My Blog About "Whatever"

The Taj Mahal

2008-07-24T14:46:00.008+10:00

There was a T-shirt on sale in the town of Agra, where the Taj Mahal is located which proclaimed "Go Via Agra and witness man's greatest erection for a woman" lol, yeah ok, I know it's kinda crude but you gotta admit it is funny, and quite true actually. The Taj Mahal was, in fact, built for the love of a woman. It stands as an amazing monument to love and the great heartache of love lost. So now here it is in pictures and stories as I experienced it.

Me and an English fellow named John I'd met the evening before at dinner agreed to get up at the butt crack of dawn to beat the crowds and see the Taj Mahal. So at 5:30 AM we found ourselves to be the only ones in line waiting to buy a ticket to enter which we were allowed to do at 6:00 and in we walked...the first two people through the gate.

After you walk through the outer courtyard and head towards the main gate this is the view which greets you and your heart starts thumping and you get a goofy sorta grin on your face as it begins to dawn on you that you've finally made it, after all the travel and difficulties, you're only steps away from one of the great wonders of the world.

Then there it is, in all its splendor and white marble, the Taj Mahal. Built to be the eternal resting place of Shah Jahan's true love, Mumtaz. The story goes that the beloved Mumtaz died giving birth to her 16th child. No wonder Shah Jahan felt so bad and went to such lengths for the poor gal, he killed her by knocking her up 16 times, she must have spent her whole life pregnant!

The Taj Mahal is surrounded by four minarets but since it's actually a tomb and not a mosque they're not used for calling the faithful to prayer but simply as towering decorations.

They say it took 20,000 workers 12 years just to complete the main tomb building, and when you get up close you can see why it would have taken so long with the intricate carvings and inlay work, the small details are just as beautiful as the building as a whole.

The Taj Mahal was constructed using materials from all over India and Asia. Over 1,000 elephants were used to transport building materials during the construction. The translucent white marble was brought from Rajasthan, the jasper from Punjab, jade and crystal from China. The turquoise was from Tibet and the Lapis lazuli from Afghanistan, while the sapphire came from Sri Lanka and the carnelian from Arabia. In all, twenty eight types of precious and semi-precious stones were inlaid into the white marble.

Agra Fort in the distance

The story goes that as Shah Jahan was advancing in years that he decided to build an identical Taj on the other side of the river from the original one only this one would be made entirely of black marble. His son, the heir to the throne, had other ideas since the building of the first one had all but bankrupt the kingdom (they say the price tag was somewhere in the billions of dollars in todays money) So the son placed the father under a kind of house arrest and forced him to live out the remainder of his days in an apartment built for him, out of marble of course, atop the walls of the Agra Fort which he was never allowed to leave. He apparently spent the last 7 years of his life gazing across the river at the Taj Mahal and mourning the loss of Mumtaz, his one true love.

Shah Jahan's marble apartment built on the walls of the Agra Fort facing across the Yamuna river to the Taj Mahal.

I dunno what the Indians call this critter but it looked to me like a squirrel accidentally humped a chipmunk and out popped this little guy.

Later in the day we went to the other side of the river to take pictures of the Taj from that vantage point where there was a little kid who would not stop harassing me until I let him take a picture of me "holding" the Taj Mahal...for which he later wanted some compensation for, of course.

Here's a view of the Taj Mahal from the roof of my hotel just after sunset. I would have taken the picture at sunset but there was a monkey on the roof enjoying the view during that time and well...you know how I feel about monkeys, so I wasn't about to disturb him.

Taj Mahal Quote of the Day:

ENTRY FEES:

Taj entry fee for foreigners - 750 Rupees (17.83 USD)
Taj entry fee for Indians - 20 Rupees (0.47 USD)

Does that seem fair to you? Now don't get me wrong, I'm familiar with the idea of a discount for locals but lets at least try to be a little equitable.

Shimla

2008-07-24T09:27:00.009+10:00

Sorry it's been a month late in coming but here's the next update in the India saga that was most of my summer. In this installment we'll take a look at the beautiful Himalayan town of Shimla in pictures and anecdotes. Feel free to click on the images to enlarge them to their full size.

Ahhh...Shimla, a truly beautiful, cool town and I mean that both in temperature and state of being.

There always seemed to be something going on up on "The Ridge" near the church. This couple was dancing to the song the man behind them was singing acapella. I love the look on this dude's face, so typical of this area, the men chasing the women and the women seemingly indifferent.

Mmmmm...Chicken Tikka with some stuffed Kulcha on the side...I miss you

Here's my British classmate and study partner/drinking buddy being attacked by a random roaming cow. Yes, it may look as though he's just stroking ole Bessy behind the ears but tis not so. Actually Bessy got rather annoyed when Stephen stood in front of her to take her picture so she, wishing she had horns, rammed her head into his belly basically telling him to piss off, lol, moody cow.

Here's Stephen with Naveen, our Koenig trainer, in our classroom. Stephen's going for the grandaddy of all Koenig courses, the MCSE career track, which is a 3 month intensive program and Naveen gets the pleasure of being his trainer for the whole time...at the end of which they will either be fast friends or one of them will lay bleeding and dying on the floor.

As I mentioned Shimla is cool, even downright cold at night which surprised me everyone kept saying how hot India was going to be, but not in the mountains it ain't. So being that all I had with me were Saipan clothes I had to buy a jacket, hat and some long pants. So here's me taking a picture of my new getup in the mirror of the fancyass Clark Hotel where we had an outrageously overpriced dinner.

Here's a picture of some Chicken Masala which I'm pretty sure was responsible for my next four days of absolute agony. I dunno how else to explain it except to say that it felt like someone was stabbing me in the stomach after which time my backside would literally explode. At the time I was going through a roll of toilet paper per day.

We came across this guy and his herd of water buffalo on the way to Hatu Peak. In order for our car to pass he forced his flock up onto the precipitous hillside, where they started to slip and stumble...I was sure one of them was going to roll down that hill into our car.

Here I am at the top of Hatu Peak (3400 meters). I was still suffering from some gastrointestinal issues when we reached the summit so for the first time in my life I was forced to find a tree, squat, and spend some quality time communing with nature. That smile is a giant grin of relief!

No, don't worry they haven't been shot in the head, they're just the rarely encountered British Hindu, also known as Rob and Stephen. Stephen had a habit of rubbing his forehead thus smearing red dot all over his brow.

On the way back to Delhi from Shimla I had a ten hour bus ride which was made even longer by the fact that we suddenly ran into a landslide on one of those steep, and I do mean steep, switchback mountain roads. So, our intrepid bus driver, stopped the coach, sighed, picked up a sledgehammer he kept on hand for just such an occasion and started whacking away. After he tired some of the other passengers would take a few turns smacking at the rock to make a path for our bus. I offered my services but he took one look at me and insisted that I sit and watch, now I know I'm a pretty big wuss but something in his demeanor made me think that I had probably paid 5 times as much as the other passengers...ah well, such is India.

Finally we were able to squeeze the old Volvo "Luxury Coach" through and it was on to Delhi...or so we thought...

Unfortunately it was not to be, we got about an hour outside of Delhi when the bus broke down. The bus driver told everyone to get out, opened the doors to the luggage hold, pointed south and basically said "Delhi's that way" before flagging down one of the overcrowded local buses which miraculously absorbed him and the rest of the Indian passengers leaving me and the two Dutch fellows sitting on side of the road in the middle of Whoknowswhere, India staring at half a dozen guys who didn't have a full set of teeth between them but who did manage enough English to say "You go Delhi?" "2000 rupee!" sigh...Ai Adai...

India Quote of the Day:

"Yes"

-it's the default answer to every question regardless of whether its true or not...Can I have some more toilet paper? "Yes" Is this really chicken? "Yes" Do you have any beer besides Kingfisher? "Yes" Do you secretly enjoy dressing in womens clothing at night when no one else is around? slight pause..."Yes?"

The Attack of the Pooping Monkeys

2008-06-20T22:32:00.002+10:00

At about 5:30 one morning I woke up to what sounded like someone walking outside my door, this was then followed by a low growling sound, like a small dog would make. As I slowly rise up in the bed, obviously somewhat alarmed, I hear what sounds like someone's hand on the door lever, so at first I just thought it was the guy bringing tea and since he had just walked on in once before I thought maybe he was going to forego the whole knocking thing and just enter.

Well at that point the door handle did in fact turn all the way and the door swung open about 4 inches or so and was followed by that shall we say disconcerting growling sound again. Now I'm in full freak out mode as I'm realizing that there is something definately non-human out there and 1. it had just managed to open my door...surprising and 2. it did NOT sound friendly.

Now the adrenaline is really pumping as I jump from the bed clothed only in my boxers and slam the door shut. This is followed by more growling and scrabbling at the door and the freakiest thing is I can feel this creature trying to turn the handle. Well my mind is racing trying to wake up and figure out what the hell is going on, I mean I'm thinking this is just a dog but dogs don't turn handles!?

At this point I'm looking out the window trying to get a glimpse of whatever it is that is trying to get itself into my room but I can't see anything. I check the door peephole but there's nothing. Then I slowly turn to the window on the other wall as I am on the room at the end and as I press my face up to the glass for a better angle, suddenly this furry face appears in the window astonishingly close causing me to simultaneously wet myself and scream like a girl.

Suddenly the mind kicks in, they're monkeys and there must be at least a half dozen of them as I hear them running past the windows and there's still one trying the door. "What do they want?" I wonder as I finally figure out how to lock the door and I race to make sure the windows are secured. As I get to one window I see a rather large monkey sitting on the ledge and I scream "Go Away" and he jumps up and scratches at the window.

Ok, that's it! Now I've gone from scared outta my mind to pissed off mode and I'm looking for a little payback. That's when I notice a lighter sitting on the table. Ah Ha! That's it! What separates man from animals...Fire! So I grab my little aresol can of body spray and think I'll make a homemade flame thrower like we used to do when we were kids and I'll show this little apeass punk who's at the top of the so called evolutionary ladder.

Armed with the lighter in one hand and the body spray in the other I do a little one, two, three countdown and throw the door open screaming like Rambo with an AK-47 under each arm.

Its here I realize that chemical companies have come a long way in the 20 years since I was a kid in making comsumer products safer and keeping stupid children from blowing themselves up. Sooo...instead of toasting thier primate asses with an impressive ball of flame all I ended up doing was deoderizing the little bastards. Fortunatly they didn't seem to appreciate the sex appeal of Tag body spray and they scattered.

They did, however, leave me a little present, as you can see from the picture I took after I was sure the coast was clear. It would appear that all they wanted was some toilet paper so they could wipe their little monkey butts after having a little monkey poo. Somehow things just sound funnier when you say "monkey" in front of them.

India Roadsign Quote of the Day:

"Whiskey is Risky, Drink and Drive Carefully"

Delhi to Shimla

2008-06-14T02:58:00.005+10:00

So...after the fun filled adventure that was Air India I thought maybe I'd be in for a break, you know, maybe things would go smoothly from here on in...but alas, it was not to be. As I mentioned I arrived quite late into Dehli but was able to get through immigration and customs without a problem and, due to the late hour, fairly quickly. I felt sorry for the poor cabbie who had been sent to pick me up as he had apparently been there waiting for me for close on 5 hours. He seemed to take it all in stride though and away we went through the dark and quite dusty streets of New Delhi to a hotel where I was shown to a room and promptly crashed out.

Only to be abruptly awoken at 6am with a knock on the door informing me that my taxi would be there at 7am to take me to the bus terminal where I would board a bus for Shimla, the town in the Himalayan foothills where I'd be taking my computer certification course. So, surprisingly prompt, I was whisked away to the bus station, which I must say looked like it had seen some better days...like 75 years ago. But a bus station it was and so I loaded the bus and again, things moved fairly efficiently as the bus rolled out only about 15 minutes after its scheduled departure. Cool, I thought, things are moving along ok. And things did, in fact move along ok...that is...until we hit a town called Chandigarh, not sure about the spelling on that. But that's when traffic hit a brick wall, we honestly didn't move more than 5 feet in almost an hour...it was mind numbing. But just like I alluded too, Air India was just an intro to the patience building exercise that is travel in India.

After we finally cleared the traffic jam, and trying to describe a traffic jam here is like trying to explain why lemmings follow one another over a cliff, you see it happening but it just doesn't make any sense. Anyway, after we cleared the traffic jam, it was straight up into the mountains, and not just any mountains, we're talking the Himalayan mountains...the tallest mountain range in the world. And trust me, it lives up to its reputation. They consider these the "foothills" but I don't see anything "hilly" about these honest to goodness mountains. In fact, Shimla, the town where I'm taking my course is at 7100 feet, so if that's a foothill than the mountains we have back in Virginia are mere anthills.

Although we were about 3 hours late, at least we did manage to make it into Shimla safe and sound, which is saying something considering how our driver was driving a full size Volvo bus on these curvy roads like he was behind the wheel of a Ferrari in a TV commercial.

Stay tuned for more on the interesting town of Shimla and its wicked wildlife...

India Roadsign Quote of the Day:
"Haryana Police: Better late than never"

Air India

2008-06-10T21:55:00.001+10:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile but that's because I've been quite busy gearing up for my trip to India. Which happens to be where this post is being sent from though it was written earlier. As you might imagine finding a way to post whilst abroad can be a challenge. But anyway here we go with part 1. How I came to be in this facinating land.

I actually traveled through Singapore in order to get to New Delhi so thats where this picks up, in the Singpore airport to be exact. Waiting, and waiting, and then waiting a little more, for good ole reliable (cough cough) Air India to finally decide to take off. I actually traveled through Singapore in order to get to New Delhi so thats where this picks up, in the Singpore airport to be exact. Waiting, and waiting, and then waiting a little more, for good ole reliable (cough cough) Air India to finally decide to take off.

We were scheduled to depart Singapore at 4:25 pm which upon arrival at the airport I found out had been bumped to 7:25 pm. Ok...I now have 3 hours to kill in an airport, but fortunately I was not in just any old airport I was in the Singpore airport which is a tourist destination in its own right. So I took advantage of the free internet and foot massage as well as the complimentary meal ticket the airline gave out as a token of goodwill. I walked up to the restaurant to claim my free meal and was asked if I prefered #$%^$ or the *&&#@!...yeah that's about how much of it I understood. The guy took one look at my blank face and was like "is this your first time to India?" uh yeah and I got a ton to learn about this food unless I wanna eat nothing but chicken curry for a month.

The gentleman helped me to select the utthabam (hope I spelt that right) bread meal with a tomato sauce and a coconut based sauce to dip it in and some lentil soup, ok, not so bad, I'm feeling all Indian and I haven't even left Singapore yet.

Then on to gate C16 as it says right here on my boarding pass. But, after walking allll the way down the looong C corridor I arrive at an empty gate. Whoa cool, I'm the only one going to India today...wait a minute, there's a sign saying gate changed to D41. Huh!? Lets just say if C16 were good ole Richmond Virginia then they were asking me to walk to Richmond California, in like 10 minutes.

So I haul ass to the waiting area where they do the security screening and took my shaving gel?? Mind you it had made it through like 3 airports already but whatever. In the waiting room area at the gate is where things get fun and I learn a few cultural tidbits. First of all an Indians idea of personal space and my idea of it are quite different. They seem quite happy to bunch all up at the gate door, so much so that the lady at the gate was like "you know there's plenty of room over there, like where that white guy is sitting". They seemed to take a quick glance and decided, nope there was just too much space between them and the coveted gate.

The other thing that strikes me is how they all decided to completly disregard the stated directions. The lady comes on the loud speaker and clearly states that they will be boarding rows 18 through 32, in fact she says this a few times. So the entire waiting room jumps up and forms this massive chaotic line leaving yours truly as the only one still seated. Yippe! This must mean that I'm the only one in rows 1 through 18! Wow, I'm going to have SO much room, 18 rows all to myself, what luck. I hope all 250 of you aren't too crowded back there in those 14 little rows.

Now I must acknowlege here that it's becoming quite clear that I am the ONLY white dude...check that, I'm pretty sure I'm the only non-Indian on this flight and I am feelin my minority status big time.

