think of something, how about, just for kicks, I share with you a sample of some of the questions I had to answer before the Research and Evaluation course, just so you can see why I have wanted to give my writing brain a break for a few days.

So here we go, put your thinkin caps on cuz I'm about to pop open a can of intellectual whoop ass. But be forewarned, this is not going to be funny and some of you may think this is some of the most boring load of tripe you've ever read in a blog but others may find those thinking juices flowing and want write a response of your own to which I say "Bring it!".

Question #1:
Can you think of some other ways of knowing besides experience and reasoning? What are they? What, if any, are the limitations of these methods?

My Answer:

1. I would argue that our emotions to some limited extent help us in our “knowing”. Though emotions can be and really are quite fickle I believe they can nevertheless help us in validating our knowledge of something. For example if we do something which has been agreed upon by humanity in general as wrong, like stealing something which doesn’t belong to us, then we feel guilt over that act then that helps us to verify that this is in fact something that is not right. Even without being conditioned to have ideas of right and wrong we as humans in our innermost beings typically know these things (as in the knowledge of good and evil, to use biblical terminology) and our emotions are the projection of this knowledge.

Question #2:
"While certainty is appealing, it is contradictory to a fundamental premise of science." What does this mean? Discuss.

My Answer:

1. Well when I think back through the annals of science history we see that many times man has been “certain” of something only to find as the years pass and we advance in our knowledge that what had been deemed “fact” was in actuality complete fiction. Take the belief, or at the time the certainty, that the world was flat for an easy example. All the leading scientists of the time thought for certain that the world was indeed flat and that the sun revolved around the Earth. It certainly made plenty of sense based upon the world as man had always seen it, but of course, we found out later that it this was entirely wrong and we laugh at the utter ignorance of the so called scientists of the time. Only to miss the more important point that for all of our “advancements” in say 500 years what will cause men to look back at us and scoff at the ineptitude of our so called “scientists”?

Question #3:
Is there such a thing as private knowledge? If so, can you give an example?

My Answer:

1. I believe there is such a thing as private knowledge, as in the knowledge we have about ourselves that no one else can obtain. This is simply because no matter how close someone has been with us they have never been there for every event of our life, and even if they were there they may have interpreted the event different than we did. I think it’s the kind of knowledge which we allude to when we say things like “be honest with yourself” or when we refer to looking into one’s innermost being. It’s the kind of knowledge that I and only I have about myself and how I view the world around me. But it also seems to be a knowledge that is not very often recognized or especially thought out, we just know.

There...now...you feel any smarter? I know I sure do...

Thinking Quote of the Day:

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it."
-Terry Pratchett

WHOA, OK, so hold up...before anyone tries to accuse me of suddenly taking this blog all high brow here's this:

"Philosophical cat admits he was only trying to think outside of the box"

Hmm...maybe thinking INSIDE the box is not always such a BAD thing...

The Man Song

OK...this is just downright funny, and if you don't think it's especially funny then you're either:

1. Single, or
2. Been married less than two years

Oh yeah and Joy...be sure and tell BG (if it's ok with you of course) that I said thanks for making sure this got passed on to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, maybe we should start a support group...of course, we'd have to check and make sure it was OK with our wives first.



Don't worry, I got approval from the Boss...er...I mean, my Wife, before I posted this. Shoot...she told me I was only supposed to call her "boss" in private...now I'm really in trouble...

I Love My Wife Jokes of the Day:

LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life."

LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with too many chores. Don't discuss all your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.