Well somehow or other everyone manages to get on the plane but because I followed directions there's nowhere for me to stow my luggage so its between the legs for 5 and a half hours I guess. But as I'm walking to my seat in ROW 8 after everyone else in rows 1-32...grumble grumble... I notice a few things that cause some consternation on my part. Let's just say that well...any plane that still has a working ashtray has probably been around for awhile...hmm...didn't they ban smoking on airlines in the 70's?

Apparently you do not have to worry about being late for an Air India flight.Good news if you're the ONE late person, bad news if you're the ENTIRE REST OF THE PLANE. We were supposed to leave at 7:25pm right...we left at 8pm "because we're waiting for another passenger". Ai adai...it had better be Mahatma Ghandi himself to keep us waiting that long.

After reaching our cruising altitude I was treated to my first Bollywood movie.Which I have to say I was pretty impressed with, I can see why this stuff is becoming so popular the world over. It was a funny little flick about 4 mental patients called Krazzy 4. Granted it might not have been so politically correct in the West but we get uptight about that kind of thing too much anyways if you ask me. I dunno if you'd call it a comedy or a musical though cuz every now and then they'd suddenly burst into song and dance routines which were unexpected but quite catchy.

Eventually the steward came around asking if I'd like a drink, he suggested a whiskey...well shoot, if you're buyin I say, why not. So he asks "how many do you want, 3, 4?" and I'm thinking wow, this guy wants to get me drunk so I say "I think two should be sufficent". It wasn't until the end of the flight as I was slipping into a dehydrated coma that I realized why he asked how many I wanted...cuz that's the ONLY time you will see his ass, so you'd better get while the gettins good.

Finally our trusty old plane landed in New Delhi...at midnight (it was supposed to be there at 7pm). Ah well...little did I know that this was only going to be the beginning of the patience building exercise that is traveling in India. But stay tuned for more on that later...

Air India Quote of the Day:

"Would all passengers seated in rows 18 through 32 please board the plane at this time, that's rows 18 through 32! If you are not seated in rows 18 through 32 please remain seated and wait to board the aircraft until we call your row...Thank you for your cooperation."

Cold Showers

2008-05-17T18:15:00.003+10:00

Ok, while I haven't gone quite as far as Ed suggested we should in terms of modifying our lifestyle (I am still using toilet paper..i found the banana leaf lacked the necessary amount of absorbancy) but we have turned off the water heater. Which, of course means cold showers but hey, its the tropics and its like 90 degrees everyday so obviously it hasn't been as bad as I originally thought. I find a nice cold shower in the morning, and relatively speaking it is pretty cold in the morning, is more effective at waking me up than any cup of coffee could be.

But as the power rates continue their moon bound trend it seems that this will be more of the norm for most folks...I seem to remember bradinthesand posting something recently about his "No Hot Water or Air Con Month" idea. So in a show of solidarity to all the cold shower people on Saipan and around the world...and in an effort to keep with the idea that its better to laugh at the hard times than cry about them, I offer you this quite humorous and VERY true look at men and women in the shower.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
· Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
· Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
· Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
· Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, longloofah, wide loofahand pumice stone.
· Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
· Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
· Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
· Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
· Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
· Rinse conditioner off hair.
· Shave armpits and legs.
· Turn off shower.
· Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
· Spray mold spots with Tilex.
· Get out of shower.
· Dry with towel the size of a small country.
· Wrap hair in super absorbent towel..
· Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
· Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
· Walk naked to the bathroom.
· If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
· Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
· Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
· Get in the shower.
· Wash your face.
· Wash your armpits.
· Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
· Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
· Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
· Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
· Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
· Pee.
· Rinse off and get out of shower.
· Partially dry off.
· Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
· Admire wiener size in mirror again..
· Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
· Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
· Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great cold shower! Oh,and....woowoo!!!

The Wow That One Really Came Back to Bite Me Quote of the Day:

CUC Executive Director Antonio Muna, “The new rates might come as a shock for the residential customers, but the only solution to it for now is some modification to their lifestyle.”

WWGCD?

2008-05-09T15:28:00.002+10:00

Recently I received a comment from an anonymous poster who was, shall we say, less than thrilled with my HaoHao Haole posting, which I can't say I'm overly surprised at, I thought it was possible it could raise some hackles. Although I figured with my regular minuscule pool of readers it wouldn't be that big of a deal. That is of course, until Turbitt went and wrote a post on his blog about it and posted a link, suddenly traffic to my little parody doubled and with that added exposure came the slightly angry post to which I am alluding.

anonymous said...
Bryan, your comments are not very funny at all. At least Greg Cruz is doing something. All the Hao Hao Haoles ever do is hang out in their Hao Hao Haole hangouts and never really get to understand the culture and people from the local perspective. I noticed everyone who has responded to your blog has enjoyed it thus far. It must be nice to part of the "White Elite" of Saipan. But, you know, its ok, Say what you want, act how you act, but dont be surprised when someone walks up to anyone of on the street and knocks you flat on your ass. Not every "Haole" is like you.

So after reading this threatening post I thought to myself now WWGCD? (What Would Greg Cruz Do? and yes handmade bracelets with those letters will be on sale in a store near you soon with proceeds to benefit the Miura defense fund) And of course the answer was obvious, he'd write a response! Though his would probably take the form of a letter to the editor, since I have this neato little blog all set up from whence I can spew my personal propaganda I decided I'd just as well post it here, so here goes:

First off anonymous says "At least Greg Cruz is doing something". Now, let me clarify by saying that I never mentioned the name of Greg Cruz except to say at the end that he was my inspiration for posting the "HaoHao Haole Manifesto". And I guess I don't really see what's wrong with being someone's inspiration.

But second in response to that I'd like to ask "Really?" no I mean...REALLY? What exactly is the guy doing? I mean I see he's writing letters to the editor and stirring up divisiveness and blowing a lot of hot air but what is he DOing? I mean I hear he's unemployed so he's got plenty of time on his hands, at least he could be volunteering with Beautify CNMI and picking up trash and planting trees or something, that's what I call getting your hands dirty and DOing something to help the island. And shoot, for all I know maybe he's done that, but somehow I doubt it cuz I'm sure it would have made the front page of the local papers since their reporters seem to think it's important to report everything this dude does. Tomorrows headline "GC Has 3 Bowel Movements in One Day" full story on page 2.

As for me...what have I been DOing? Well for the past four years I've been working with the CNMI Public School System teaching indigenous children (or NMD's) how to use technology so that they can hopefully, one day, get ahead in this world. I like to focus on how they can use the internet to broaden their horizons and look beyond their small island. But not so that they can forget about it, exactly the opposite, so that they can go out into the virtual world and learn from that vast body of information which is right there at their fingertips. I pray they'll learn from other's mistakes as well as their successes and use that knowledge to make them better more well rounded and educated citizens of this commonwealth. To hopefully encourage this rising generation to respect their elders, culture and heritage but to look beyond some of the old ways and to challenge the status quo that has led us to these desperate and trying times.

Ai adai, I could go on...but once I get up on my soap box there's no tellin where it would end so I'll back slowly away from it now.

Getting back to the comment in question, however, there was one part of it which made me grin at the irony. Anonymous stated "I noticed everyone who has responded to your blog has enjoyed it thus far. It must be nice to [be] part of the "White Elite" of Saipan." Well lets just say that while I can't speak for lil hammerheads ethnicity I am 100% sure that the other three posters before you are all beautiful brown skinned islanders...so much for the "White Elite".

As to your violent threat "dont be surprised when someone walks up to anyone of on the street and knocks you flat on your ass." Well...I've been here almost 9 years and all I've ever gotten on the street have been wonderful smiles and that tangled local handshake which I'm still trying to work out.

Oh and you're right...not every "Haole" is like me...but they wish they were ;-P

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself Quote of the Day:

"I respect what your organization stands for but there’s the right way and the wrong way of doing things. Taotao Tano is an advocate of the people. The people meaning CNMI and U.S. citizens. There are outsiders with children born here making these children “the people” so act for them, too! Our government did it for the “stateless” and the issue in the media went away."

JOE CABRERA

Feelin Stimulated Yet?

2008-05-01T16:19:00.007+10:00

So, here's the question of the day: What's even more better than making fun of Greg Cruz and being a founding member of Hao Hao Haole? Well I'll tell ya...FREE MONEY! Yeah, that's right good (American) citizens of the CNMI we are included in that "lets give everyone a bunch of free cash so they can go out and blow it on stuff they don't need so we can jump start this crappy economy" idea that George and the Congressettes have been singing about.

Is this really such a good idea? you ask...well shhhhh. Number 1, we're only allowed one question of the day and we've already filled our quota, Number 2, I think there's some saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth or something and Number 3, YEAH this sounds like a stupid idea I mean how is giving everyone 600 bucks gonna suddenly restart an economy as mammoth as ours? I mean granted I'm no economist but there just seems to me that there must be some deeper issues than this "here son here's 600 dollars go buy yourself somethin nice...don't spend it all in one place now...but for the love of your country do go and spend it...all of it...like, now." mentality can fix.

It's like G Dubbya and the other Grand Poobahs were all sittin around in the Oval Office one day brainstormin (scary thought I know) about how to fix the nations economic woes when G Dub leans in and says (in your best George Bush accent) "Now listen here, mkay, I've got an idear...ya see...when ever I piss off one of the twins I just give em some cash and they're happier than a polygamist at a Miley Cyrus concert. So, I reckon if we give everyone in America like 600 bucks or somthin then they'll quit they're bitchin" To which everyone in the room heartily agreed.

Sooo, my fellow Americans here's when you can expect your bribe...er, I mean, payoff...no, hush money, wait that has kind of a negative ring to it too...
Ahhh...I've got it, maybe if we give it a sexy name then it will go down easier, cuz everyone knows that sex sells, So here, ladies and gentlemen is the schedule for your Economic Stimulus Act of 2008...meow

And NO, I am not making this chart up, it's directly off of the IRS website, you can check it if you don't believe me.

Top Ten Pieces Of Fatherly Advice From George W. Bush:
(From The Late Show With David Letterman)
10.
"You're coming to me for advice? Okay, that's mistake number one"
9.
"Do as I saying, not as I doing did"
8.
"At school, sit next to one of Dick Cheney's kids and copy off them"
7.
"You can't go through life getting arrested and making as ass out of yourself...just kidding"
6.
"Watch what you eat or you'll bloat up like Al Gore"
5.
"If you ever get in a jam, call my dad -- it's always worked for me"
4.
"Your mother is tired of your idiotic behavior and says you're a disgrace to this family...no, wait, that's what she said about me"
3.
"Remember the motto of my predecessor: it's only a crime if you get caught"
2.
"Never use a fake ID to buy hooch -- that's what secret service guys are for"
1.
"Keep up the good work, girls -- at this rate you'll be president some day"

HaoHao Haole

2008-04-21T16:25:00.003+10:00

So a friend of mine was telling me the other day that he has decided to start a group called HaoHao Haole on island, and well, since its his idea I guess that means he's the president...no, of course there were no elections, but I'm sure all of its members will agree that he should be president. Oh and did I mention that HaoHao Haole represents all the haole's on island. That's right all of the mainlanders in the CNMI will now be represented by the HaoHao Haole group, shoot, you don't even have to be white, see we're not racist, and no...I know you didn't ask for our representation you're just going to get it anyway.

So as the HaoHao Haole spokesperson, that's me, I just appointed myself...see how easy this is...I would like to question the blueness of the sky. That's right those of us on the HaoHao Haole board have decided that the sky over the CNMI has not been blue enough as of late and we feel that this is, of course, the governments fault and that they should look into this situation immediately as it may soon have some adverse effects on our most prized tourist industry.

But please, good haole people of the CNMI, do not think that we the people of the white, have arrived at this conundrum lightly. No, you see, among my many other talents I also happen to be a self appointed expert in sky blueness so I most certainly know what I am talking about when I self-righteously proclaim that God in his infinite wisdom has not made the sky over the CNMI blue enough over the past few weeks. And yes, I do know what a conundundrum is cuz I jus wrote dis myself, der ain't nobody tellin me what 2 rite. ;-)

So...since it's now public knowledge that we, the HaoHao Haole, represent all of the mainlanders on the island, I will be expecting the media to come to me for my most enlightened opinion on anything and everything that is going on anywhere within this good commonwealth. Because as the wise old saying goes "opinions are like haoles they're all assholes and they stink" no...wait...thats not it..."all haoles are opinionated assholes who stink"...hang on, somethings wrong with that one too..."assholes are like a haole's stinking opinion" nope, stilll not it...oh yeah! now I've got it..."opinions are like assholes every haole has one and they all stink"...hmm...that don't look exactly right either...hang on I'll get it....

My Muse and My Inspiration's Quote of the Day:

"Majority of foreigners and human rights advocates in our homeland cried “wolf” and the elephant came."

-Gregorio Cruz Jr.
President TaoTao Tano

Who Could it Be??

2008-04-18T07:45:00.005+10:00

Marianas Variety
Friday April 18, 2008

No islandwide blackout

SAIPAN will not suffer an islandwide blackout today, according to the Commonwealth Utilities Corp. which announced yesterday that it had secured 3,500 barrels of fuel.

This fuel supply will last until Friday next week.

“We’re safe,” CUC Executive Director Anthony C. Guerrero said in an interview. "I don’t know who’s spreading all the rumors [about an islandwide blackout] but I don’t think that blackout is an option.”

Uhhhh....let's see...

Marianas Variety
Tuesday April 15, 2008

CUC may run out of fuel on Friday

COMMONWEALTH Utilities Corp. Executive Director Anthony C. Guerrero yesterday said the island may be without power on Friday if CUC can’t buy enough fuel.

According to Guerrero, “We have basically six days supply [of fuel] left.”

Gee Mr. Executive Director, after you track down the culprit behind these vicious rumors maybe you and O.J. should team up to find the "real killer".

The Juice's Quote of the Day:

The day you take complete responsibility for yourself, the day you stop making any excuses, that's the day you start to the top.
-O.J. Simpson

Name That Tune!

2008-04-17T18:03:00.005+10:00

...and now back to the silly stuff...

Yeah, you know me, I couldn't stay all downtrodden for too long. Especially not with all the funny stuff out there to keep ya chuckling. A friend sent me this the other day and it was definitely good for a laugh, so of course, I thought why not share with the rest of the world...or at least for the folks who check my blog on a regular basis. So here, for the both of you, is a little something called "Name that Tune!" ...sponsored by Microsoft Office 2007...

Spoken Like A True Alcoholic Quote of the Day:

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."

Joe E. Lewis

...and with that, I'm off to Godfathers for happy hour ;-)

I Got Nothin...

2008-04-09T16:28:00.003+10:00

Yeah...I got nothin. I mean I'm really trying to keep lighthearted and upbeat but as of late, it just ain't been happening. I think the constant random power outages are finally starting to get to me. My classroom's been powerless for at least a couple hours every day this week. I went to Garapan last night and the whole town was just dark...and hot, it was kinda sad. Add that to the fact that I just got back from a fantastic vacation in Bali AND the recent news that we PSS teachers may be "furloughed" for the month of August, there's just not a whole lot round here to celebrate. I looked up the word "furlough" in the dictionary and the synonyms were: lay off, unpaid leave, and unemployment...see why I'm having trouble smiling?

There was one bright spot I found today, which actually was what instigated me to write this post. I came across, what I considered, an exceptional quote of the day today and thought to my self "self, you have got to share this quote on your blog" and so I am.

Hold Your Head Up Things Are Bound to Get Better, Optimistic Quote of the Day:

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

Tit for Tat

2008-03-16T21:11:00.003+10:00

Here's a juicy little tidbit fresh off the Saipan rumor mill. You know that Japanese businessman/tour operator who was arrested for raping a tourist last week...well apparently the poor sap is innocent and this is just the latest battle in a long running feud between this fella and some other Japanese businessman/real estate tycoon who was, shall we say, a tad miffed, over a certain business deal.

Apparently, and this is mostly hearsay, but it's gotta be at least somewhat true cuz hey, you just can't make this stuff up, but apparently to tell the whole story you gotta back the truck up to about a year ago when Japanese real estate tycoon dude showed up on Saipan and employed the services of Japanese tour operator dude (since you don’t tell names and tales too we’ll just identify them as thus for now).

Evidently real estate tycoon dude made a reservation with tour agency dude for a high dollar straight pimpin penthouse crib at the Nikko for something like six months. Well as you can imagine when it came time for the bill it was somewhere in the 100’s of thousands of dollars…but apparently real estate tycoon dude doesn’t have as good an imagination as my loyal readers so he was somewhat peeved at having run up such an astronomical tab and felt he had been overcharged.

So, doing what any respectable 44-year-old Japanese businessman/real estate tycoon dude would do…he and his supposedly yakuza connected Japanese business partner dude took tour operator dude out to a strip club to drink excessively, touch boobies and, oh yeah, of course, talk business.

Well after a while of this they apparently decided that a strip club was not a very conducive environment for discussing serious business and elected to head to Suicide Cliff, a spot we would all agree is much better suited for such transactions. (???) Upon arrival, surprise, surprise, they proceeded to beat the stink out of tour operator dude with a baseball bat, demanding that he either A.) pay them $250,000 or B.) jump off the cliff (ahh…decisions, decisions).

Lucky for tour operator dude however, a randy Korean tour operator dude and his “friend” decided to show up at the cliffs for some 3am “stargazing” (yeah right, I think you can read between the lines there) and scared off the real estate tycoon and yakuza dude. They graciously took the tour operator to the hospital where a CHC nurse informed police of the beating.

Needless to say, business tycoon guy was arrested and while the criminal charges seem like they won’t really amount to much…enter opportunistic bloodsucking lawyer who informs our now black and blue tour operator that he can sue real estate tycoon for some of those big tycoon dollars, or yen…as the case may be. And tour operator dude who apparently doesn’t know when to take a hint and just leave things be decides that this is a great idea and proceeds with civil litigation.

Well obviously no rich businessman is going to take an assault on his money laying down…but he knew someone who would…enter opportunistic slut-for-hire. This is where it really gets salacious…

According to rumor, Japanese real estate tycoon dude hired a woman and her friend to come here from Japan as innocent tourists through the tour company of, who else, but our hapless, though somewhat dim-witted Japanese tour operator dude. This woman and her friend then proceeded to have a big night out on the town with Mr. Gullible…er I mean…tour operator dude and conspired to seduce him (a tough job I’m sure) and lead him to “know” her in a Biblical sense of the word like as Adam knew Eve.

Sooo…you can imagine our dense tour operators surprise when he was arrested a while later on charges of sexual assault and rape. In the words of the immortal Homer Simpson…Doh!

So here’s how things stand as of press time for this blog…Japanese tour operator dude had finally gotten bail reduced from $60,000 to $6,000 and after a few days of sitting in the pokey was finally able to get out, whilst real estate tycoon dude waits for his day in court on both the criminal and civil charges for the beating.

What happens next in this uniquely Saipan epic is anyone’s guess…

Ah-ha Moment of the Day:

Ok now go back and read the title of this post.

Web Hit Whore

2008-03-15T11:03:00.006+10:00

In taking a page from Angelo's book I've decided to become a "Hit Whore", if you will, and see how many visits I can get by blogging about something salacious. And what could be more outrageous than the current scandal surrounding the former governor of New York and his expensive "visits" with high end call girl Ashley Alexandra Dupré.

Actually what got me interested in this besides my shameless curiosity, was that I heard that this girl was an aspiring musical artist and that she had a song out on a radio station in New York City as a result of all the attention she had been getting. So I thought it'd be interesting to hear the song and of course since I had that interest I figgered there'd be some others out there who would like to hear what kind of music a high dollar hooker can produce. So, here freshly ripped from her myspace page is Ashley Alexandra Dupré's ~~hit~~ song.

Yeah, so I dunno if you bothered to listen to the whole thing or not I mean honestly it's not really all that catchy so I don't really see this thing going anywhere. In fact, according to mtv.com the song has been pulled from rotation on Z100 in NYC after only a couple of days.

Ashley Alexandra Dupré (born Ashley Youmans), the alleged call girl known as "Kristen" at the center of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitution scandal, appeared to hit it big yesterday, when her song "What We Want" was added to Z100's playlist.

"Z100 is all about playing what's hot, and we can't think of anything hotter than a song from the woman at the center of the scandal that took down the governor of New York," Tom Poleman, senior vice president of programming at the New Jersey-based radio station, said in a statement released Thursday. "On top of that, it's not a bad song. Looks like she may have a new career; this time in music."

But just as fast as Spitzer vacated his post, Dupré's song has now been reeled in at Z100. As of Friday afternoon, the track — a pulsating dance number that sounds like it was scraped from the cutting-room floor of a J. Lo recording session — was being playing sparingly on Z100, but not nearly with as much regularity as it had the day before.

Ah well...thank God for looks huh. Speaking of which, when I first saw her picture I thought she bore a striking resemblance to Sandra Bullock, don't ya think?

So...this is what it's like to join in on a media frenzy. Now lets see what it does for my hit traffic...hmm...somehow I now feel kinda dirty.

Letterman's Top Ten of the Day:

Top Ten Surprises During Eliot Spitzer's Resignation

Entered to the sounds of Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'"
Opening line: "Are you a cop?"
Spent two minutes seductively stroking the microphone
Reaffirmed his policy of "Bro's before Ho's"
His decision not to wear pants
Admitted he also once made out with former Governor Pataki
Credited downfall to fast-paced lifestyle of Albany
He was kinda pitchy, dawg
Said he thought the Emperor's Club was a Chinese restaurant
When reporters asked how much he paid per hour, his wife said, "Believe me, he doesn't need an hour"

We're in the No Smoking Section...for now

2008-03-12T21:13:00.007+10:00

Like a chain smoker in a family restaurant our fuming neighbor to the north continues to spew forth its debris. And depending on the omniscient forces of the winds we either suffer in its cloud or breathe easy under clear skies. Fortunately the prevailing breezes have been on our side for the past week or so and we have remained blissfully unaware of the maelstrom to our north.

NASA however, did take notice of our resident volcano and even went so far as to photograph it from space and do a little write up about it. Perhaps this picture will help to clarify what I was talking about in my Saipan Stinks post regarding the odoriferous volcanic haze.

Image Acquired: March 05, 2008

Activity on Anatahan
On March 5, 2008, the plume from the Anatahan Volcano appeared to intensify. The Moderate Resolution Imaging Spectroradiometer (MODIS) on NASA’s Terra satellite took this picture the same day. One day earlier, the plume blew away from the volcano toward the northeast. On March 5, the plume hovered over the volcano’s summit, thick enough to completely hide the volcanic island from view. The plume’s position in this image could result from a wind shift, or a burst of volcanic activity shortly before the satellite passed overhead.

If you click on the picture it will take you to a MUCH larger version which shows a surprising amount of detail. I was also impressed with how clearly our beautiful turquoise lagoon shows up from space.

Random One-Liner of the Day:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

The Kat!??

2008-03-11T16:01:00.010+10:00

Sit down, buckle your seatbelt and hold on to your fairydust tinkerbell cuz I don't do it very often but I'm about to go on a rant...

So apparently 97.9 The Rock will now be known as 97.9 The Kat, I mean I can't say I didn't see it coming since they had basically already changed the format a month or so ago when I completely quit listening but "The Kat"!? Hmm...I guess they needed a lameass name to go with their new lameass format. Well, I'll offer them a big congratulations on suck-ceding in that. I dunno...maybe I'm all alone here but a radio station on this little island that plays nothing but music from the 50's 60's and 70's?? Is that really what the majority of people want to hear around here?

I'll admit The Rock was pretty much my default station on my car radio and while it wasn't as good as some of the satellite stations which I can get at home over the internet, it was at least decent some of the time. I think they even had a liner one time which said something like "You're listening to the Rock 97.9...we suck less", which I thought was pretty dead on. But, it would seem that Sorenson in it's great wisdom decided not only to let Daddy Long Legs and his brother get away (boneheaded mistake #1) but it then decided to change the format of a station which, with a little work, could have been pulling in a decent audience.

Both of my dedicated readers will remember that in one of my previous posts I revealed that I am a child of the late 80's/early 90's so it should not come as too much of a surprise that I would MUCH prefer to hear rock from (in your best announcer voice) "the 80's, 90's and today". And while I got nothing but love for the "classic" rock, I mean groups like CCR, The Beatles, Doors, Hendrix, and Lynard are timeless and they certainly have their place. But these d00ds over at The Pussy...er I mean Kat are purr-ferring to play Barry Manilow, Neil Diamond and other random B-side crap from that era that certainly no one from my generation has ever heard of...or really wants to hear, period. But then again...maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, in the Variety article today the management "conducted a survey on Guam and learned that most of the respondents prefer a classic rock format which is also popular among the listeners in the U.S." Gee ain't that just peachy...I guess that means we over here in SAIPAN get stuck with whatever the majority of folks want in GUAM...is anyone else feeling me here or am I being to SUBTLE?

Well, so as not to be misunderstood on exactly what I think of the new format of 97.9 I've spent some of my valuable time coming up with some alternative names and liners for our new feline themed radio station.

"You're listening to 97.9 The Anal Vacuum, cuz we suck a$$!"

“Keep it tuned here to 97.9 The AM Radio, cuz that's where we belong"

"We are 97.9 The Adult Diaper cuz we're designed for the elderly and we're full of S%*t”

Does anyone else out there have any suggestions for Saipan's latest greatest reincarnation? If so then please feel free to share them with the rest of us in the comments section. I can't wait to see what yall come up with.

When Ipod Tried to Kill the Radio Star

Sucking Quote of the Day:

“The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly' meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks' meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.”

-Larry Hardiman

“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.”
teardrop

-Jack Handy

Guamania...(a repost)

2008-02-29T17:20:00.004+10:00

First of all let me say a big SORRY to everyone out there who so anxiously wanted to see the Steven Colbert clip from my Mmm...Chamorro post but was unable to. So in an attempt to remedy that little snafu I've uploaded the clip to YouTube and have posted it here for all of your viewing pleasure. Bon Apetit..

I dunno what the deal is but YouTube seems to be a lot more reliable in delivering on demand video than the Blogger in house system, which seems weird cuz they're both owned and operated by Google!? Ah well..."Whatever" :-P

5/17/2008
Sorry dudes and dudettes...I just got an email from YouTube saying that they had to pull this clip because of "a third-party notification by Viacom International Inc. (corporate assholes) claiming that this material is infringing" to which I reply WHAT-THE-F**K-EVER!

Another Random One Liner of the Day:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Happy Bissextile Day!

2008-02-29T15:14:00.007+10:00

Bet ya that title caught your attention didn't it?...ya pervs... Well, sorry to be the salacious buzz killer but unfortunately Bissextile has nothing to do with one's sexual preferences, in fact it has nothing to do with sex at all...so, now that I've probably lost over three quarters of my audience I'll continue.

Bissextile is actually the official name of the leap day we add every four years to keep our calendar in sync. Hence my title "Happy Bissextile Day", it just sounded so much more intriguing than "Happy Leap Day".

The MacMillan Dictionary actually breaks it down like this:

bissextile adjective
referring to a leap year
bissextile noun [C]
a leap year
bissext (also bissextus) noun [C]
February 29th, the extra day in a leap year

Incidentally... Bissext is also often referred to as "Ladies Day." This is because of the old tradition that women are allowed to propose marriage to men not only on Leap Year Day (2/29) but throughout the entire Leap Year. This tradition can be traced back to an old Irish legend concerning St. Patrick and St. Bridget in the 5th Century.

Bridget complained that her nuns were upset because they never had a chance to propose marriage. (Note: At this time, the celibacy rule in religious orders was based on personal private vows and not a requirement by the church.) So, Patrick suggested that the women be given this privilege every 7 years. This wasn't good enough for Bridget. She said it should be every 4 years! So, Patrick compromised and obliged the women by saying that they could have Leap Year. Patrick felt this showed just how passive women were expected to be in those days. Much to his surprise, Bridget then proposed to him! Patrick declined her proposal. Instead he promised to give her a silk gown and a kiss.

So... in the British Isles during the Middle Ages there was an unwritten law that stated every single man who turned down a woman's proposal during Leap Year had to compensate her with a kiss plus either a silk gown or a pair of gloves.

All of which begs the question, Why doesn't a woman have to compensate a man when she flat rejects him!?

Another weird term associated with this unusual day is the noun "leapling", used to refer to a person born on February 29th. They even have their own website (of course who doesn't these days) found at leapling.com.

Geez...how bad would it suck to be born on February 29th? I mean, not only would you only have a birthday every four years, but you could also be referred to as a Bissextile Leapling. I reckon if your folks weren't married when you popped out you'd be a Bissextile Leapling Bastard.

As if you haven't been force fed enough useless bissextile trivia for one day...(ah well it only happens once every four years so deal with it) but funny enough I found out that rapper Ja Rule is a Bissextile Leapling. I'm unsure as to his parents matrimonial status at the time of his birth so it looks like I'll have to leave off that last bit.

By the way...if you're out tonight and you bump into someone who seems to be going at it just a little harder than the rest of the crowd, it's probably a Leapling. Apparently their motto is "Party like it happens only once every four years!"

So hold on to yer butts Saipan cuz it's shaping up to be a crazy bissextile night. The volcanic haze is back with a vengence, there's a Navy ship in, the Leaplings will be out in force and there's live reggae at the Hard Rock.

Whoa...I just had a scary thought, what if there's a leapling among the sailors?? If there is then I can already see tomorrow's headline "Leapling Sailor Parties Himself Into Coma". I mean think about it...you only get to celebrate your birthday once every four years and you've been cooped up on some ship for like 6 months...yikes.

Random One Liner of the Day:

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Mmmm...Chamorro

2008-02-22T15:23:00.007+10:00

Y'all might remember about a year ago when there was a little bit of talk going around about the Congresswoman from Guam, Madeline Bordallo, appearing on the Colbert Report. Well, seeing as our television schedule with the consumer friendly monopoly KMCV is so assbackwards I was able to hear all about the program and then sit down and actually watch it a week later, and let me just say folks...I cried.

I mean seriously...I was laughing so hard there were tears of sheer laughter running down my face. It has to be one of the best Colbert reports that ole Steven has ever done, you could tell he was just "on" as he was interviewing her. So here in a "Whatever" blog exclusive (seriously you can't find this anywhere else) I proudly present to you the Colbert report on Guamania.

The other thing that cracks me up about this is that, being someone who's lived out here for some time now, I've had many similar conversations with people that went something like this when talking about where I lived. Whether it be on the plane, at family gatherings or when trying to rent a car with my homemade looking drivers license...the look of "yeah...sure...you're part of the States!?" appears without fail.

But the reality is that the average American Joe on the street has no IDEA where or who we are out here, as can be evidenced by Colbert's comment that there are 4 "protectorates". I'm assuming those would be Guam, American Samoa, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. Apparently the CNMI didn't make the list. But you know what...all things considered I'm totally cool with that cuz I love telling people about Saipan. I sat next to a guy on a flight back in October when I went home for a week and he just seemed so intrigued to learn about our island, we must have talked about the CNMI for the whole four hour flight from Richmond to Minneapolis. And towards the end of the trip when I asked him about what it was like in his home state of South Dakota all he could say was "well it's not near as interesting as Siam".

So yeah, granted, we still got some PR to do but, for me at least, its a labor of love. :-)

Pacific Island Jokes of the Day:

A Chamorro man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Chamorro man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Chamorro man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen here par - when I was born, I was BROWN,"
When I grew up, I was BROWN,
When I'm sick, I'm BROWN,
When I'm cold, I'm BROWN,
When I die, I'll be BROWN."
But lania brat, you are something different...
"When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow up, you're WHITE,
When you're sick, you're GREEN,
When you go in the sun, you turn RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
And when you die, you turn PURPLE."
AND YOU HAVE THE FRIGGIN NERVE TO CALL ME COLORED?"

Two Chamorro women are walking down the street. One notices A compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second says, "Here, let me see!" So the first one hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!""

" A Chuukese, A Yapese and a Pohnpeian were in a car. Who was driving????
Answer: A DPS Officer.. "

Ok, you gotta admit these are funny but if you are offended please don't be mad at me I didn't write them so send your hate mail here

Saipan Stinks!

2008-02-14T15:59:00.007+10:00

NOOO...don't worry, I'm not trying to start Saipan bashing like whoever that guy is over at the Saipan sucks website. I'm actually being quite literal, for the past couple of days Saipan has truly stunk and anyone who lives here will wholeheartedly agree with me on this. It smells like a 75-year-old man's ass who eats nothing but eggs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The Saipan Tribune referred to it in today's paper as "The characteristic smell of sulfur-like rotting eggs and an open sewer." Nice one Ferdie!

Ok, I'll stop being so cryptic, the real reason Saipan smells so bad at the moment is because we have a volcano about 75 miles to the north of us, called Anatahan, which apparently has eaten some bad Mexican food. It's been spewing forth a noxious combination of gases which, thanks to the recently prevailing winds, have been flowing right over our lovely little slice of paradise.

(oops...sorry Angelo, I forgot I'm supposed to be doing my part for tourism...
..don't reckon this is helping much...)

Here's a picture of the "volcanic haze" which has been stinking up the place.
I totally stole this off of the Saipan Tribune website...nice shot though Jackie, I love the sign!

But, in an attempt to see the glass as half full, there are some silver linings to this gray cloud of stench. For one, you can now feel free to fart with impunity. Or at least you no longer have to worry about blaming it on the cat. I mean think about it, if the whole place smells like one big air biscuit then who's going to notice if you just let a little butt burp off the leash? That is, of course, assuming you're skillful enough to keep the noise level down.

The other bright side to this revolves around this whole argument of geological validation which I was trying to explain to my wife. She, like most women, has what seems to me an almost aberrant phobia of flatulence. And the point I was trying to make, while out on our balcony engulfed in it's perfume, was that if even mother Earth gets gas which she must expel from time to time then its only natural that we humans should feel free to do so as well.

I don't think she bought it...although I do think she believes that truly was the volcano which just blew through here a second ago...sweet...

Fun Fart Facts of the Day:

(Oh you just knew I was gonna do something like this)

What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

(and you thought I was gonna post something sweet for Valentines Day didn't you? Well...SIKE!)

You Grew Up In The Late 80's/Early 90's If...

2008-02-12T08:46:00.000+10:00

Ahhh...the good ole days, when our War's were Cold and our Wheels were Hot. When all you had to worry about was building forts by the creek and making sure you didn't get hit in the eye with a BB pellet. (reminiscent sigh) Man how I miss those days. So, in order to pay homage to those simpler times I present to you some highlights from a selection entitled "You Know You Grew Up in the Late 80's/Early 90's If..."

You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

You know the profound meaning of " WAX ON , WAX OFF"

You wanted to be a Goonie.

You ever wore fluorescent clothing.

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

Ahh...The silly things we did before the enlightenment age of the IPod.

(Is it just me or is this guy wearing a Daniel Boone style coon-skin hat with his jump suit?)

You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

You just sang those words to yourself.

You had a pair of stone washed "cargo'' jeans...I dunno if they were really called that but I had a pair that I LOVED, lol.

You remember "Where's the Beef?"

You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

You're still singing shot through the heart in your head

80's Joke of the Day:

Q: Where did the cantaloupe take his vacation?
A: John Cougar's Melon Camp

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A: Michael Jackson was burned using Pepsi and Richard Pryor was burned using Coke.

The Popping Seeds of Saipan

2008-02-01T18:21:00.000+10:00

This was so cool I thought I just HAD to write about it. You see I've been substituting for a fifth grade teacher who's been out on maternity leave for the past three weeks and, as always, I learned a thing or two during my tenure there. This time around the kids showed me something after 8 years of living here I had never seen on this island. They introduced me to the Popping Seed of Saipan. I searched the internet trying to find out their real name but I could not find it anywhere and I was so intrigued by this little firecracker that I made a video of it and have posted it here for your enjoyment.

So tell those Grinches on the Hill they can go ahead and ban our Christmas fireworks...who needs them anyways...we'll just GROW OUR OWN!

Seed Jokes of the Day:

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
–Steven Wright

What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? "OH LOOK!!! Donut seeds."

“They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.”
-Ernest Hemingway

I FUGUed...And Survived

2008-01-27T18:39:00.000+10:00

After many years of restless anticipation, last week I was finally able to sit down to a meal that could potentially kill me. That's right I ate raw (as in uncooked), possibly poisonous (as in it-kill-you-you-dead), blowfish (as in Hootie and the ___). Why, you ask, would I take my life into my hands for something so trivial as a meal of raw fish? Well I suppose the answer could be summed up by the ancient Japanese saying:

 Those who eat fugu soup are stupid.
But those who don't eat fugu soup are also stupid.

That was real deep, I know, but I swear to you I am not making that up...that's really their
traditional saying on this issue so I'm just gonna go with that. I mean let's face it a culture that's like over 1000 years old must know what their talking about, right...right?

Well according to Wikipedia, fugu contains lethal amounts of the poison tetrodotoxin in the internal organs, especially the liver and ovaries, and also the skin. Therefore, only specially licensed chefs are allowed to prepare and sell fugu to the public, and the consumption of the liver and ovaries is forbidden. However, a number of people die every year from consuming improperly prepared fugu.

This tetrodotoxin stuff makes cyanide look like a Jolly Rancher since it's a whopping 1250 times more potent (more potent than cyanide not the Jolly Rancher...smartass), shoot, one website even claimed that simply touching the fish wrong could kill you. The poison, a sodium channel blocker, paralyzes the muscles while the victim stays fully conscious, first they experience a numbing of the lips and tongue, then a growing paralysis of the body, headaches, gastric pain, vomiting and convulsions. It's not all bad though, app arently you do get the consolation prize of a "light and floaty " feeling. Then boys and girls, after 4-6 fun filled hours of this, death occurs from asphyxiation.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that there's no known antidote? Hmm...had I known all this before partaking of this murderous meal I may have had some second thoughts. But since ignorance is bliss I happily dug in and ate my fill only to be slightly surprised at the taste...or lack thereof. I mean certainly a food with such an evil reputation would have an equally wicked flavor to go with it...right?

But alas, this was not to be, as the much hyped fugu, in this ignorant gaigin's (Japanese for "foreigner") mind tasted like a chewy piece of...something chewy. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad at all, in fact the sauce which we were dipping it in was great and I was beyond thrilled at finally having the opportunity to partake, but when taken on its own the mighty blowfish deflated on the taste buds.

So then why the attraction? I mean, who is the salesman behind a dining experience which is somewhat bland, expensive, (this stuff goes for $200 a plate in Japan) and potentially fatal? Whoever it is should be selling refrigerators to Eskimos instead of trying to titillate thrill seeking diners in the extreme sports of cuisine. Although, true connoisseurs would be mighty miffed at my take on it being slightly bland I just didn't see it.

Or maybe its something altogether different than the flavor that drives people, myself included, to the fugu's table, possibly the attraction lies in the allure of the poison itself. The possibility, be it ever so minute, that this could be my last meal. The idea of dancing with the devil by the pale moonlight, that sense of staring death dead in the eye...and chewing.

Or perhaps, to quote an ancient Japanese saying, we're all just stupid.

Hozumi and I about to engage in the Russian Roulette of dining.

Homer Simpson Quote of the Day:

(Homer looks over the menu.)
Homer: There’s got to be something I haven’t tried. Huh? Hey, hey, what’s this? Fugu!
Akira: (Gasps.) It is a blowfish, sir. But I should warn you that one—
Homer: Come on, pal. Fugu me!

(Homer, at the hospital after eating some poisoned blowfish.)
Homer: (Imitating Lisa) Try something new, Homer! What'll it hurt you, Homer? (Regular voice) I never heard of a poison pork chop!

OK OK...there's just wayy too many good quotes here...You just GOTTA watch this, at least the first 4 and a half minutes worth, they are truly hilarious, then it just gets kinda stupid...unless you like Todd Sweeney, whoever that is.

What You Think You Saw You Did Not See

2008-01-19T17:22:00.000+10:00

I dunno if some of you have seen this thing floating around cyberspace but it's pretty trippy.

If your brain works normally , which automatically rules a few of you out, this is really pretty neat.

This is an example of an optical illusion.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating dot, the dots will remain all one color, pink.

(Ok, for some reason this is not working in the blog so you need to right click the picture then open in new window, then follow these directions.)

However, if you stare at the black "+" in the center, the moving dot turns green.

Now, concentrate only on the black "+" in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will see only a single green dot rotating.

It's amazing how our brain works...or doesn't...as the case may be... There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough that we don't always see what we think we see.

Brain Joke of the Day:

Woman's Brain

A man went to the doctor's because he suffered from terrible headaches.
The doctor gave him a full exam and shook his head.
"I'm sorry," the doctor said, " You have an inoperable brain tumour and will need to have a brain transplant immediately. I can operate on you today but you'll need to pick out a brain."
The man followed the doctor into another room to pick out his brain.
"Okay," the doctor said, "the men's brains are over here and cost $100,000. Or you could get a woman's brain, over there, those cost $30,000. Pick which ever one you want."
The man could not help but ask, "Why such a difference in price between the male and the female brain?" "Well," the doctor replied, "you have to take into account that the female brain is used."

Man's Brain

oh yeah...100 points for anyone who can tell me where I got the inspiration for my title.

Gettin all Intellectual on ya

2008-01-09T12:13:00.000+10:00

I know, it's been two weeks since my last post and I feel really bad about it...really. But in my defense, not only has it been the holidays but, I have also been finishing up the last two classes for my Masters degree in Education from Framingham State College. Ohhh...Ahhh...impressed? Good, you should be, cuz these classes have been kicking my butt for the past two weeks nonstop. My cohort and I had Advanced Teaching Strategies and Research and Evaluation back to back, now talk about writing papers, holy hand cramps Batman, I think my right paw is going to be in traction for the next month. I have never written so many research papers and responses and reflections in both of my lifes combined.

Actually this has made me think of something, how about, just for kicks, I share with you a sample of some of the questions I had to answer before the Research and Evaluation course, just so you can see why I have wanted to give my writing brain a break for a few days.

So here we go, put your thinkin caps on cuz I'm about to pop open a can of intellectual whoop ass. But be forewarned, this is not going to be funny and some of you may think this is some of the most boring load of tripe you've ever read in a blog but others may find those thinking juices flowing and want write a response of your own to which I say "Bring it!".

Question #1:
Can you think of some other ways of knowing besides experience and reasoning? What are they? What, if any, are the limitations of these methods?

My Answer:

I would argue that our emotions to some limited extent help us in our “knowing”. Though emotions can be and really are quite fickle I believe they can nevertheless help us in validating our knowledge of something. For example if we do something which has been agreed upon by humanity in general as wrong, like stealing something which doesn’t belong to us, then we feel guilt over that act then that helps us to verify that this is in fact something that is not right. Even without being conditioned to have ideas of right and wrong we as humans in our innermost beings typically know these things (as in the knowledge of good and evil, to use biblical terminology) and our emotions are the projection of this knowledge.

Question #2:
"While certainty is appealing, it is contradictory to a fundamental premise of science." What does this mean? Discuss.

My Answer:

Well when I think back through the annals of science history we see that many times man has been “certain” of something only to find as the years pass and we advance in our knowledge that what had been deemed “fact” was in actuality complete fiction. Take the belief, or at the time the certainty, that the world was flat for an easy example. All the leading scientists of the time thought for certain that the world was indeed flat and that the sun revolved around the Earth. It certainly made plenty of sense based upon the world as man had always seen it, but of course, we found out later that it this was entirely wrong and we laugh at the utter ignorance of the so called scientists of the time. Only to miss the more important point that for all of our “advancements” in say 500 years what will cause men to look back at us and scoff at the ineptitude of our so called “scientists”?

Question #3:
Is there such a thing as private knowledge? If so, can you give an example?

My Answer:

I believe there is such a thing as private knowledge, as in the knowledge we have about ourselves that no one else can obtain. This is simply because no matter how close someone has been with us they have never been there for every event of our life, and even if they were there they may have interpreted the event different than we did. I think it’s the kind of knowledge which we allude to when we say things like “be honest with yourself” or when we refer to looking into one’s innermost being. It’s the kind of knowledge that I and only I have about myself and how I view the world around me. But it also seems to be a knowledge that is not very often recognized or especially thought out, we just know.

There...now...you feel any smarter? I know I sure do...

Thinking Quote of the Day:

"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it."
-Terry Pratchett

WHOA, OK, so hold up...before anyone tries to accuse me of suddenly taking this blog all high brow here's this:

"Philosophical cat admits he was only trying to think outside of the box"

Hmm...maybe thinking INSIDE the box is not always such a BAD thing...

The Man Song

2007-12-26T18:21:00.000+10:00

OK...this is just downright funny, and if you don't think it's especially funny then you're either:

Single, or
Been married less than two years

Oh yeah and Joy...be sure and tell BG (if it's ok with you of course) that I said thanks for making sure this got passed on to me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one, maybe we should start a support group...of course, we'd have to check and make sure it was OK with our wives first.

Don't worry, I got approval from the Boss...er...I mean, my Wife, before I posted this. Shoot...she told me I was only supposed to call her "boss" in private...now I'm really in trouble...

I Love My Wife Jokes of the Day:

LITTLE GIRL IN CHURCH: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life."

LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with too many chores. Don't discuss all your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Christmas Come Early

2007-12-21T15:49:00.000+10:00

Well...despite all my recent humbugedness I must admit that while it hasn't been the greatest holiday season, it has had some high moments so far...at least follicaly and gastrointestinaly.

Gastrointestinaly this holiday season has been great with the recent addition of two...that's right count em TWO new restaurants on Saipan. One of which I had been eagerly anticipating and one which snuck right up on me. As you may remember from a previous post I have been excitedly awaiting the arrival of Taco Bell since September and finally it has come. And just like God said on the 8th day after he made a run for the border for some pseudo-Mexican fast food "it was good". The other eatery is also something of a thrill ride (at least for those over the age of 80 it might be). What I'm alluding to is the new "360" rotating restaurant located in the UFO looking bit of the edifice formerly known as the Nauru building. Seriously though the atmosphere, service, price and most importantly the food were all quite good and I'm sure I'll be back sooner rather than later. And hey...if anyone ever tells you to sit and spin, you know where to go.

Follicaly, Christmas has come a little early as well. You may remember my Grownup Christmas List where my number one wish this year was for hair, as I am naturally somewhat challenged in that area, and well it came true! After I mainlined 60 cc's of Rogaine, Viola, the stuff started growing like mushrooms on poo! It was great, albeit somewhat short lived, you see it only lasted one night (kinda like Cinderella) but for that small slice of time I was on top of the world...cuz I had bangs! Not only that but it was brought to my attention that with copious amounts of untamed hair on my head I also have a striking resemblance to British heart throb and singer James Blunt.

Which, somehow, brings me to my very first blog poll ever. That's right, get ready cruel world cuz the "Whatever" blog is going interactive. And NO you don't get to vote on whether you think I look like James Blunt or not, I bet you'd like to, but I'm not going to give you that chance to burst my strangely gratifying little bubble about this. Instead, as a Christmas present from me to you, my loyal readers, what you get to do is sit back, relax and listen to two of James' (he told me to call him that) most popular songs and vote on which one you like the most. OK, ready? Good, now the two songs are "You're Beautiful" and "1973" both of which should show up in their entirety below. So enjoy the commercial free songs and be sure and vote to your right. Thanks! and Happy Holidays!

Things My Dad Never Had To Say To Me Joke of the Day:

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Not Worth Stealing

2007-12-18T14:47:00.000+10:00

Microsoft: Vista Piracy less than XP

Software giant Microsoft has stated that as per their research piracy of the Vista OS is much less compared to the pirated installations of Windows XP.

One of the primary reasons behind this is the anti piracy measures taken by the company to protect the recently launched Vista OS.

However, these measures have also been a pain for the genuine customers as they had to suffer at times due to company’s faults or activation server downtimes.

A company representative added: “Piracy rates are lower because it’s harder.”

Market experts have said that to make Vista harder to pirate, Microsoft is ending up annoying the genuine buyers of the OS.

Um..yeah… that’s an interesting way to spin it but in my opinion the reason no one wants to pirate the vaunted Vista OS is for the same reason that birds fly upside down in Rota/Poland/West Virginia (see previous post)…there’s nothing worth crapping on, or stealing in this case.

Because trust me, there were plenty of pre-releases and cracked versions of Vista floating around in the “what’s a copyright?” zone in the early stages and they were quite popular. But the proof of the pudding’s in the eating as they say and well, not even a side of spam and a generous slathering of our beloved Tabasco sauce could make Vista any more palatable.

Speaking of spam…this kinda reminds me of a car I once owned, when I was in high school my parents proudly bequeathed me this piece of shyt which they called a car so that I could drive myself to and from school. Lets just say the “big cheese” as we called the schoolbus, was way cooler than this “car”…and I use that term loosely. If this car had been a Transformer it would have resembled an unshaven homeless Michael Moore in robot form but in vehicle mode it was a sleek sexy 1983 Ford Fairmont and I’m sure I could have left this piece downtown at midnight with the keys in it and the windows rolled down and no one would have bothered to even knick a hubcap.

Which brings us back to the reason no one is stealing Windows latest offspring…cuz NO ONE WANTS IT…even for free!

But ahoy me hardies what’s this up ahead on the starboard tack, well shiver me timbers its Windows XP with the upcoming service pack 3 update, now THAT I’d be willing to board and pillage. Arrrgghh!

Yet More Vista Bashing Quotes of the Day:

Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)

Norton Anti-virus Complete System Scan Results: 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'

Reservation for Mary and Joseph on the 25th Please

2007-12-12T14:13:00.000+10:00

A hotel chain Tuesday said it was offering couples called Joseph and Mary in Britain, Ireland and Spain free accommodation this Christmas on proof of marriage and name.

Hotel chain Travelodge said husbands and wives matching their criteria would get a night's stay on the house, but with more home comforts than the humble stable of the Christian Nativity story.

The offer, appropriately, runs between Christmas Eve (December 24) to Twelfth Night (January 5, 2008).

"The phrase 'nothing room**' is something that resonates with us in the hotel business," said Travelodge operations director Jason Cotta.

"Therefore this year we have decided to evoke the true spirit of Christmas and invite Mary and Joseph couples as our guests."

A Travelodge spokeswoman said couples will have to be married and provide proof of identity and register their names at a special e-mail address.

Awww...ain't that sweet...such a heart warming little holiday human interest story, it almost makes me want to take down the "Bah Humbug" I put up in Christmas lights across my balcony. Almost...but not quite.

What I really wonder is if they would allow a Maria and a Jose to avail of the offer? If so it would seem only fair that if Maria and Jose had a baby Jesus (pron. Hay-Zeus) then they should get TWO nights free, don't ya think?

But seriously, what a brilliant and exceptionally creative move on the hotel's part. I mean free publicity out the proverbial wazoo and really, how many Mary and Joseph couples can there be? Factor in that they have to be traveling to those certain areas at that specific time and I'll bet you less than a dozen free rooms are given out...so, kudos to Travelodge.

I'm thinkin maybe, just maybe, some of the Saipan hotels could come up with a similar promotion. But seeing as how most of our tourists are Asian, the whole Mary and Joseph Christmas thing might not be a big draw. But what if we tweaked it a little, like for our Japanese market any Toyota Honda couple could stay one night for free. For our Korean tourists it could be the Soju Kim-Chee couple. Oh and for the Russian market it would have to be something like the Kalashnikov Sputnik family. Hmm...somehow I think you might have a better chance of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Three Wise Men (Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod) showing up than that last couple but who knows...it could happen.

**edited by blog author for clarity

Bad Christmas Joke of the Day:

Have you ever noticed how no matter where you go in the world people from one country/state/island or whatever tend to treat those from a neighboring country/state/island or whatever with, shall we say, some disdain? For example, here on Saipan we tend to poke fun at those from Rota as being somewhat backward (shoot even their speed bumps are inside out, they have something like speed ditches, but don't get me started) When I was younger I fondly remember making relentless fun of the Polish, and to this day I don't even really understand why. While back home in Virginia we ruthlessly rip on those poor souls who have the unfortunate plight of having to call West Virginia home.

So in keeping with the spirit of the holidays, here is a Christmas joke which you can use to lampoon any unsuspecting people group anywhere by simply filling in the blank with whomever your inferior neighbor might be.

"Why wasn't Jesus born in Rota/Poland/West Virginia?"
"Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

My Grown Up Christmas List

2007-12-05T19:46:00.000+10:00

OK, yes I stole this title from that sappy Amy Grant Christmas song, but trust me, my "Grown up Christmas List" is going to be a whole lot different from hers. In her song she claims to want things like world peace and no more wars and that everybody will love each other and blah blah, boo who, wah wah...if she were honest I bet what she really wants this Christmas is another hit song cuz let's face it Amy, its been a looong time since "Baby, Baby" hit the charts.

So here's where I get real and you can too, forget your warm and fuzzy peace on earth baloney this Christmas; and you can stuff that "Spirit of Giving" up your turkey's bunghole and bake it cuz for my Grown Up Christmas List it's all about the "Spirit of Give Me"! So, here's what I want for Christmas and Santa had better be taking note cuz if he don't deliver I'm baking Exlax into the cookies. Try sliding down chimney's loaded with laxatives fat man. Now get out that list and start scribbling cuz here goes:

1. Hair- Yeah, that's right I want hair for Christmas, lots and lots of hair, a full head of it in fact. I have never known what that is like and well frankly I'm tired of it. What did I do to deserve such a massive freakin forehead? The answer to that is NOTHING! I just got screwed genetically in that department and it pisses me off. Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to have these little things called bangs...instead of this retarded little peninsula of baby fluff I have running half the length of my cranium.

2. A Raise- As in an increase in my pay. I know, I've heard allll the excuses about how we're in tough times and the government's going broke and blah blah blah, but the bottom line is this, I'm about to get my Masters degree and I want my raise to go with it, you promised it, now deliver it..and no, I don't care if that means you can't send a board of education member to a Head Start conference in the states. wtf?

3. A Christmas Break- I dunno if you got the memo or not but you see teachers are supposed to get a buttload of time off at Christmas, of course we can't call it Christmas we have to call it Winter break cuz somehow calling it Christmas break is a dangerous mix of church and state, but what really peeves me here is that I don't get a whatever you wanna call it break cuz I've got to attend my last two Master's classes the entire time. All this so that I can receive a Master's degree which I will get no extra compensation for!

4. A Swiss made titanium wristwatch- Just like the one that was stolen right off my wrist in Thailand. Yeah talk about your talented pickpocket, I mean granted it was at night and there were a lot of people bumping about but still, to be able to actually strip a watch right off someone's arm without their knowledge is either a testament to how slick that little Thai dude was or how stupid this farang (Thai for white dude) was.

5. The Asus Eee PC- I've already admitted on this very blog numerous times my nerdiness and geeky affinity toward gadgets and this is certainly the latest greatest little doo dad you didn't know you wanted for Christmas till now. This phat little gizmo is one of the hottest items on the market this holiday season and I can see why. Weighing in at just under 2 lbs. and measuring just 7'' this little laptop is the perfect traveling companion. The shock proof 4 gig solid state hard drive is the epitome of durability. It packs an Intel CPU and chipset with 512 MB of RAM, built in speakers, microphone and camera. And with a battery which boasts a 3.5 hour charge what's not to love? Best of all, however is the price, since it runs on a solid Linux based operating system there's virutally no software costs so she's able to come in at a suggested retail price of $200. Problem is, since this little hottie is so, well, hot right now the laws of supply and demand kick in and she's fetching more like $350. Oh yeah and for all you parents out there, in my professional opinion, with its user friendly graphic interface on top of all the other goodies I've already mentioned this is the perfect little computer for kids!

6. A Solar/Wind Power Generator- FOR OBVIOUS REASONS! Friggin CUC...

7. A Small Caliber Rifle with Mounted Scope- For those two foot sewer rats which seem to move about with impunity around our little blue dumpster thingy. It's probably not even that the rats themselves are so big it's just that they have the biggest pair of balls I've ever seen on a rodent. I mean I can walk up with a bag of trash yelling and screaming like a yeti getting an anal probe with an un-lubed piece of PVC pipe and two or three of them will see me coming, look up, give a snort of derision and continue nibbling their morsel of filth. (and that movie "Ratatouille" can kiss my white, rat hating butt!)

8. And last but certainly not least for my final Grown Up Christmas Wish...I Wish People Would Shut the @#$K Up About Global Warming! I mean seriously, I don't know about you but I've had about enough already. I read an article the other day talking about how stressed younger children in the US and the UK are about this issue, I mean we think it's not affecting them but it is. This article claimed that even children who grew up during the height of the Cold War with all the bomb drills etc. weren't as tweaked out as the kids coming up during the "global warming scare". Maybe I'm retarded and if you think so that's fine, I've been called worse, usually by my wife, but I look at it this way: There were friggin glaciers sitting on top of New York City like 10,000 years ago, but are they there now...um, no...and why is that? Well it would seem to me that the evil "global warming" is to blame...or to praise...I guess it depends on your opinion of NYC. But regardless the ice has obviously continued to retreat back up to where it belongs...Canada...you know the home of such things as ice hockey, the ice luge and ice bobsledding and all those other ice sport things. SO, it would appear that "global warming" has been going on for somewhere in the range of 10,000 years but NOW all of a sudden it's OUR fault? And even if it is, who cares? So we lose a few polar bears...have you ever been chased by a polar bear? Well in a few years you won't have to worry about it at all, I mean who needs that stress...looking over your shoulder for polar bears all the time, I sure don't. I bet you my non-existent pay raise that our ancestors didn't shed too many crocodile tears over the loss of those bigass saber-tooth tigers. So if Al Gore decides to visit Saipan he'd better look out cuz due to my not so subtle threat on the well being of Santa's bowels I'm pretty sure he's going to hook me up with wish #7 so I'll be ready for Al and any of his Chicken Little supporters.

See...Santa don't believe either. Merry Freakin Christmas!

Global Warming Quotes of the Day:

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much." --Jay Leno

************************DISCLAIMER****************************

Due to recent events in the Commonwealth I feel I need to clearly label this post as SATIRICAL.

I really don't need the Legislature to vote me persona who threatened Santa Claus and hates Christmas and giving and babies and puppies and everything warm and fuzzy in the world non grata.

Nei?

2007-11-28T11:11:00.000+10:00

I realize in an earlier comment I used the term "nei" to which I received an inquiry from a state-sider as to what exactly that meant. So that got me thinking, maybe I should do a post for our off-island brethren who need to be educated on some of the finer points of local English. And while it's nowhere near comprehensive here at least is a highlight of some of the more common phrases one might hear in a computer classroom on Saipan. (for all the locals out there, please forgive me if I get something wrong but do feel free to correct or add to the list as you see fit)

Nei or Nai (nay-but not like the horse): Probably one of the most prevalent of local terms, while I have no way to prove it, it's my opinion that this word was probably derived from the Japanese "ne" since they sound so similar and are used in almost exactly the same way. "Nei" is usually put at the end of a sentence and basically means "right".

Jose: "It's hot today nei?"
Juan: "Yah nei!"

Par (pär) Brat (brät-as in bratwurst): No, they have nothing to do with golf or a poorly behaved child. They both kind of mean "friend". These two terms can be used interchangeably and while I'm not 100% sure I believe par is short for partner and brat is an abbreviation of brother. Therefore the words themselves are used in similar contexts, usually to show camaraderie or companionship.

Jose: "This game is badass brat!" (badass is a common term here meaning exceptionally cool)
Juan: "Yah nei par! It's da best."

Ai Adai (i uh-day): As best I can tell this is generally an expression of exasperation. Therefore it's no surprise that this term is used extensively in conversations pertaining to the government or the Commonwealth Utilities Corporation. One typically will shake their head from side to side and make a "tsk-tsk" sound while uttering this phrase. Although I've also heard it used to express surprise or slight shock as well.

Jose: "Mr. Redd, my computer just turned off."
Mr. Redd: "Ai Adai Jose, why do you keep pushing the power button?"

Fagaga (fa-ga-ga): I believe the direct translation of this term is "to treat like an animal" although the more appropriate translation is to play a joke on someone. As in "Look out for her she really likes to fagaga people".

Jose: "Hey par look, I'm gonna turn off my computer to fagaga Mr. Redd"
Juan: "Yah brat, do it, that's funny"
Jose: "Mr. Redd, my computer just turned itself off?!"
Mr. Redd: "Ai Adai Jose, why you always fagaga me?"

Matoka or Matoko (ma-tow-ko): The Chamorro version of "Awww...you're gonna get in trouble." As you may have been able to tell this word is gender specific so if a girl is doing something she shouldn't be then its "matoka" or, as is more often the case if its a boy doing something wrong then it becomes "matoko". The word is usually spoken in a much higher decibel than regular speech and is held out longer in order to better get the offending party in trouble.

Jose: "Look brat, I'm gonna turn off my computer to fagaga Mr. Redd."
Juanita: "MATOOKOO, I'm gonna tell."

Laña or Lania (la-nya): This one I was somewhat hesitant to cover due to the fact I've heard some people say that it used to be quite offensive, though it is used so frequently that I feel it would be a disservice to forgo explaining its use. Really this term should probably up near the top of this list as it is used almost as frequently as "nei". I've heard many different direct translations everything from a deep explanation of its sexual connotations to one who informed me "oh it's just like 'shyt' in English". As best I can ascertain it is essentially a more risqué way to say "ai adai". Therefore it could be used for just about anything, to show surprise, frustration, contempt, anger, happiness, sadness...yeah pretty much you name it and you can say "lania" before it.

Jose: "Lania brat, my computer just crashed!"
Juan: "Then tell Mr. Redd"
Jose: "Mr. Redd, my computer just crashed."
Mr. Redd "Yeah, right Jose...WHATEVER"

Education Related Quote of the Day:

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips

Remember Jake?

2007-11-25T12:54:00.001+10:00

So does anyone out there still remember Jake? You know the whole "you didn't give my niece her reward, she stole my dog so she doesn't deserve a reward" thing. Yeah, yeah I know that's so last week...or last month even but still here's why I bring it up.

A few weeks ago I took a class entitled "Creative Teaching Techniques and Utilization of Multimedia" (yeah it's a masters level class so they have to make it sound fancy) and one of our assignments was "to produce a five-minute educational video about something happening in your community". So my group and I decided to do a re-enactment of the epic saga of poor ole Jake. Our educational goal stated that we thought this video could be used in a Civics class to generate a debate or possibly in a Writing class where students could write a response paper.

So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, grab some popcorn, pop a cold one and sit back relax and enjoy for the first time anywhere the story of a dog and his (almost) reward.

1 sp3nd w4y t00 much 71m3 0nl1n3

2007-11-15T12:36:00.000+10:00

I realized that this blog has gotten a little heavy with the past few posts so in an attempt to lighten things up and keeping with the spirit of "Whatever" I've decided to spice things up with a little humor. Being that I'm a computer teacher, professed wannabe geek, and recovering online addict I proudly present you with some computer based humor none of which is original.

First lets begin with one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world...the Internet:

"I see ads saying that I can 'GET PAID to Surf the Web !'. Let's see... I'm at work checking out my favorite porn sites right now. Hey, I'm already getting paid to surf the web !"

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"I had to google 'jfgi' to see what it meant. The irony is overwhelming." <-- go ahead you know you want to.

"I get mail, therefore I am."

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

Now on to the obligatory Microsoft Bashing:

"Microsoft Works." — Oxymoron

"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"Saying your OS is the best in the world 'cause more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world."

"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."

Would you invest in that company? See if you can spot Bill Gates. hint- he's the only one who looks like he hasn't gone through puberty yet. Bet you didn't know that after filming "Saturday Night Fever" John Travolta did a stint with Microsoft.

"If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft."

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off?"

"What does the Start button do — isn't the computer already running?"

What page full of techie humor would be complete without a little User Bashing (it might be funny if it wasn't so doggone true):

Login: yes
Password: i dont have one
password is incorrect

Login: yes
Password: incorrect

Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"
User: I can't see your computer.
Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
User: Huh?
Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
User: What's your computer doing on mine?

"Back up my hard disk ? I can't find the reverse switch !"

"If it's there and you can see it — it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it — it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it — it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it — you erased it !"

"'INSERT DISK THREE' ? But I can only get two in the drive !"

"We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0."

"Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface."

"If you're having trouble sounding condescendent, get your computer support technician to show you how."

And finally a segment entitled "Remember When" and if you do then you're older than me cuz I really don't so much...but for all you old folks here ya go:

"Remember when...? A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show. A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was the cousin of a goat... Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was your middle finger upright. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped that nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile. Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead !"

My Favorite Computer Code Quote of the Day:

"1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15, y0u r34||y n33d 70 637 |41d."

An Inspiring Initiative

2007-11-08T15:42:00.000+10:00

I recently stumbled upon an innovative and exciting enterprise that I actually thought would be something worth giving my hard earned money to (and I’ll admit I’m a pretty stingy person). The One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) movement is a non-profit organization that has really got their stuff together and is doing some exiting things. Yes, I’ll admit that I am a bit biased toward this kind of thing being an elementary computer teacher and all but still this is cool.

They state in their vision that the children in the developing world are inadequately educated but they don’t just leave it at that and move on, or give you some whining Sally Struthers like, broad and unspecified let’s all help the children line. No, they give a very specific and detailed plan as to how they propose to provide children around the world with the chance to grab at an education for themselves.

The way they plan to do this is, as their name would suggest, is by providing one laptop per child the world over. And they’re not talking about some cheap, Microsoft Windows 98, bottom of the line, bustedass laptop either. These little machines they’ve created are some rough and tumble, Linux based (aka open source), sweet little gizmos that are specifically designed for kids in third world environments.

Here are some examples of why I’m so impressed with these little 188 dollar bad boys or "XO" as they call them.

Each machine is a full time wireless router, which means that the kids will be connected both to one another and to the internet. This is a type of technology which you will never find in any laptop currently on the market.
The 7.5 inch display features 200 DPI resolution, which is more DPI than 95% of the laptops out there. The display is also cushioned with internal bumpers.
It takes less than two watts to run one of these puppies. Which happens to be less than one tenth of what a standard laptop consumes. In fact it’s such a minuscule amount that the XO can be recharged with human power. That’s right, it ships with either a crank, pedal or pull cord so it can be hand powered…now I’m jealous. How cool would it be to be on one of those long trans-pacific flights and while everyone else’s batteries are dying you just whip out your hand crank and give it a few spins and your back online?
The integrated handle is kid sized, as is the sealed rubber (so no worrying about spills) keyboard. The dual mode extra wide touchpad supports pointing, drawing and writing.
There’s no hard drive to fail and there are only two internal cables, items which cause the most problems in standard laptops.
It comes with 3 USB ports, external speakers, a built in gaming pad, microphone, camera, SD slot, and an extra powerful wireless antenna. There’s much more and I could go on and on so if you’re really interested check out their website (which is itself very well done, very clear and concise) but I’ll sum up by saying that it comes in a kid friendly green and white color scheme and all of this for under $200 is in a word…impressive.

Shoot, I’m from the “Developed World” and if I had kids I’d want one for them…which brings me to another remarkable aspect of this organization in regards to their marketing. You see, the only way you can actually get your hands on one of these little doo dads is by first giving one to a child in need. They’re currently running a "Get 1 Give 1" campaign where for $399, you purchase two XO laptops—one that will be sent to “empower a child to learn in a developing nation,” and one that will be sent to your child at home…all I can say is that someone was thinking.

Now, if we only had that kind of ingenuity and thinking outside of the box up on Saipan’s Capital Hill imagine where we could be.

One Laptop Per Kid Quote of the day:

“I think the laptop is very good. It helps us to find some words, like our uncle [teacher] will teach us... The things we didn't know, we go check on the laptop.” — T. (Primary 6), Galadima School, Abuja, Nigeria

In Loving Memory

2007-11-03T22:30:00.000+10:00

Well, first of all let me apologize for not having updated in awhile but I suppose I have a pretty good excuse. You see I was just finishing up one of my Framingham graduate classes and preparing to write one of my funniest postings yet when I received the email that we all dread, that one of our family members has passed away. My sister caught me on g-chat and informed me that my grandfather had died, and yes it was sudden and it was unexpected.

So, after a day of deliberation and getting the go ahead from bosses, professors and wives (didn't know I was a polygamist did ya?) I decided to head home and be with the family for a time of mourning the loss of a special man and celebrating his life.

Some of the highlights as I remember them are that he was a Korean War veteran, a Richmond City Fireman, and a talented carpenter. He lived to fish and he loved being either on or at the very least near the water and in his final years had a place on the Rappahanok river which he built himself.

He left behind a wife, 5 kids (one of whom is my mom), 12 grandkids (one of whom is me) and 2 great grandkids all of whom loved and respected him.

But last and some would argue most importantly he was an avid golfer. In fact it was engaged in this sport where he met his end. The story goes that he was preparing to tee off on the 17th hole when he decided he needed another club so he returned to the cart. But as he approached the golf cart he fell to the ground without a sound and died of a massive heart attack. The doctor said he was probably dead before he hit the ground. He didn't have a history of heart problems, he just dropped dead, just as he always said he wanted to go and just as his father had gone out before him.

My brother told me his last words where "I need more club" and I have to agree with his assessment that that's just pretty damn cool.

Now I know I'll never be able to play another 17th hole without remembering my grandfather and my brother and cousin said they were going to start a tradition of playing that course every October 23rd at stopping at the 17th hole.

The Bible talks about death as being an un-natural thing, something that God had not originally planned for us and if we look deep into our being I believe we all have that feeling that death is just somehow not right and we all fight it but it is our ultimate destiny. I just hope that I can go like my grandfather, doing something I love and gone in an instant. No hospitals and tubes and shots and wasting away.

And to beat all his golf buddies who he was playing with told us that he was even winning and looking forward to enjoying a free meal on them as his reward. So here I'll raise my glass and say "Good game Paw-Paw, even though it will forever be left unfinished at the 17th hole."

In Loving Memory of Richard "Dicky" Curtis (1932-2007)

The Adventures of a Thristy Man in Tokyo

2007-10-18T12:58:00.000+10:00

One morning in Tokyo I awoke with a severe case of the cottonmouth (probably from one too many Asahi’s the night prior) and decided that I needed to find myself something refreshing to drink like pronto. So out into the bustling city streets I ventured determined to slay my thirst, and fast.

The closest promise of relief was a nearby vending machine to which I dashed eager to soothe my arid throat, only to have my hopes shattered by a vending machine full of a drink called Calpis. “Calpis?” I said aloud. Somehow, even in my dehydrated state, a dairy based drink by the name of Calpis just wasn’t going to happen.

Next it was on to plan B, the quaint little café on the corner. I walked straight in and went promptly to the section of the overhead menu which said “Soft Drink”.

Even though the English was a tad off, my body figured out pretty quickly what “Alcools” was and my head, tongue and stomach shouted “don’t you dare!” in unison. Ok, on to the soft drinks then, lets see Cola…nah…Ginger Ale…maybe…Milk,…wha? When did milk become a soft drink and who drinks it either hot or with ice? Ah well, either way that was not near as startling as the next choice…Flesh Juice…ok, now I’m not thirsty anymore I’m just scared. Hey, why’s everyone looking at the gaijin (Japanese for foreigner) so strange? Ok, I’m outta here.

As I beat a hasty retreat from Gruesome Café what to my wondering eyes should appear but the familiar orange and green bars of your friendly neighborhood 7-11, ahh…home. Those feelings of being back where I belong quickly faded however as I strolled to the back of the store and laid eyes on a drink called Pocari Sweat. Hmm, a drink called sweat, oh well I’m desperate now, I just hope it tastes better than it sounds.

Gee, I am still pretty thirsty, well since I am counting my calories and all I suppose I’d better try one of these new Diet waters, after all it does promise half the calories but all that great water taste you’ve come to know and love.

Whew, finally, I was able to stave off a slow agonizing death by dehydration…now I gotta pee…but where oh where will I ever find a toilet?

Ok, now I just feel like I’m chasing my tail. Man, all this running in circles has made me famished, I need to get something to eat….but no, that’s a story for another day.

Japanese Bread Wrapper Quote of the Day:

"Take me home, let's make happy in your basket!"

That is SO Stereotypical

2007-10-12T15:02:00.000+10:00

A friend sent me these pictures in one of those funny “forward” type of emails and they were good for a laugh. But then upon closer inspection I found what made them even funnier was the realization that they confirmed some of my deepest held stereotypical beliefs. I mean come on we all know that..

1. A New Yorker (or any Yankee for that matter) will NEVER let someone go in front of them.

Anyone who has ever driven north of the Mason Dixon knows what I’m talking about here. I just laugh and say it serves ‘em right. When I saw the top picture I immediately thought “this has got to be somewhere in New York”, then upon scrolling down and seeing the license plate my suspicions were verified and the stereotype proven.

2. All women from Virginia, especially the more mountainous regions (Roanoke), are barefoot and pregnant with their 6th child chain smokers. Except for my mom and my sister of course…wait…check that, except for my sister.

The rest of the story probably went something like this…(and I should know I grew up in VA)

Williamson noted that she’s truly concerned about the racket because for some undiagnosed reason all 6 of her previous children have suffered from one type of learning disorder or another. “Yeah, fer sum reason all them earlier ones is kinda retarded” Williamson observed, “I’m really scairt that this one’s gunna suffer cus of all that jackhammerin goin on at all hours of the day.” However she went on to admit “The doctor says its cus three of em are from my brother an the other two are from a cuzin.” “Haha” she wheezed, “I think he’s full of bull hockey but if he’s right then it’s lucky fer this one I’m not related to the mailman.”

3. You should never, ever fly on a discount Chinese airline.

Cheap Chinese food = Good thing :-)

Cheap Chinese airline = Bad thing :-(

Speaking of cheap Chinese food, scroll down if you’ve ever wondered how they’re able to keep it so cheap

4. Blondes are a tad slower than the rest of us.

“What keeps poking me in the eye?....and why do you look so small?”

Quote of the Day:

"Stereotypes are devices for saving a biased person the trouble of learning"

-Unknown

Holy Crab Cakes Batman!

2007-10-09T14:43:00.000+10:00

This has got to be one of the biggest coconut crabs (or ayuyu in Chamorro) like ever ever. I've seen a few, some which I thought were pretty big but this is truly amazing.

My wife was sent this picture from her friend Jessica who said in an email along with the photo that she received it from the Brown Treesnake Control Project leader of the Guam Dept of Agriculture. It was apparently caught in northern Guam, right outside the Anderson Air Force Base cliff side of Yigo village.

Now, I know all the local's mouth's are watering at the sight of such a feast but unfortunately I've never been able to partake of the succulent coconut crab, I've only been able to listen with envy to the tales of how luscious it's meat is to consume.

However, the story that coconut crabs eat nothing but coconut, hence the name and the tasty meat, is more of a myth. According to my online research they're not near as picky an eater as I had once been lead to believe.

The diet of coconut crabs consists primarily of fruit, including coconuts and figs. However, they will eat nearly anything organic, including leaves, rotten fruit, tortoise eggs, dead animals, and the shells of other animals, which are believed to provide calcium. They may also eat live animals that are too slow to escape, such as freshly hatched sea turtles. During a tagging experiment, one coconut crab was observed catching and eating a Polynesian rat.

Now that, I would have liked to have seen, not only did that coconut crab eat a rat but he ate one of those ones with the little grass skirt and a coconut bra.

Another interesting point was that apparently they don't stop growing, and it's estimated that they live to be between 30-60 years old. Based on this size of this sucker I'd say he's pushing 80. Oh here's a weird thought, it's possible that this old timer was around during the invasion of Guam back during WWII.

And just when we thought that Guam had gone and beaten us out again, this time being able to lay claim to the biggest ayuyu like ever ever, along comes this picture of these two guys fighting off an even larger specimen down at Forbidden Island.

Crustacean Joke of the Day:

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

That's One Sexy Green Pepper!

2007-10-03T21:29:00.000+10:00

(Oh yeah, turn on your speakers if you haven't yet)

I know it’s hard to believe but it all started when I was actually cooking dinner on Monday. I was cutting up an innocent green pepper when I glanced down at the cutting board and saw this curvaceous and disturbingly erotic piece looking back at me. Now, I’ll admit that it doesn’t compare with Kelli’s new rack but still you must concede that that’s one sexy green pepper!

I swear I did NOT cut it like that on purpose…I honestly just looked down and there she was. I don’t think that I’ll ever look at vegetables the same again.

On A Related Topic…

As though I needed any more proof that vegetarians were weird along comes this story from The Press out of New Zealand. The article talks about a new sexual phenomenon called Vegansexuality.

Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals...

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses...

What, "I've got a headache" doesn't work anymore? This just sounds like another way to turn a guy down. "I mean I really think you're cute and all but, well, you eat meat so I'm going to have to say no...this doesn't mean we can't still be friends."

Christchurch vegan Nichola Kriek has been married to her vegan husband, Hans, for nine years. She would not describe herself as vegansexual, but said it would definitely be a preference... "When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," she said.

What the…are you serious...well if I’m a graveyard for animals what does that make her, a compost heap? I mean come on, I’m pretty sure everyone I’ve ever met was made of meat.

Ok…now in the interest of being fair and at least attempting to give both sides. I did read one persons comment about this where they tried to explain it as an experiment in which an experimenter briefly dipped a dried, sterilized cockroach into a glass of apple juice and then asked people if they would be willing to drink the juice. Most people didn't want to, even though the juice was in no way contaminated.

I suppose it could be the same principle at work in this whole vegansexuality thing. If something really grosses us out, that sense of disgust will spread to anything touched by the offensive object…but I still think its all a load of horseshit…which incidentally is made up entirely of vegetables, maybe these “vegansexuals” would like to…oh, nevermind. This group definitely earns my "WHATEVER" of the Week Award.

Vegetarian Quotes of the Day: (I couldn't pick just one)

"If it screams, it's not food... yet."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"I love animals... they're delicious."
"If animals were not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat ?"
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?"
"Do vegetarians hate plants ?"
"Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces ?"
"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me." — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic. Explaining why he had turned down an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner.

If you have any of your own feel free to share it with us.

CasiNO or CasiYes?

2007-10-01T23:03:00.000+10:00

Well, it looks like I was a day late and a dollar short on the whole reward or ransom thing as Turbitt’s post was a day earlier and everything that could possibly be said about the issue has pretty much been hashed out, so check it out over there if you wanna see what people had to say. (Though there was another letter to the Marianas Variety editor from the uncle of the girl who found “Jake” and another letter which offered some rebuttal from Kate Busenkell of PAWS) Meanwhile I’m on to my next conundrum, that of the much debated casino initiative.

First let me say that I am a registered voter here and I do take this decision seriously but I am completely undecided as to whether I should vote CasiNO or CasiYES. That’s where you come in oh persuasive (or should I say argumentative) and enlightened (or should I say self important) members of the blogosphere. Really though, I honestly want to hear what people out there have to say on this issue and I don’t mind if you feel the need to post namelessly so long as you make a valid point and don’t do so just to be anonymously asinine.

I find it interesting how for months all we had heard and seen by the roadway was “Vote Saipan Casio” , bumper stickers exhorting us to “Vote Yes To Casino” or letters to the editor singing the praises of our coming savior the casino initiative. But all of a sudden in the last week or so we’re seeing this rather determined push by the self proclaimed CasiNOers, led by none other than one of the CNMI´s most prolific unofficial columnists, Ambrose Bennett. Now, finally, it’s getting interesting.

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the CNMI Public Arena were in this corner we have Saipan’s own pimp daddy Ambrose Bennett weighing in for the CasiNOers with Jane Mack cheering from the sidelines. Meanwhile across the ring stands the rather solitary figure of Pedro R. DeLeon Guerrero President of the CNMI Indigenous Entrepreneurs Inc. Though Mr. Vicente M. Sablan does toss him some support in Tuesday’s Variety.

Pedro “The Gambler” Guerrero came out swinging early with a few well placed letters to the local papers promising that a “Saipan casino will lift the islands' misery” and that “the benefit of establishing casino industry on Saipan will outweigh that of the Tinian casino.”

But the second round has gone to Ambrose “Common Sense” Bennett with his catchy CasiNO campaign which has been blitzing island roadways along with his most recent letter to the editor decrying the CasiYESers as cheaters who hit below the belt by vandalizing said road signs.

Well, that’s the bell signaling the start of the third round and it’s still anybody’s guess as to who’ll come out on top. So it’s time for you to weigh in CNMI public, who are you rooting for and why, I’m a blank page, the quintessential undecided vote and I’m listening…convince me.

Casino Quote of the Day:

“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.”

-Jack Yelton

Reward or Ransom?

2007-09-28T15:50:00.000+10:00

There’s an interesting situation playing itself out in the “Letters to the Editor” sections of the islands dueling newspapers and I wanna know what you think about it. It centers around a certain canine by the name of “Jake”. It seems that this poor pooch was “lost” some weeks ago and the owner, who happens to be working as a public defender, offered a reward of some $200 for his safe return. It’s important to note that PAWS, which is also a fellow blogspotter, was the organization which was used to promote this incentive.

Well after a few days the dog was apparently returned unharmed to his rightful owner and love filled the air and all was right with the world. That is until a couple of days ago when a local high school teacher announced through a letter to the editor that his niece was the one who had “found” the dog and that she had yet to receive her promised reward. He says “The Good Samaritan lady who found and provided shelter and care for Jake for at least four days is my niece. I was appalled to find out from her yesterday that the promised reward has not been given, and her repeated calls to PAWS and the Public Defender’s Office has gone unanswered.”

Then today the story got even juicier when the owner wrote his own letter to the editor claiming that the pup was not in fact lost but had been stolen. He claims “Your niece is not entitled to the reward because she “took” Jake, she didn't “save” Jake.” The owner goes on to say “PAWS had nothing to do with my decision not to pay the reward and therefore should not have been implicated by your letter to the editor.”

So the question I pose to you oh great all knowing and highly opinionated public is this, is the owner justified in not paying the reward or should he fork over the cash?

Now before you offer your scholarly insights I would suggest reading both of the letters to the editor yourself. They can be found on the Saipan Tribune website under the title “A failed promise” and “What would a Good Samaritan really do?” Now…may the banter begin.

Quote of the Day:

“Don't worry so much about your self-esteem. Worry more about your character. Integrity is its own reward.”

-Unknown

***************UPDATE*******************

Monday, October 1, 2007

In today's Marianas Variety the uncle of the girl who found "Jake" wrote a rebuttal to the lawyers letter, it definitely offers a different take on things and is worth checking out if you're still following this little piece of island drama.

MP's and Blogger Play from the "potential cool kid"

2007-09-24T18:22:00.000+10:00

What does the MP stand for anyway?

I know I need to update this thing more often but I must admit that I haven't been online much in the past few days. I realize that this is truly hard to believe but hear me out because it gets worse...you see I must also come clean and with great trepidation admit that I actually picked up a hard copy of a publication and read it...(gasp)

I know I can't believe that I did that either I mean what was I thinking? I never read anything that I ever have to hold in my hand, what with all that pesky page turning and the ever present peril of a paper cut, go ahead and scoff if you will but those things hurt.

So what could have caused me to lay aside my high technology and actually reach down and pick up such a relic of communication? Well I'll tell you...it was the surprisingly clever MP magazine. Yes I must say that while I initially approached it with some disdain I was soon enraptured by the quality of the content held within its bindings.

The articles were interesting and well written (something I had come to accept as nonexistent here) and of course the photographs were virtually stunning. I especially like the article by William "Bill" Stewart about Saipan in the 1970's, as well as Ed Propst's candid piece on his journey to his maternal homeland of the Philippines.

I even found myself briefly filled with some hope for the upcoming election as I read the interviews of five non-incumbent congressional contenders. (What you mean we may actually have a choice besides the same old status quo politicians??)

The underwater photographs of the barracuda and eagle rays were splendid. And the "Are you a Local?" quiz was laugh out loud funny. And I'm proud to say that I scored an 8 out of 10 so I barely squeezed in as a bonified local...though I missed the question about "chenculi" so I suppose I still have retained some of my haoleness.

But seriously, all in all I found it to be a great publication and well worth the $3.50 at the newsstand (or at the local Joeten since we don't really have any newsstands) and this coming from someone who thought for sure he'd be laughing it off as another Saipan misadventure. You can also find them on the web at www.marianaspride.com.

Which brings me to my next burning question...What exactly does the MP in our address stand for? I mean I know the magazine is going for the whole MP equals Marianas Pride thing, which is cool, but what really does it mean? I've heard such postulations as Marianas Pacific or even Mid Pacific, but does anyone really know for sure? If you know or even if you just have a good guess leave a comment and enlighten us.

Who knew randomass photos could be so compelling?

Have you Blogger Played today? If you haven't, be forewarned it's addicting and it can be shockingly time consuming. What I'm euphemistically referring to is a new feature on blogspot called, surprisingly enough, Blogger Play. As they explain on their website:

Blogger Play will show you a never-ending stream of images that were just uploaded to public Blogger blogs. You can click the image to be taken directly to the blog post it was uploaded to, or click “show info” to see an overlay with the post title, a snippet of the body, and some profile information about the blogger who uploaded it. We also wrote a Blogger Play FAQ with more information.

I must've spent an hour looking at all those arbitrary photos. And you can't help but click on the occasional one because you just have got to see what kind of a blog that whatever it is goes with…take this one for example:

Now if your curiosity gets the best of you and you just have to see who would post a picture of what could conceivably be a bunch of birth control pills (you gotta love the pun in that)…well then click here…but be warned you’ll probably not be able to figure out what they are, unless you speak like Swedish or something…though whatever her nationality she is pretty hot.

Milestones

And yes I have passed yet another blog milestone as I have now officially been linked to the prestigious "Saipan and other random hypercritical thoughts" blogsite. The Great Bald One referred to me as having "potential" and though I know I do not post near often enough to match His Highness I appreciate the link indubitably.

"M.P." Quote of the Day:

Amanda to Sam (after she finds out about Billy's "pass" at Connie): "Get used to the fact that even the most perfect, sensitive guy is bottom line: a dog. I mean, he might be a well-behaved dog but he still howls at the moon and grabs the first leg he can get a hold of."

...can anyone guess what "M.P." that quote comes from?

Saipan Light Show and The Bell

2007-09-18T19:45:00.000+10:00

Last night we had a splendid lightning show here on Saipan. It's actually a rather rare occurrence for the island. I mean we get plenty of rain showers and the occasional flash of lightning but this was the kind of light show I remember seeing down south after a particularly steamy summer afternoon.

So, after sitting for awhile watching the sky dance overhead I decided to try and capture some of the show. I grabbed my video camera and rolled tape for about 15 minutes and here's what I came up with. Don't worry...it's been edited for time I've slowed the speed down and put in a couple freeze frames for effect, but aside from that it's all mother nature, no special effects required.

Saipan Light Show

Oh and if you recognized the song and can tell me it's relationship to Lightning then you'll win the Grand Prize. If you wanna take a stab at the trivia leave a guess in the comments section and I'll tell you if you're wrong or right.

The Bell

There's also a rumor swirling around out there that one of my favorite fast food joints and pretty much my only reason for going to Guam was in fact going to be making an appearance on Saipan. That's right folks, there's yet another rumor that Taco Bell will be opening its doors on our lovely little slice of paradise.

Now, I wish I had a nickle for every time I've heard this rumor in the past 8 years (then I could actually afford something there) but this time it genuinely seems possible. The reason for my increased hope this time is that there's been some unexplained construction at the local KFC and the story goes that our beloved Taco Bell will be housed in the same storefront as the Colonel. So, keep your fingers crossed and if it turns out to be true then I'll see you at the Grand Opening with my chihuahua "Here lizard, lizard, lizard" t-shirt on.

Taco Bell Sauce Packet Quote of the Day:

"At night the sporks pick on me."

...can you believe there's actually a website dedicated to Taco Bell Sauce packet quotes....

We Took Time to Remember...Did You?

2007-09-11T16:08:00.000+10:00

The students and faculty of Kagman Elementary School took time from their regular classes this morning to remember the tragic events which transpired on this day, September 11th back in 2001. It seems like only yesterday to many of us but to the children, some of whom weren't even born yet, it feels like ancient history. It's important that we remind them of this cataclysmic day because after all, the world which they will inherit was drastically altered in a matter of hours that clear September morning just six short years ago.

Quote of the Day:

"No matter how hard we try words simply cannot express the horror, the shock, and the revulsion we all feel over what took place in this nation on Tuesday morning. September 11 will go down in our history as a day to remember."

-Billy Graham

From The Desk Of...

2007-09-07T12:31:00.000+10:00

I looked down at my desk this morning and saw this, thought it was humorous and decided to share it with the world. My students were all like, "Mr. Redd, why are you laughing at the office supplies?" Ai adai, I love it when the Chinese decide to write things in English on their products.

NOTE: No paper was harmed in the making of this blog!

You may need to click on the image to make it big enough to read.

In all fairness though, my wife and I pulled up behind a pickup truck with a couple of local boys in it, one of whom was wearing a baseball cap with a Chinese character on it and I heard my wife snicker. So I asked what was so funny and she goes, "well that boy's hat says 'arm' in Chinese."

Whoa...on a totally unrelated note, some little kid just puked in front of my classroom...don't worry I'm not going to post a picture of it, nor am I going to have the steamed fish with lemon butter sauce now either. (cringe)

Speaking of school...I had what could possibly be called a uniquely Saipan conversation with a couple of students this afternoon. I had two 5th grade girls in my class sitting next to each other with the same last name and I asked them "Ok which one of you is Sally and which one is Sandy" to which one of them replied "I'm Sandy, she's Sally...she's my auntie" Of course I (ala Steele on Saipan) said "No you must mean cousins" but the girl was like "no she's really my auntie" and slowly Mr. Redd caught on. But seriously can you imagine being in the 5th grade with your aunt? That would be so trippy...but that's why I love Saipan.

Student Quote of the Day:

"Mr. Redd, why are you taking pictures of your desk?"

Humpday Mania in the year 1701

2007-09-05T13:54:00.000+10:00

What’s up with Wednesdays? It’s driving me nuts, my knees are weak, palms are sweaty, (this is starting to sound like an Eminem song) I’m wracking my brain trying to think of something to write about but it’s gotta be quick, I’ve got to post something before…The Surge.

Now you’re probably thinking, “this guy must have had a little crack with his microwaved Jimmy Dean Sausage Egg and Cheese Breakfast Croissant this morning, What is he talking about?” Well I’ll tell you…The Surge is a disturbing trend I’ve noticed in the blogosphere which occurs every Wednesday. Like a tsunami wave nearing the shore, the number of visitors traversing blogland starts as a slow trickle on Saturday but quickly builds as the week progresses only to come surging in mid-week before receding for the weekend. Apparently, for all you bloggers out there, every Wednesday you’d better have some new material because that’s when everyone decides to get online and check blogs. And no, I’m not just out there making wild accusations, I’ve got cold hard data to back me up on this.

It first came to my attention whilst I was perusing my Extreme Tracker account, which keeps track of my site traffic. The data showed that many more people visited my site on Wednesdays, when I’d get my highest numbers, as opposed to Saturdays, when I’d get my lowest numbers. But then I noted that the numbers proceeding Wednesday gradually increased while the numbers for the days after mid-week incrementally decreased. So that in graph form these numbers create a perfect wave pattern, and not just once in awhile but consistently week after week.

"Putting the Hump in Humpday"

Over the last three weeks 68 people have visited

my blog on a Wednesday.

Thinking that maybe my site was just an anomaly I quickly surfed to a few other blogs which include the Extreme Tracker only to find the exact same trend, though granted with much larger numbers than my measly crumbs. Therefore, one could truly call Wednesday “hump day” and have some concrete data to back them up.

When I queried a friend as to why they thought this should be so, they said that of course most people are out and about on the weekends. To which I replied “oh, um, yes of course, I’d heard a rumor about people with lives who actually do leave the house on Saturdays”…of course I’d assumed that this was just an old wives tale…I mean who’d want to leave the house when you could sit all day at a computer with the world at your fingertips.

Anno 1701

And when I say that I have the world at my fingertips I mean that quite literally. You see to escape the realities of rolling blackouts, invading feds and possible payless paydays I dive back into a time when the world was a simpler place, namely the year 1701.

Through the wonders of modern technology, and a PC game called Anno 1701, I’m able to be named governor of my own island, given 50,000 gold pieces and a charter from the queen admonishing me to go forth in her name and conquer. You’d be surprised at how addicting this can become not to mention how many hours of your life you can fritter away in the pursuit of glory for queen and country.

In a desperate attempt to rationalize the acres of time I’ve spent on this I will say that not only is this game just downright fun but it’s also quite educational. Through struggling to keep your population happy you learn quite a bit about important concepts like economics and politics. Things like building efficient trade routes, the right amount of supply to meet demand, the basic human needs of faith, education and power all must be considered in order for your civilization to be successful.

And while I’m becoming pasty white from lack of sun, I am apparently quite an auspicious ruler, having taken my people from mere peasants and pioneers to a conglomerate of wealthy merchants and aristocrats. And with a few more deft political maneuvers I hope to succeed in achieving independence from the crown without so much as a shot being fired…now if I could just figure out how to impress the wife with that…

She seems to think there's no validity to this type of experience but I assured her that indeed there was. What if, for example, I found myself on an island, thousands of miles from a mainland, which had been colonized and over time had decided that they too wanted to become independent of the meddling federal gov...er I mean...monarcy, and they needed somone to guide them to a bloodless revolution...well then I'd be their man...in theory, of course.

Geez, I just realized my past two posts have been about video games…I’m such a dork. But be sure and tune in next hump day, since we know that’s when you all do your blog checking, when I’ll compare and contrast the intriguing elements of Dungeons and Dragons versus those of Magic: The Gathering.

Definition of the Week:

hump day (huhmp daye)

1. An English language idiom for Wednesday, a reference to making it through half of the week as getting "over the hump".

2. The middle of the work week, Wednesday, or the beginning of the weekend, depending on your level of addiction to alcohol.

Batteries, Widgets, and Radioactive Cockroaches

2007-08-29T14:24:00.000+10:00

Part I

“Batteries”

This summer I had a stroke of luck and was able to get a Wii for my birthday. And no, it has nothing to do with urinating, it’s actually Nintendo’s new revolutionary gaming console. And the reason I use the term “revolutionary” is because of the new, and unique way in which players can interact with this new system. No longer is video gaming a sit down sport, with the Wii you spend much more time on your feet moving around than on your butt. In fact, I about threw my arm out playing tennis with my wife in our living room the other night, how cool is that?

The key component to this interactivity is the innovative new controller, the so called Wiimote. It’s about the size of a king size Snickers bar and is completely wireless. The wiimote is a very virtually versatile device, playing the part of tennis racket, golf club, baseball bat, gun, etc, so that one actually uses their “Snickers bar” to control their tennis racket on the screen.

The only drawback I have seen so far is being that it’s wireless, this groovy new device runs on what else but a pair of AA batteries, the one piece of electronics that has remained unchanged for the past 30 years or more. Think about it, when you were a kid, lo those many years ago, what did you always need a handy supply of to keep your toys flashing and beeping but double A batteries. Now here it is the year 2007, I buy the latest, greatest piece of hardware available and what brings me to my knees and has me crawling back to it like a crack whore but more AA batteries.

So, being that my wiimote sucks down batteries faster than a Chamorro with a Budweiser, I seemed to have a real dilemma on my hands. After much deliberation, I decided rechargeable batteries would be the way to go. So I headed down to one of our favorite local markets, whose name will not be mentioned (), and proceeded to search for some rechargeable batteries. Upon finding them I was shocked to find a charger and four batteries priced at $34.99! Well, that was way more than I wanted to pay sooo I decided to go across the street to everyone’s favorite bulk market and buy the brick of 48 AA batteries for $15. In my mind 48 for $15 was a helluvalot better than 4 for $35.

Well, apparently, my wife does not agree. After proudly showing her my battery investment she frowned and replied “all you needed was two.” “Yes, but you’re not seeing the big picture here, darling” I retorted. “No,” she said, “you’re just too lazy to go out and get batteries only when you NEED them…you’re such a guy.” But that’s ok, she’s just a woman, so I know she couldn’t understand that this purchase was not just for the puny wiimote but was for all of my many devices that run on AA batteries, plus the package claims that these bundles of power have a 7 year shelf life, beat that you little rechargeable pansies.

It was at that point in the discussion that good old reliable CUC (never thought you’d see those words proceed CUC did ya?) came to the rescue with an unannounced (as though somehow they’re better when announced) power outage. But were we scrambling for flashlights filled with dead or dimming light?…noooo, we had enough battery power to light the stage at a U2 concert. Who needs a diesel generator when you’ve got 48 AA’s on hand? Now if I could just figure out how to wire my apartment to run on batteries instead of CUC, shoot, at a mere $15 for a brick of 48 I could probably save myself some money every month. To be completely independent of the grid would be so nice, then without fear of interruption, I could kick back and play with my Wii.

Incidentally, I find I receive queer looks when I tell the guys that I’m leaving Godfathers early so I can go home and play with my Wii…still not sure why that is…Wii envy I suppose. I mean my wife likes playing with my Wii, I’m sure they would too if they would just give it a try...wait somehow that didn’t come out right…

Part II

“Widgets”

Widgets are what they call these nifty neat little thingamabobs over to the left of everyone’s blog which do everything from chat to balancing your checkbook. Recently I’ve been checking out many different kinds of widgets and trying to decide which ones will work first off, and then which ones I want on my blogsite.

Finally I’ve decided on one which I was pretty impressed with from a site (which PSS bans) called Stickam. You should (crossing my fingers, provided you're not at PSS) see it over to the side there ---> in the light blue skin. I was pretty impressed with this widget cuz, like I mentioned in a previous post I really like to share my music with everyone and let people see what I’ve been listening too lately.

But this one caught my eye because not only does it do music but, with it, I can also share pictures and videos, hence the title “Photos, Videos, and Music…Oh My”. So I hope you’ll take a minute to check out some of my music, see my videos (there’s two original Redd Productions on there now) and you better look at the photos too cuz you never know if you might show up in one.

Part III

“Radioactive Cockroaches”

Haha…I know, probably the part you’ve all been waiting for. And I don’t even know why I’m including this except that when I sat down to write this I was trying to come up with something unique that happened to me today and this is what struck me.

It all happened this morning when I went to microwave my frozen Jimmy Dean Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croissant (another purchase from the bulk store where I got like an assload of them, and no, the wife was not thrilled with that purchase either). So I put the thing in and nuke it for one full minute per the instructions and as I open the microwave to retrieve my highly preserved carcinogen, er I mean breakfast, shooting out of the open door comes this little cockroach. He’d been in there for a whole minute, 60 full seconds, and didn’t seem fazed by it at all!? I mean it had turned my sandwich to mush but he looked like he was on cockroach crack or something, he was running around all super fast and stuff and darted under the counter before I could kill him. (Not that I was in any hurry)

So if you see a smoking fast little glowing cockroach over in the Kagman area I hope you’ve got some kryptonite on hand to kill his ass cuz I think he may have rode in on that asteroid spacecraft thingy with Superman.

Random Quote of the Day:

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything

-Mark Twain

Re: Non-Voting Delegates

2007-08-23T12:45:00.000+10:00

Whoa…stop the presses, did I just write a headline about something serious…AND political!? Yeah well, it did take me 3 minutes to find the man in the picture below so we know I’m an idiot for doing this but I did say this was going to be a blog about anything, everything and nothing so, here’s what tickled the one motivational bone in my body. It’s the issue of the CNMI’s potential non-voting delegate to the United States Congress.

What got me thinking about this issue was how lame people on Saipan seem to think this idea is, especially Mr. Bruce Bateman, who surprised me with how harsh he was on Donna Christensen, the non-voting delegate from the USVI, in his Sour Grapes commentary in the Saipan Tribune. But he likes controversy because it gets people reading his article and sells papers, but it also makes people think, which I appreciate.

He says “A Non-Voting Delegate is not a representative, but a lobbyist, a hanger-on near the outskirts, or underskirts of the U.S. Congress. If you have no voice, no vote, then you cannot represent anyone. Our cause will not be furthered by delivering speeches to an empty room, or jockeying to carry a real Congressman's briefcase home from school.”[1]

Ouch…but hey, I’ll admit on first reading the term “non-voting delegate” does sound a bit like “non-barking dog” but lets take a closer look at what exactly this entails, since as we can imagine the “non-barking” dog could be the little biatch (and I totally just used that in context) that sneaks up on you and bites you in the @ss without you knowing it.

The real kicker seems to be that even though they can’t vote in the full House, a non-voting Delegate may vote in a House committee of which the Delegate is a member. And we’re all aware that it’s at the committee level where the real work is done on a bill, usually by the time a bill makes it out of committee it’s fate has already been decided, the vote on the full House floor is many times just for show.

It seems unfair for Bateman to say “While you are back there in D.C. not voting, or whatever it is you do all day, please consider helping us out here on Saipan.” Well, not only is she voting (in committee) but she’s currently the Chairwoman of the House Subcommittee on Insular Affairs[2]…sounds like a pretty powerful position considering the fact we’re an “Insular Affair”.

Incidentally, the Congresswoman from Guam, Madeleine Bordallo is currently the Chairwoman of the House Subcommittee on Fisheries, Wildlife and Oceans, another pertinent and powerful position considering Guam’s location. Keep in mind both of these are possible positions for a potential CNMI delegate.

Another point to ponder is the fact that a non-voting delegate is funded by the Federal government. The legislation states that:

“the Delegate from the Commonwealth of the Northern
Mariana Islands shall receive the same compensation,
allowances, and benefits as a Member of the House
of Representatives”[3]

Which means, no more local money for a “Resident Representative” which truly is nothing more than a lobbyist who has to rent their own building (which comes across like some sort of an embassy). Imagine having a delegate who would have an office of their own in the halls of the US Congress and who was completely federally funded.

Also this ISLA bill, as it’s come to be called, makes no provision for the CNMI to start incurring federal taxes. So it’d be kinda like the NutraSweet of politics, all the great taste of representation without the calories of taxation.

Remember too that this is not an appointed position. The delegate would be elected from the CNMI at large by US citizens, so that means none of those pesky potential non-immigrant visa holders would be able to vote. It also means that if we did get a delegate who went and sold the CNMI down the proverbial river then we’d have no one to blame but ourselves.

(b) Manner of Election-

(1) IN GENERAL- The Delegate shall be elected at
  large and by a plurality of the votes cast for
  the office of Delegate.[4]

Unfortunately there’s no runoff clause like there is in the statute creating the Guam delegate.

The Delegate from Guam shall be elected at large and
by a majority of the votes cast for the office of
Delegate. If no candidate receives such majority, a
runoff election shall be held between the candidates
receiving the highest and the second highest number
of votes cast for the office of Delegate.[5]

This would ensure that the winning candidate had a clear mandate with the majority of the voters behind him.

It seems that this ISLA bill is the closest the CNMI has ever come to actually gaining the position of a non-voting delegate in Congress. There is the “Northern Marianas Islands Delegate Act” but without being attached to H.R. 3079 it appears to have fallen on deaf ears with this Democratic Congress. Incidentally, this idea was first proposed during the original Covenant negotiations but was rejected by the U.S. mainly due to the CNMI’s small population size. This actually could still be an issue with the whole "one man, one vote" case law which places pressure on Congress to keep the population of federal Congressional Districts roughly equal. Who knows, some big Congressional District back in the States could even decide to challenge our small size to delegate ratio and win?!

But regardless, we should all realize that politics is about bartering. I’ll give you this widget if you give me that doodad. And from the start it was almost implied that the federal government would eventually take over the CNMI’s immigration, the founders of the Covenant even concede to this. So we should be taking this opportunity to at least bargain for something in exchange and in fact the current legislation (H.R. 3079) offers us that in the form of a non-voting delegate to the U.S. Congress. But unfortunately the CNMI seems to be missing out on its chance to bargain for this important and, in my opinion, powerful position. I say lets get it while the gettin’s good, or at least before we’re force fed the federal widget without getting our doodad in return.

Wow…that was way more than I intended to say, but I do feel good that its been said…and its even a little controversial, sweet maybe now I’ll get lots of hits on my blog like the cool kids over at the Saipanuvian and Mt. Olympus…or maybe not, either way at the end of it I’m all like…”Whatever”.

[1] http://www.saipantribune.com/newsstory.aspx?newsID=71545&cat=3

[2] http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=House_Committee_on_Natural_Resources

[3] http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c110:1:./temp/~c110wqO8jT:e43182:

[4] http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c110:1:./temp/~c110wqO8jT:e43182:

[5] http://uscode.house.gov/download/pls/48C16.txt

Student Quote of the Day:

"Mr. Redd, Mr. Redd, Mr. Redd, Mr. Redd, Mr. Redd, Mr. Redd, MR. REDD!!?"
To which I patiently reply..."WHAT!?"

So Ya Think Yer Smart, Eh, Mrs. Pink?

2007-08-21T10:38:00.000+10:00

My wife sent me this little picture with the title "find yourself". At first I was baffled by these vague instructions but after approximately 2.8 seconds...hehe yea right, I became aware of her intent, which was not to test my intellectual prowess but simply to taunt me. But before I give too much of it away, why don't you try taking this little mental exercise. See how long it takes you to find the man in this picture. Apparently if you find him in under 3 seconds you have a pretty highly developed coconut on your shoulders. If, however it takes you over 3 minutes to find the guy then it would seem you have more of a rotten mango between the ears.

So without any further ado, fire up those synapses and get ready...set...go!

So, now that you've found the man (you have found him, right) you can see that apparently my wife thinks I have less hair on my head than a coffee bean, which I take exception to and respond with a resounding "Whatever!"

Incidentally I hear it took her well over a minute to find the man, and even then she was only able to locate him after her co-worker gave her the hint that he looked like me :-/

Kid Quote of the Day:

During lunch today I had a second grader ask me in all sincerety "So if you're Mr. Redd, then is your wife Mrs. Pink?"

What I'm Listening To

2007-08-13T17:12:00.000+10:00

I have a passion for music and as a former radio DJ I also have a passion for sharing music with other people SO...after spending all of Saturday and much of Sunday afternoon working on a way to share my vast collection of music with the masses, I finally have my new phatass little widget up and running. Now if you'll take a second and peruse over to your right there you'll notice my neat new little widget entitled "What I'm Listening To" and it's pretty much just that. It's a sample of my 25 gigabyte (and growing) music collection. It's what I've been throwing on my Winamp media player over the last week or so and it's all there for your listening enjoyment. If its a song that you're also quite fond of you can even download it to your computer to have for your very own, simply right click and save target as...and away you go. So pick an artist, then click on that groovy little orange play button, sit back, relax and surf the net to the hippest new tunes brought to you by your's truly si Bryan Agaga ;)

I hope this works.....Let me know how it goes...

The Sociological Implications of "Whatever"

2007-08-11T10:54:00.000+10:00

Since it has been well established that this blog is to be about "whatever" let us take a moment and delve into some of the intracacies of this beloved word. Seriously, think for a moment about the implications contained in this powerful word. I know of no other phrase that is as guaranteed to produce rage in authority figures as "whatever." That word implies a disregard that is beyond mere contempt or dismissal. Someone spends a good five minutes of lung power explaining something to you and you reply with "whatever, man" - this is brutal; almost malicious. Saying "what?" implies you didn't listen; saying "whatever" implies that you DID listen, but chose willfully to disregard everything the person said, arbitrarily.

"Whatever" also gets you off the hook, removing the need for any sort of counterargument. In true Generation-X or Y or whatever we're up to now style, there's really no point in having an opinion when the next set of commercials on MTV is going to change it for you.

"Whatever" is also a replacement word for anything you are too tired to think about, like when you tell your wife "Woman, get me a beer out of the fridge, and whatever," implying that there are also chips, salsa, and dried salted seaweed to be fetched, but you can't decide which ones you want...not that she's actually going to bring it to you anyway...but whatever.

It is also a phrase used to express self-doubt. You can say "I wanna be a film director, or whatever" which is perfect since it gives you plenty of room to fail and become a film crew janitor without completely forsaking your integrity.

"Whatever" is certainly not a new word - all that has changed is the attitude around the word, the implications involved in using it as a phrase rather than as a simple adjective or implied pronoun. In his article entitled "Like, Whatever" David Astle seems to claim that it's the film "Clueless" which indelibly stamped the expression into our culture forever ("What-everrr!"), but the scriptwriters obviously had to learn it from the mean streets of Beverly Hills.

The older generation, especially politicians tend to use the phrase as Webster says to use it - to imply a simple list, as a substitute for "et cetera." They're not aware of the Gen-X,Y,Z usage, loaded with bitter contempt and arrogant dismissal. So, saying "I care about the children, the homeless, or whatever" may seem perfectly logical to someone like Bob Dole, but it seems callous and cold to us.

"Whatever" is a beautiful word - it sums up a generation of slackers in a single expression. It's like flipping someone off without even expending the effort to raise a middle finger. So when someone confronts you with an opinion or rant about which you could care less, savor the moment that they will finish, waiting for that time when you can deliver the one-word death blow, from which there is no recovery.

EXAMPLES:

[Source: The Evasion-English Dictionary by Maggie Balistreri, Melville House, 2003]

Apathetic Whatever (translation – Yeah, so): Oh, I’m immature? Whatever.

Pseudo-Impartial Whatever (Who am I to judge?): She’s dating the boss. Whatever.

Self-Pitying Whatever (Why am I always the martyr?): Never mind I did all the work but whatever.

Slow Thaw Whatever (OK but I’m gonna sulk): Him: I’m sorry. Let’s have dinner. Her: Whatever.

Emotion Kibosh Whatever (Get over it): Dad, whatever, it’s just a tattoo.

Evasion Evader Whatever (I’ll see you an evasion and raise you one): So now she’s mad at me. Whatever.

Jealous Whatever (Lucky so-and-so): His uncle got him the job but whatever.

Minced Oath (F*** you): Her: This kitchen is a pit. Him: Whatever.

Faltering Cliché Whatever (Let’s skip the psychobabble hey): That way you can get closure or whatever.

Bashful Whatever (Oops. Emotion. Sorry): I just feel such total love or whatever.

Doubting Thomas Whatever (Liar, liar, pants on fire): He said he lost my phone number and I’m like whatever.

So I hope you enjoyed todays post but if you didn't:

"Whatever"

2007-08-09T16:07:00.000+10:00

WELL...this is it...I have finally succumbed to the peer pressure. That's right, I have capitulated to the crowd and started a blog. Being the great conformist that I am I knew it was only a matter of time and after Lewie emailed me showing off his latest endeavor, I knew it was time. Yep ladies and gentlemen the blog wave has finally arrived on Saipan and it has come as a tsunami. (the only kind it seems we'll ever have, despite the constant alarms)

Mind you, it has been an agonizing and soul searching feat as I struggled with what exactly I would write about and what shape this diatribe would take. I mean, I don't have the strange fascination with underwater snail orgies that Harry and Greg so enjoy. I don't have that cute ESL twist on the English language that my wife Hozumi does. I'm not as opinionated as Bateman, I don't have the sex appeal of Brad, nor do I have near the motivation and general go-getemness of Angelo. I'm not as philosophical as EJ nor do I much care for swimming or biking, and unlike Lewie, the only way I'm going to run is if something is chasing me. I do however posses a phenomenally receding hairline, but alas, it would seem even the outspoken Mr. Turbitt has me browbeaten there.

So, I concluded, why be tied down to any one hobby or talent (since I lack both) why not simply write about everything, and anything...in a word "Whatever".

"Whatever" - it's not just a word, it's an entire vocabulary in three syllables! Express contempt! Drip with irony! Shatter your opponent's sense of self-worth! Leave clueless Baby Boomers dumbfounded! Let it lead to anything! And best of all, it's fat free!

So be sure and return regularly to read about "Whatever" cuz you just never know what random strange aberrant indiscriminate thought might spring forth from my cranium. I suppose my blog could be summed up by that mentally challenged genius Forrest Gump when he said and I quote "Life is like a date with Madonna...you never know what yer gonna get."...or something like that...